General

So… for a few years now, I’ve been quietly dreading the death of the family dog. She’s nearly 16 now, very old for a retriever. She’s actually my parents’ dog, but they got her while I was still living with them, and I raised her for the first few months, and spent a lot of time caring for her/playing with her over the years. For a while I was her substitute “parent” – she used to fall asleep on me when she was a puppy. As sad as it is to say, it’s probably the closest I’ll get to an actual parental/caring role in my […]

I’m in my early 30s yet my view of my future hasn’t changed since I was in Elementary school. The future I desire is death and it always has been. I never imagined living into my 30s and I definitely don’t want to live in my 70s. Perhaps I would be happier as a cyborg where I don’t have to deal with the reality that this body will weaken into an immovable husk one day. Wait, just a brain would be even better.

Anyway, I never wanted any of the things “normal people” view as making life worth living. I don’t want a career since I […]

I had to go to ER and my infection was so bad they admitted me in-patient to the hospital for 5d. Well all my horrible health issues aside, which are super bad, that aside….I get slapped with a $1632 deductible, just for coming into the ER. How lovely. This is how “great” America is. -_-

bc other people lack self awareness.

and advocate for it or make it more accessible. as well as the other life improving stuff, too. that’s going to be my mission. i screwed up my life out of fear and committed social suicide. this isn’t heroic. that’s what people think but it’s not that at all. i’m killing myself because i can’t stand the mistakes i made. and how they affect me. not how they affect others. people keep interpreting it that way. they only think my life is deserving if i’m of use to others. i probably projected that onto myself. oh well. 

i’ve given up on talking to chatrooms. or the […]

When I woke up this morning I had an email, and it said that the Social Work job wasn’t taking me. It’s a form letter, which I’m not sure if makes it any better.

So….. yeah. I was hoping I’d be less dissappointed, but I don’t run the show there obviously. There are other counties with the same job, so it’s not even the end of the road on that job. I have decided I was overly honest, people don’t want truth, they want what they expect to hear.

I won’t be right back at it again until next week, at the earliest. I want to get […]

overthinking every little thing. feeling bad others aren’t doing well. disdain for how i spend my time. nobody i can relate to. 

A week ago I was up at my parents, conversing with the neighbour. A strange character in my opinion unlikeable shuffling up the road forced his way into the conversation. Perhaps the neighbour knew him, I didn’t nor did I want to. As I suspected the neighbour didn’t like him either and remarked to me that this interruptor who must have been at least 60 fancied himself as a hardman. Yesterday I was up at my parents again and noticed whilst driving into the estate a house which looked like it had been fire damaged. I got talking to the neighbour and got the full […]

Cognitive Empathy vs. Emotional Empathy (verywellmind.com)

guess i can learn all this psych/social psych stuff i’m on my own, but i always need an audience..

in my case, the people at home are not suitable to have conversations with, period.

I feel like it’s the end of the world
Do you?
Have you noticed that time is going by faster than before?

and even as I type that I realize my anxiety comes out in unexpected ways. It’s a weird headspace I’m in about it, and I’m writing it down because chances are WHATEVER happens in the morning, I won’t remember what this felt like. Call it trauma, call it ADHD, I don’t care, big events wipe clear hours and sometimes days before they happen for me.

I took today for me, was feeling a little over manic yesterday. I did a ton of cleaning over the two days after I got the interview request, then I had nightmares about being instutitionalized. Maybe this thing I’m calling mania […]

I’m tired of being this. And I don’t think I have it in me to be anything else. I tell myself that I’m going to change, but I never actually do anything. Deep down, I don’t really believe anything is worth doing. I’ve ruined my life, and ruined my mind, and any changes at this point can only marginally delay the ship sinking.

all of it are social ills. i once thought that people committing suicide over words or bullying/harrassment had to be some form of narcissist. but narcissist doesn’t mean bad. in a way, it almost does. i guess bad just means killing people over it, i don’t know, like a school shooter. there was a recent shooting in iowa. but i hear about people who have done things like this and still, some people don’t condemn them. what i hate the most about society is our lack of forethought. i consider myself to be a considerate individual. i think people need to pay more attention to […]

We’re seven days into this new year, it would be erroneous of me to say that i haven’t been surrounded with love (happiness?). It feels good—it really does, but i can’t help feeling the way i do and i wish i could.

It always seems like i have so much to say, then i come here open a draft and despite having wished for it a few minutes before when i so desperately wanted for my head to go quiet and it didn’t, ironically now that i need it the most, my mind is completely silent.

I want to come here and let my words flow, write […]

you’re so jaded about life that nothing interests you or motivates you anymore?

There is no such thing as meritocracy- hard work and intelligence don’t get you anywhere or rewarded in this life. It’s all who you know and how much you bootlick.

It just demotivates you from doing anything because everything is either meaningless or unfair.

Few jobs pay well- at least the jobs you can get without having to go for another degree or go waste more money.

Jobs/Career/Corporations = all bullshit
People = disappointing.

Most humans are selfish, don’t actually care, and won’t have your back when you need it. Sure, it’s […]

Saw two posts here about midlife crises, and another about people talking about their life circumstances. 

Saw a book by this title that talked a lot about this stuff.  The misconception around midlife crises being a thing, and another about life circumstances making you happy. 

I also remember heartlessviking talking about how hearing about suicide might have made him more likely to commit it. the book addressed this and said while there was no study on the effect of this, there was no support of that claim either. actually, i also recommend that book to him, as he was interested in psychology. admirable book. 

I wish I could find help. I have no one I can talk to. Posting on here helps somewhat. But I want someone who can talk to me face-to-face and tell me that everything will be alright and that they’re here for me.

I can’t confide in my parents and I have no friends in real life. I used to have someone I could talk to, but I don’t think she wants anything to do with me.

I feel so lonely, isolated and depressed. It’s a relentless cycle and everyday it gets worse. For now, I still hold on because I have hope for […]