General

Hello. I have been reading posts from this site for awhile now. Many times I wanted to post something, but I never did, I don’t really know what to say. Sometimes, while reading the posts here,I feel a sense of peace and belonging that I don’t seem to find anywhere else. I fell in love with the people here. I remember a quote I once read somewhere that can better describe the way I feel here than anything I can think of – I love you all, the way you can only love someone who is an echo of yourself at the time of your deepest sorrow.

Today feels […]

I’ve never been happy.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  I have had happy moments, days, perhaps even weeks.  On the whole, though, I have never been a happy person.  A couple of decades ago I might have had “depressive personality disorder.”  If I actually told a doctor any of this, I might get a nice, shiny “dysthymia” diagnosis.  But I have never told a doctor this. No, I have never told a single person.

Every day in recent memory, I have thought about killing myself.  Usually it’s an idle “what-if” sort of thing.  “If I killed myself, I wouldn’t have to write this paper.”  “If I was […]

I took 4 days worth of heroin, 5 xanaxm 6 somams. and abour b8 laortab 10’s.

WTF dors it take to leave here. I’m so screwed.

this was 3 days ago, I’ve been in some wired dream state, between actualitity and being awake.

three nights ago I consumed suppossedly 4 days worth of heroin (of course on purpose). I ate 5 Somas, 6 Xanax and had eaten probably 8 lortab 10s during the day. I wrote out my last letter,

GTFW, I freakin woke up. …………….. I mean what the fu ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, does a person have to do to leave this place.

I know tolerance has alot to do with createing an overdose, but come on WTF, I used herioin once back in the 1980’s, this time i snorted it, forced myself to swallow all the differerrnt pills, OK there is a little tolerance with the benzoes, yet the combination with […]

If I die I’d want some one to take pictures of my corpse and use it as an album cover. Then my closest friends should make necklaces out of my skull. And lastly make soup from my brain. Now tell me about how fucked up you think you are. Mayhem is my favorite band for a reason. Dead the late singer is an inspiration

I don’t know what to do anymore I mean I have a loving family that loves me I have “so called friends” but idk what to do. I try so hard every day to be happy and fit in. I mean I don’t go to a big school so there’s not that many people to deal with but sometimes I wish I did live in the city that way I could always stay out of my house and drink and smoke and cut myself. I started to smoke regular cigerettes not to long ago but I stopped because my mom would smell them every time I came […]

I’m fucking tired of people calling me fat and ugly and hate that I have fucking red hair. Somebody somewhere always has to fucking make fun of it. I hate my parents. I almost my step dad because you was all up on my case. Mean I tell my mom and sister to shut the fuck up when they say one little word. I don’t know what to do. I am so angry lately!

100 units if humalog should have killed me. I don’t get it… But tonight, I’m taking the whole vial.

I’m saying this because I want it to be known and understood that I love God. I hate this world and all its evil. I hate men, and their cruelty towards women. I hate money and greed, and sin. But I love the idea of going on to be with my King.

See my previous post for my heartfelt “final words.” And if I happen to survive tonight, then I’ll (a) give up trying, and (b) post back here so people know. Not that I would […]

I have had many thoughts on killing myself and many tries. On the outside it seems as if i have to perfect life. Parents that love me, a sister who is there for me and a brother who fights for our country. No, the real inside thing is i have  divorced  parents who hate each other so much they don’t even talk to each other about whats wrong with me. A sister who thinks i cutt and think about suicide for attention.  A brother who left me to deal with my whole family by myself.  I have begged for help. Told them about my cutting. […]

…this is uncomfortable; writing this. 

What’s wrong with me…? What’s wrong inside of me that I hurt inside all the time..? Please do not answer those questions.. They’re rhetorical. I am very aware that no one has those answers for me, nor will they. I just want to share my story with you; a little bit. 

I think about ways in which I could die, all the time. When I’m on the freeway, driving 80mph, it always crosses my mind- I could just swerve; sharp left and it would be over..but someone could get hurt. Not me. Probably. I’m not that lucky. But someone…  Like most, I am a […]

You have no idea how many times I’ve contemplated suicide.

I mean the pills, the blade, the drugs and the alcohol were all ready, the suicide letters, some finished some uncompleted.

You have no idea how many times I’ve sat on my bed, blocking out everything, and concentrating on the blunt razor blade, you don’t know how many times I’ve carved the name on my everything into my wrists, my legs, my stomach, my whole body so they would know the reason for my death.

So they would know that the person was the one I toke my life for.

You are my killer mom; you have taken away […]

Ok, I just have to say that I don’t really have a problem of me being this way (all sad and depressed and stuff) but it hurts so damn bad that other people feel the same way. That really hit me. I saw this video of this boy who have much of the same pain as me, but it hurt damn much to know that there is so many people out there who feel some of the same way..

Whats going on… in school you have the bullies and the bullied… this is a story of one (click on “whats going on” to see for yourself)

I stumbled upon this website while googling how to commit suicide. Yeah, like google could somehow be the end all answer. Guess not because I got here and started reading all these posts…and now here I am, wishing I had the balls to just jump off the highway and fall to my death. It’s always in the back of my mind. ALWAYS. I despise myself for thinking this way. Hate myself for letting it get so bad. I’m supposed to be the strong one helping others in my spot. The f*ing psych major about to graduate isn’t supposed to be the one needing help…

And yet, […]

I don’t know what to do. I’m a little teenage girl, who has her whole life in front of her. A nice middleclass family, school and lots of friends, but I only want him. I know it sounds stupid and pathetic, it’s just teen love. There are so many prejudice for teen love. It’s nothing serious, teenagers don’t know anything.. But I know that it hurts. Awfully much. It hurts.

He doesn’t want me anymore.. I have no idea why, but he ruined my life. I didn’t see our relationship as other young teenagers – we were different
We had planned our future, our kids names […]

What will be yours?

For me, it’s going to be like that. I’m gonna watch the sky as I’m standing on the bridge and I’ll say: “Oh and by the way, if you really exist, go fuck yourself!”.

My parents wouldn’t care if I killed myself. I know they wouldn’t. They’ve put me down and abused me for so many years, why should they care? I want everybody to know the shit that they did to me. If they show up to my funeral and start to mourn me, I hope everybody there treats them like shit because it’s all their fault and they have no right to miss me when all they did was abuse me for years. I’m tired of being treated like all I’m good for is sex, chores, and looking pretty.
IT IS YOUR FAULT.
I wish I had […]

I’ve wasted my life. Every good thing that’s happened to me I somehow managed to destroy. Everything I touch turns into s**t. I have no friends, no one gives a shit about me. I’ve failed at life. I’m not even a functioning human being. I’ve lost my sex drive long ago and I don’t even care. I still can’t get a grip on my thoughts and my nightmare-ish anxiety. It’s never going to end. I just want to be at peace, I want my agony to end, but I don’t think I even have the guts to kill myself. I really want to though, I […]

i can’t run anymore. i’m so tired. maybe its just tike to let the darkness have me. there is no light. if there was, then it gave up on me a long time ago. maybe its time for me to do the same. there is nothing for me here in this life. i believe that Life is all their is. and then the nothingness that comes next. i’ve tried so hard to make my life a content one. but i always fail. fate intervenes. knocks me down.

i just have no desire to live anymore. and i just keep thinking of how much easier it would […]