General

just realized this is another self deception. i’m here not saying how i really feel. i’ve deceived myself very well. 

it’s not i who thinks i’m a joke. i don’t think i’m a joke. i think others are a joke. and that’s the thing i need to work on.

If anyone reads this, I want them to know how strongly I considered not writing it. Just, starting with that out there. When I realized that was avoiding my feelings, I decided to write it. Time will tell if that was a good decision.

There’s so much to unpack, I’ve been chronically ill most of my life. On several occasions I managed to pull myself together, and if that’s all there was to it I wouldn’t be here right now, as in writing this. I pumped myself full of optimism and good brain chemicals and took another shot at life. It even sort of worked for […]

my life is a joke to most people. i’m the comic relief, or someone they cringe at. and i’m starting to really become fine with it. as in, i need to accept it. i might be mentally ill, but i think embracing it is much more desirable for me. i may not win the long game, and i know this, but i’m not ready to give up my “bad” habits yet. after all, who says they are bad?
i also don’t need a therapist. self reflection is enough. circumstances right now are making it particularly hard to self reflect.
i might actually kill […]

These lies are so prevalent that we don’t even know all the lies that’s been told to us by society/industry. We just parrot these common talking points as if they were truth. Meanwhile, everything is told to us on purpose, so this industry and that industry can make a profit here, and there. Every lie we’ve been told has some kind of agenda behind it. Usually to profit some corporation/industry.

I knew it. I knew this rock bottom thing was bullshit, and now I know why. This is all a money-making racket. As 99% of most things in life boils down to the root of.

If ppl think they need to hit rock bottom, they won’t stop their destructive behaviours, bc they think they have to hit “rock bottom” first. And also, friends /family will refuse to help, and many are specifically told to NOT help from AA groups and counselors/therapists bc they “need to let the person hit rock bottom.”

Basically, if family truly help the person, and if friends are sympathetic, […]

So yeah, definitely had the conversation that she isn’t going to be around much while she is focused on recovery. Yeah, good for her? I guess I’m just not part of what recovery looks like, and I somehow knew that. She told me she didn’t want to lead me on and not be there. Then there is me, stupidly in love, I agree to stay on the possibility that she decides not to push me away again later as she works through stuff but I’m clearly not a priority, should I be a priority, we’ve only been dating for four months. Idk. Why am I […]

We’re told once we hit rock bottom, it’ll be our wake up call and we’ll start to climb back up. But that is a lie. There is no bottom. When you think life couldn’t get worse, it does. Then it gets even worse. And worse. There is no “rock bottom.” I’ve hit “bottom” for the last 18 fucking years. The bottom just keeps getting lower and lower and lower, and life just gets worse and worse. Bottom is death. Nothing else. There is no hitting “rock bottom” whereby your life just magically gets better […]

Wish I could tell everyone to distance themselves from me for their sake

Few things make me want to say “fuck it” more than explicit reminders of how horrifying what I’ve done is to the rest of society. Of course on some level I know how awful it was. But most of the time I don’t actually feel that. It’s so mixed up with conflicting positive feelings that it doesn’t really connect.

But every now and then I get a stark summary of how the rest of the world actually views people like me. And I don’t want to live in that world. I refuse to exist in that reality. I can’t see any meaning to being that person […]

Drank a 6 pack in a matter of hours. 12 oz 9.5 ABV. I threw up. Didn’t know when to stop. Just kept going and going. God’s a cocksucker. He puts us on this earth to fuck with us. Only damn reason. Can’t take a shower. Too cold. Another reason why he’s a cocksucker. Sobbering up a bit. Just a bit. The acid in my nose hurts. Gargled mouth wash to soothe my throat. still hurts. Just want to take a damn shower. Can’t even allow me that. What a […]

do you relate to king magnifico from that new wish movie from disney?
you talk about being a cult leader or something. if you’re a good person, you can have power. i wonder if you demonize yourself

What if it’s all a dream or dream like. I’ve spent decade of my life trying to find a base, a solid base which I can trust and say “This is Truth” and build a system of thought, a life on that base. But I found none. All I find is lies. Even things as simple as material objects turn out to be lies as proven by scientists using mathematics and philosophers by logic. And I can observe it myself. I watch the door grow bigger as I move closer to it. Is it small or is it big? What is the True size of […]

Our society is fucked up. There is a reason why I am so unhappy with everything. Yes, there’s my personal issues like health and childhood/family traumas, but beyond that, there’s also the fucked up society we are living in that really gets to me. Our society is broken, in so many ways. If I didn’t give a crap like most ppl I know about things, then I could just be fine. The ppl who don’t care are happy as a clam.

Yes, I know I’m pretty fucked up from depression and trauma and everything that’s happened to me, […]

Today was really the big day. Two presentations. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things. But still. First one went bad. Like pretty bad. We didn’t really have anything to show. Our code wouldn’t work. Of coarse it won’t if you just started programming last Wednesday. You could tell the prof wasn’t happy. He did cut us some slack,said that things like this can be hard, but there’s no way we are getting anything higher than a C. That’s for the presentation though. The paper is separate and due Thursday. […]

Happy and Evil, or Super Depressed but a good person?

okay, part one; I’ve had a splitting headache all day, so I’ve had painkillers and feel weird in general, and maybe that’s all that is going on

but this isn’t the first time, I’m craving a drug I’ve never had. Not going to get graphic about it, but I have visualization fantasies about doing a particularly dangerous drug, and how does that work? I’ve never done it, and realistically I probably never will. This isn’t how I understand you get into such things… like isn’t it supposed to be a slipperty slope from legal or semi legal stuff? Most addicts I’ve met have done it to […]

not solving my problems. done

It is upon me. Like I’ve mentioned before, there’s alsways that one week of the semester that really screws me. Everything is due and I scramble. Now it’s here. TBH I felt worse about it this morning, but I think I might actually make it. Maybe. Hard to say.

I flipped a stupid coin to see whether or not I’d google her or not. Just to try and see her face. She doesn’t have any pics online from what I can tell. A facebook and linkedin that I can’t access due to now wanting to create/log in to […]

Where you been at? It’s killswitchon. Hit me up!