General

My mother took me out of school early today to go see a crisis counselor in some foreign area of town where it looks like everyone lives in constant fear of either being mugged, or molested, or both.

I walked into the counselors office and immediately felt like Alice must have when she fell down the rabbit hole; completely disoriented and completely idiotic.

“We have an appointment at 1:00”, my mother smiled kindly at the lady working at the reception desk.

The lady didn’t smile back, she just took down my information and told us that we could take a seat in the three chairs pushed up against a […]

living a life with Multiple Sclerosis is difficult when your own people don’t understand you… I was diagnosed with MS about 6 years ago… life was tough with pain all over the body… people who were all the time suddenly disappeared… then got married to a girl telling her the whole story… at first all normal but she took different reasons for not staying with me… now its ending of the story! BYE!!!

I don’t believe that there is some benevolent being watching over us all: Someone who is making sure that in the end we all come out square.

However, I do have a feeling that someone is assigning to me this tremendous pain I feel. What I can’t figure out is why?
Am I that Karmically fucked up?

I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t ask to be born.

Apathy has become my existence.

I just want to go.

It all start when I was in 8th grade, I had lots of friends but I felt that they were all just my friend as pitty that I’m such a loser. Maybe I was just paranoid because there was a group of boys that I knew since kindergarden and lets just say this:They were total idiots. Middle school ended and I went to 9th grade, High school. One day in the summer my friend Mike was like ” Hey, Miss. Sad I want you to meet my friend Collin. So I said “Sure whats the worst that could happen?” Little did I know that the […]

It’s, Sometimes it just gets like this, You know
Who’s to say what’s right or wrong?

He walked alone, for such a time,
No fulfillment in existence, Life was just a grind,
So his heart is stone and his soul’s an empty shell He said, “Sevin, I pray for Heaven, while they send me Hell”

But what could I say when I myself don’t know the truth?
I guess the environment we were lyin in had stole our youth
Cause we were hurtin then and in some ways we’re tortured still
Dreams depictin the screams of victims we were forced to kill
And if they only knew […]

My best friend asked me if I was depressed today.

“Why would you ask me that?” I stopped walking and turned to face him.

Drake looked perplexed, shrugging his broad shoulders, “You haven’t been talking lately and you barely look at me anymore”.

I bit my lower lip, starting to walk again slowly with him by my side.

“No, I’m fine”, I lied.

I could see the expression on his face that meant he was hurt that I wasn’t giving him the truth. I turned away from his disapproving eyes, why did he have to know me so well? I thought I was doing a good job at hiding my doubts […]

You’ll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You’ll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We’ll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when […]

School is going to be hell today.

I used to like school, used to like learning about the english language and chemistry, but I don’t anymore. Now school just seems like another prison for me, somewhere people can bombard me with questions I don’t have the answers too, where kids can act like they don’t care if I live or die.

I bet they don’t care, I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if they didn’t care.

I don’t really care what happens to me at this point, I’m just sick and tired of being trapped in this body where I’m not even comfortable in my own skin, stuck […]

Best way is quickly; but, have concern for who will find you. Make sure you will be alone for at least 12 hours to make sure you are dead.  There is pain involved.  So, do it quickly.  A gun to the right part of head.  Massive drugs of the right type; problem is getting the right type.  Knife if you can stand the pain to the heart.  Cutting wrists is slow and if someone saves you results in damage.  Good luck!  :>) !!

Everyone tells you when you think about suicide talk to someone.
I called everyone in my phone.
No one picked up.
My roommate is in one room, watching Lost, and my boyfriend in the other.
No one gives a shit.
Whenever I try to talk to them about this, they just turn their heads.
Whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about this, he always makes it worse. He says he’s going to call a hospital.
What hospital? What are you doing? Really? I would rather be dead than go to a hospital. The last thing that someone who […]

I continue to struggle with finding a desire to live. I’ve tried to many times. When i was 8 i tried to hang myself, that was the first time i tried. it came and went as a grew up. When i was 15 i lost my virginity to my 21 year old boyfriend at the time. He told me that if you don’t put out older boys won’t want to date you and that if i’m going to be with him i have to do older things. It was the worst minutes of my life. he was on top with all of his weight crushing […]

My parents decided to get a divorce today. Well, they’re not really my parents, it’s my stepdad and my mom.
I know I should feel some sort of remorse for him leaving my family, but I don’t, not for my sake anyway. I hate him. I have no reason too, and yet I feel like I do. He’s never hit me, or my mom, or my sister, but everytime he yells at us for the littlest things it feels like he does, it stings so much.
I used to not care, I thought I could take the vocal hurassment because he made my mother happy, […]

My life is actually not that bad; I have few major tragedies, no horrible history, no awful circumstances.  But what I do have is a level of self-loathing beyond what almost anyone could imagine.  I hate myself completely and throughout every day my internal monologue berates me, telling me how worthless and pathetic I am, what a failure I’ll always be.  Funny enough, I’m somewhat successful; I’m a good student, I have talents and skills, and I’m a reasonably kind person.  But none of that matters because at the deepest level I understand that I am a piece of shit.  It’s one of the most […]

I dont even know why im alive anymore. everyone has taken everything from me. my 5.0 gpa gone my 17min 5k gone im basically nothing anymore. its not even worth it. i just want to die. i street race hoping to crash into a tree and die. il never hit another car when racing because we race on closed streets and my car is just built to handle well go fast and get destroyed if i crash. every system that protects me has been shut off and my supports and frame have been compromised. but anyway i dont know anymore. people have destroyed me and […]

I don’t know who I am. Who does know who they are? My guess is no one really does, they just pretend like they do so no one else will see that they don’t know, and are scared of remaining unknown to themselves.
I thought I knew who I was. Pretty little Violet with a name fit for a rose, who loved to write, read, and just be by herself most of the time. I don’t know anymore. Ever since I started the tenth grade it’s as if everything I knew about myself has just been erased from my mind and I have to start […]

After reading some of these stories i should be happy for the life i have considering others. Just seems hard to though. I have 3 older siblings that are 10-13 years older than me, all three are married beautiful children and spouses. My two sisters are hot shot doctors who graduated top of there class from very well known schools. My brother owns several businesses in the town he lives in, also graduated top of his class. My family is like the hallmark greeting card. My parents expect so much from me, to be like my older siblings, be smart, be wealthy, be a religious […]

I dont deserve to live. They took someone off life support because they thought he would die anyway. I couldnt do anything to sleepy from that medication they gave me. You could hear the scream when they took it away and gave it to me. He should have lived not me.