General

I fucking HATE my shit ass family. It’s xmas eve. NO ONE invited me to Thanksgiving or Xmas.

I have an infection on my arms and legs and can’t walk and NO ONE is fucking helping me. I can barely get dressed let alone walk. Not to grocery store, not anything. I am fucking suffering and NO ONE even bothers to ask how I’m doing, let alone help me in any way or shape. FUCK EVERYONE. I am DONE with them ALL.

Is there any wonder WHY I am angry as shit at life? I’m TIRED of […]

I’ve written variations of this many times before, but I’m still trying to figure it out.

The majority of my suffering is self-generated. Meaning it emerges as a result of who I am as a person. I obviously have my fair share of physical aches and pains, which are less directly down to problems with who I am. But the mental stuff feels far worse, and it’s generally completely unnecessary. No purpose is served by my being swallowed by feelings of isolation, loss and despair.

I wouldn’t expect to ever have complete control over my emotions. But it seems like it is possible to alter over time […]

Getting my head shaved on Christmas and keeping it that way going forward. I’ll never look in the mirror again except for shaving once in while, maybe not even then. I figured part of my self hatred might dissipate if I don’t see my face ever again, except when unavoidable.

:'(

It sucks, the connection was trivial (I think) but I remember I saw some dude nearly get ran over by a driver at a grocery store parking lot. I remember saying something just audible enough so that the dude was able to hear me. I think I said something like: “man, that guy drives like a douchebag”. Apparently he appreciated my comment or something. Can’t remember all the details because I was drunk but I remember we both had nothing going on that day and we connected. We seemed to have the same sense of humor and interests. It almost felt like I was talking […]

I can feel the depression creeping back in and quite frankly, I am scared. I’m scared of myself, I’m scared of what I’m capable of doing. When I get depressed, my intrusive thoughts win. I don’t have the energy to fight them off when I’m depressed. After my 6th hospitalization in October, I told myself that it would be my last one, but I’m not so sure anymore. It’s been a battle, an uphill one at that.

I’m sad that this is the way things are. I have everything going for me – an engineering degree in progress, a nice car, a beautiful home… I […]

-_-

I don’t think I realized or at least admitted to myself how much I depend on this place. I know I’m warm and thankful, but what most people don’t know is that’s my default reaction to anything that lasts

but I had a nightmare last night, and it started with me loading the main page here. The site was overrun by spam and junk content. No thoughtful posts, no screaming into the void, no musings on the nature of existence. And it seemed so real, because it happened once, I don’t know if anyone is still around that remembers it. Some particularly awful trolls managed to […]

i don’t even know how i feel about anything. i also don’t like adapting to my environment, which makes other people think i cause my own problems. in the end the control factor is what i want. i feel like i’m inching toward some realization that i can’t have this. i always threaten suicide, possibly like a true narcissist, and i can’t really tell if this is the hill i want to die on or not.

i just want my decision to be my own. no pleasing people, or trying to get on their good side..

i wonder if i’m going against how i really feel. i […]

Last Sunday I was reclining on the sofa, looking at the ceiling, my left hand on my forehead, trying to worry, trying to worry about the reality of a weedless Christmas. What is worse than no weed is poor quality weed, that is my fucking nightmare. She was sitting opposite me, not so much scrolling on her phone but jabbing into her phone with temper. Her energy was stsrting to get on my nerves. ” look how cranky you get without weed” said I. ” you got me into it, didn’t you” she said. ” Don’t pin on it on me baby” I said. My […]

sometimes something is sublimely satisfying, and I want to try and share it. That’s where I screw up, no one cares, no one wants to know about it

This time it’s an obscure mythos out of a remote tribe of Native Americans. They’d come back from their vision quest, and they were advised not to try and share what they saw on the vision quest, that most people wouldn’t understand. Or maybe no one cared. The only ones proported to understand were the white haired elders. Old people will talk to young people about anything, essentially.

It just fascinates me what deep meaning these tribes had. Europeans […]

The dissonance between the raging sickness inside and whatever passes for my conscience grows more intense daily. It’s so bizarre to feel so emotionally hijacked and captivated by it one moment, and a few hours later to catch myself moralising the actions of others and feeling for the pain of the world. How could such opposite creatures exist within the same head. I feel I must be lying to myself about any pretence of empathy The sick part of me must rule all, must define me. And in the eyes of any outsider, it understandably will.

I think the reality is probably that my extreme inhumanity […]

i wish i would just do it already. i dont know what stops me. other than being a coward. i feel like im at the brink of losing it. ive already failed. im a failure. but being a not-failure is too much. being a somebody – doing anything that matters – is too much. i am so tired. but ive done nothing. literally. nothing. i am nothing. what am i even holding on for. theres nothing. fucking nothing! i shouldve killed myself long ago. 2018. i dont know what stopped me then. or now. or ever. theres no point anyway. this world is awful. im […]

Too Many PROBLEMS
Too Much STRESS
Not Enough MONEY :'(
Not Enough HEALTH :'( :'(

Does anyone else’s blood boil when having to deal with CSRs? ESPECIALLY shitty Amazon Customer Service. I’m fucking pissed. AN hour and half on the phone/chat and they still don’t do shit. Fucking bullshit.

Have anyone noticed CS has gotten worse since 2020? I mean they were never good but after 2020 it’s been a NIGHTMARE having to talk to them. AND they don’t help you in any way.

Anyhow, just a RANT -_-

something i didn’t understand

I wanted to be alone when it happened. When the clock rolled over to 3:14. I went outside and took a walk through the neighborhood. Eventually I sat on a curb. I listened to one more song. I’ll talk about it later. I watched my phone as it ticked over. I said outloud, “I should have killed myself by now.” I said it twice. There was no point in saying it outloud. I just wanted to. I didn’t feel any better or any easier. It just felt hollow.

I woke up at […]

I am ALONE in this world.
I have NO ONE.
No one to love me, no one for me to love.

Deprived of Love from Day1 of birth, this sad soul has never known love. Only hate.
Is it a wonder this sad sack of meat is utterly broken?

Why did I have to be born to suffer this shit life?
Why wasn’t I aborted? Fuck this shit called “life.”

I think this website/webpost is my roman empire, no matter how long i go without coming here i seem to always find my way back.

My first post here was back in 2014 (obviously using an other account), i used to love reading back then and I even vowed on my life to become a great author. It’s almost 2024, i haven’t read a single book this year (i mean I’ve started some but haven’t finished none) and i haven’t written anything ever since 2018 (im doing amazing aren’t i?) .

Whenever i come here the first thing i do is reread all my old post because […]