General

Yeah, life is beautiful- for OTHER ppl.

For ppl who have money- who can afford to live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. OFC life is beautiful. But for the rest of us- cramped into a tiny box called an “apt” surrounded on all sides by shit neighbors- it’s fucking hell. 60% of all Americans live paycheck to paycheck. Life is NOT “beautiful” for us. That’s 60% of the fucking US population. And that’s not taking account the ppl who may not be paycheck to paycheck but are still in rough shape. Like one rung up the […]

The desires that burn within me are seemingly inexhaustible. Presumably that’s why I’m still alive. Because if I’m dead then that’s the end for them. Even though I’m doing very little to pursue them, and there seems to be very little chance that any of them will ever be fulfilled.

There’s something so depressing about being able to see the futility of the motivations and drives within you, yet having nothing else within you strong enough to override them. Reason being ultimately the slave of the passions. The only thing that could overpower my will to live would be the development of a stronger will to […]

Interesting…this just happened to show up in my feed lol

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What would you do (aside from going back in time and aborting yourself)?

I’m trying to appreciate my progress, even when it seems small, especially when it seems small, because small is all I’ve got.

so five days straight on my shower a day goal successful, I need to be pleased about it. It’s still work, I’m a ways yet before it is a habit.

I read a book that really did it for me, Ambrose Ibsen’s The Other Woman. I devoured the thing in two days. It touched on some important themes for me, loss, and trying to make sense of the absurdly awful. I’m still processing, but I think it was good progress.

Finally, the best progress in awhile; […]

Death in a second.

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I’m in a place where for the last 10 years I haven’t been able to form close relationships with anyone.

Drunk again. Kinda need to be in order to really have a stream of conscious post. There’s a lot on my mind. None of it I think I can or want to articulate. While drinking, I had the realiziation that I really need to kill myself. Like really need to. I’m not cut out for this. The whole living thing. Making relationships, having a career, being happy. It’s just not in the cards for me. A bullet to the brain whould fix all my problems. Emphasis on the my. I get that it […]

I am ANGRY at what a shitty hand I was dealt in life. And FRUSTRATED that I can’t make my life work. DEPRESSED and SUICIDAL bc my life isn’t working and is shit.

If we all could make our lives work, or in some of your cases just work better, we wouldn’t be here on this suicide site.

After decades of misery upon misery- just what CHANCE is there that “things will get better”? That suddenly, that I will finally have a good partner, have a few real good friends, have money/not have to worry about money anymore, and my health improves?

I don’t belong in this world. The ppl who thrive in THIS shitty world are:
1- ppl who are born well off- If you weren’t born into money (and by that I mean at least to middle class parents, which btw, HALF the population are NOT) you are pretty much screwed, unless you manage to beat the odds […]

Before the wall cracked, I made decisions like Dr. Spock- I was very analytical and logical- and made decisions that made the most sense. Like for ex, which University to go to given my lack of money, lack of parental support of any kind, and What I should major in, and etc. It turned out that all decisions made were all “bad” decisions in the end- not “bad” as in I stupidly did stupid things, but “zigged” instead of “zagged”- albeit most were unbeknownst to me that it would turn out bad.

It made sense to major in Finance/Business, even though my heart was […]

*I know this post is really long, but I hope some of you read it all the way through*

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This was back in 2009. Yes, a long ass time ago, but I still have not gotten over him. It’s very rare I even like someone enough to go out with them, let alone fall in love with. That was the problem- I didn’t even know at the time I had fallen in love with him.

My whole childhood was full of abuse, so I naturally shut myself off from my emotions and stuffed them into a box I called the “Pandora’s […]

When I got over something else, something else majorly bad happened that I can’t get over. Just my luck. But it’s a little less daunting than the last thing. I opened up more about things, and it hasn’t gotten better, but at least there’s some more clarity. I feel like I should be even more devastated, but the relative scale of things makes me try to numb myself to it. I’m feeling pretty devastated already, but the trade off is that I’ve opened up more. Whatever.

Seriously speaking I feel I’m unworthy in all aspects . I’m insecure everything about me . Today’s my birthday and I’m diving to the deeper depths of sadness . I don’t know what I have in life ….  Just living some void shit …. My existence doesn’t have any meaning.  I don’t expect anything from anyone but that’s making me more isolated and depressing.  Idk whom to say these thoughts . I don’t want to share to anyone I know . Cuz they will not value or respect my feelings especially the closed ones . The person I love is making me feel like it’s […]

Someone molested me and it’s affecting me more than it ever has before. So I have an issue with speaking, I can’t get words out when I’m nervous. It comes with social anxiety. And that’s why it happened. I couldn’t speak to tell him to stop, and I couldn’t come off as confident enough to discourage him from doing it to me. It makes me feel like such a loser. I don’t want to tell anyone the details because I’m ashamed of not being able to fucking speak. It won’t stop coming to my mind. I can’t have sex without the same feelings coming up. […]

keeping friends has always been a struggle for me and i get scared every time i make new friends. i’m really good at small talk but once people really get to know me they never really want to stay. i feel like i’m too much.

i give so much of myself into the friendship they get overwhelmed by me. so then i just shut down and try not to bother them anymore. this keeps happening and i don’t know how to fix myself. at this point i think it’s better not to try anymore.

God, I’m wondering where the process of pain started and where it clustered up so much, that my soul tossed the leftovers onto a pile of great shame. And these would just never be picked up again, because there was a lot to digest at the time. I’m wondering whether it is too late, to work through them now. Is it the origin of my distrust and overemotional behavior?

Today I replayed a scenario from my past and I took it apart and changed it. It’s unfortunate, I couldn’t be in control back then. It’s a rather happy memory actually. And I know, it could’ve been […]

After that last bit, feeling particularly suicidal, I sunk back into myself. It was perfection, I almost ceased to be for 14 hours. Then I woke up, did what I had to, and tried to replicate it, and you know what happened? awful failure, nightmares, and I realized that if I didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t sleep right. I also can’t really create the pain, it just has to hit me.

Like today. The first four hours I was pushing, pouring myself out and hurting for it. But now? the relief has started, and I think it’s going to be a good night. What kind of sick […]