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I am 21 years old and have had almost daily suicide ideation for thirteen years since my 8th birthday.
How long have you wanted to die?
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General
want to cut right now but i know i shouldn’t. Suggestions?
Everything was well during high school. I was around people I know and Those who care to acknowledge me. I was around teachers who care, and those who understand me. 2010 came alone, and it was graduation. I knew it then, that something strange is going to find its way into my life afterward, and drastically change who I am at the time. It did.
I was not suicidal during those high school years. Was the happy girl who’s never have to fake a smile to get through the day. Was the girl who everyone aroudn percieve as the good girl who’s always determined on her careeer goals. […]
First off, let me first start off by saying I have no history of mental illness. I was a very happy girl growing up. A little bit of stubborn temper, but that is because I am Russian. In the 7th grade year of October, I was watching a documentary called “30 Even Scarier Movie Moments” on Bravo. One of the movies mentioned was “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”. I grew very interested. I found the book that the director based the movie on. It is called “The Exorcism of Anneliese Michel”. It sparked my interest on demonology and the paranormal. I started watching movies involving […]
For ama and Will, as promised. Most of my dreams are weird and usually vivid. And a lot of them are nightmares. I think they are influenced by anxiety, depression, and pills. ha. Feel free to share yours.
I’ll start out with a recurring nightmare I can still remember from when I was a kid. The dream was always the same; it was dinner time and me and my parents were sitting at the table. I was told to go check something in the basement. I walked down the hallway and opened the basement door, I started to descend the stairs slowly. In the basement […]
What would it take to be ‘normal’? To be happy instead of depressed? To wish to live instead of wanting to die? What would it take to be hopeful again? To love again? To feel..?…Will I ever be okay? Or is this how I’m meant to be forever and ever…..to not know the joys of happiness…..only to wonder what it’s like…someone please…I just want to be happy again….I guess that’s to much to ask for….
Falling..I’m falling again..Into loneliness…That’s fine….I’ve learned to excepted it…I lost my hope…my will…I learned that nothin’ l do will change it, and that’s fine. l’m not sad…nor am l happy. l only have a feeling of emptiness…despair and hatred don’t linger inside me…l’m not jealous or angry…nothiness is what l feel, but that’s okay..for l’m dead inside. Life is meaningless to me. l have no purpose..no reason…no hope..no one…nothing…not a single thing in sight. Being alone changes someone. It reminds them of the horried truth that is the human heart. For hope only brings despair. Trying only brings failuar. Love only brings pain. And […]
Not saying that some twisted situation will come along that prevents me from killing myself. But I’d have to be either severely crippled or under the influence of drugs and locked up. And if either of those two happen I’ll just hopefully die from the complications or my mind will be to blasted to worry.
But the fact that I have no fear of failing a suicide attempt again has made everything look different. Bills, work, day to day responsibilities I can really shuck off because they are not an issue. Nothing in life is an issue because I know there will be no future repercussions […]
I`m so fed up with everything and in the very dark place. I`m so angry with everything, especially God, Universe ,All That Is. I feel it`s so cruel that actually we live forever. No I don`t have any proof of that, but it is a very strong and confident feeling in me. It`s like there is no escape, we are just playing tools for God. I just want to disapear, cease to exist completely.  I`m sick of all this talk this world being a learning place…really? Are you serious??? It`s all gone too far.  Thinking about all the horrific things that happen in this world every single minute, sexual […]
All the celebrity backpats in the world are meaningless when your own mother says “I would rather you die than be a dyke” and means it. School was bad enough, everyone knowing somehow that I was a lesbian before I had romantic feelings for any human at all.  I confessed the feelings that make me feel so awful to someone because they said they were the same way…only to find out she was straight and flirting with me was  just a game. She doesn’t get why my feelings got hurt. “it’s like you fell in love with me or something”.  She’s not the reason I’m doing […]
it all started when i was in 5th grade. everything was fine until this older student transferred to our school. my friends and i started quarreling but most of the time, it was me against them. i don’t know what was in me that they liked to argue with me. there was never a month that we won’t argue. and whenever i’m not friends with them, they’d bully me, inside or outside the school. this made me seek for attention from this older student so  they won’t do it to me anymore(cause she kinda have control to my friends. she decides for the rest of the […]
Well here I am getting down to the last few days, and I still have a ton of things to take care of, like cleaning out my house and putting labels on everything that I leave behind. I am almost caught up on notes and messages to everyone plus writing instructions for my dead body.
In spite of it all, and everything I still have to do, I am spending way too much time in bed asleep. Is anyone else in the same boat as me? I wish that I could kick my own ass, but I keep promising myself I will do that tomorrow.
Bed and […]
First off, I’d just like to point out that I never… ever imagined this would happen to me. It seemed like one of those things that the evil side of the world exhibited. A terrible thing like murder, torture, kidnapping, theft… Something that should’ve persistently steered clear of me, as it succeeded to for a good 15 years. I’m not saying I’m perfect, or lucky, or better than those who haven’t been steered clear of those sorts of things for nearly as long as myself. Only, the thought of things suddenly changing like it has because of something along the lines of “those things that the evil side of the […]
If I was to disappear would anyone really notice? Would anyone really care? I don’t think so….Sometimes I wish I could just disappear into thin air….would that really be that bad? To just disappear all to gether one day like I never existed at all? Should I or should I not?
Yesterday:
MY BOYFRIENDS BACK!!! (read my other posts) he had to sell his iPod but his friend gave it back to him and he said he just won’t tell his parents i get to talk to him tonight if i stay up till 11:30pm.. cuz thats the time he gets home from work.. I’ve missed him to much!
i hope i don’t fall sleep early tonight!!! any tips on how to stay awake????
Thanks,
Morgan
Today:
I’m kinda having a bad day… last night i stayed up till 1:30am and he never talked to me… i waited….
this morning i had to go to school for an hour becuz […]
So, I’ve posted some time ago on here. And in those – I think – two years, nothing has changed. I still find myself in the same mess, even weaker than before. I want to list everything that plagues me because I want someone to read my sob story. Because I am no good human and thus want to be pitied. Just for once, and for real.
I’d love to be free from the clutches of this fucking hell I live in. Compared to others, I live a nice life. Maybe.
My dad killed himself a good four years ago. I didn’t understand it back then, and […]
I know most of the people on this site have problems with depression.
I just wanted to share something I’ve been trying that really seems to help.
Just take a little time for yourself and act like a child. Watch cartoons, eat junk food, whatever you want.
Being an adult is stressful. Being a child and having adulthood thrust upon you at an early age can be even worse. So every once in a while, just let that inner-child loose. It isn’t a permanant fix, but maybe it can bring you just a little bit of happiness for a brief time.
Me? I just sit back and watch a couple episodes […]
I want to talk about my feelings, but nobody around me seems capable of handling them, and those that do just want to put me in the hospital. I don’t know, maybe I should go back into the hospital for a few days. Before, I just was bent on hanging myself, it was a dissociative wave where little logic ever intervened. Now, I don’t think I want to do it, but when I get really down I’m not so sure. Yesterday I tried it again. Not serious, just hanging around (arg…) with my ligature. I did hang myself with it a couple of times, but […]
If anyone has been diagnosed with this and feels comfortable with discussing it with me. That would be really appreciated.
Thank you.
Was just wondering if anyone else had similar feelings or experiences to me.
Sometimes i seem more vulnerable to depression and feelings of hopelessness straight after i’ve had a brief moment of happiness.
If i have had a brilliant day, looking on the positive side and am rather happy with my life. Well, i find that this feeling is extremely brief and always leads to me feeling deeply depressed and pessimistic.
It’s almost like i am punishing myself for the way i just felt. Only subconciously.
Maybe it is the chemicals in my brain, an imbalance that must release too much Dopamine, affecting my Serotonin levels.
Has anyone else ever experienced […]