and yet again, it begins. the trial. the trial of me having to suffer withdrawal so that they can give me yet another round of a new medication. i’m so tired. i can taste the release of death. it would be so easy. so, so easy. i can taste it. yes, load me up with another drug. because it will be different this time, right? it will last longer this time, right? right?
i made paper cut outs today. i laminated them afterwards, and went to cut off the excess plastic. i was in the middle of carefully cutting around the paper, when the overwhelming urge to cut up all of my hair, my skin, and my clothes came over me. nothing triggered it. just an intrusive thought. why do they have to happen, though? my mind is already so cluttered, why does my brain create more mess for me to wade through? i’ve avoided cooking for a very long time because of it.. i can’t even dice vegetables without an intrusive thought telling me to stab myself […]
i had talent. people would compliment me on it all the time. i don’t know why i didn’t pursue it. I was afraid of of failure. Now i am a failure, at a job i absolutely hate, hardly have any money. I try to imagine that i would have failed either way, but i wish i had just tried. But i didn’t and now im stuck here. It’s worse having wasted talent than no talent at all because if you aren’t good at something then it’s no harm no foul. But it sucks knowing you were good at something and you didn’t pursue it because […]
the only reason i haven’t offed myself is because the people around me keep pleading me not to. why? why do they care? my ex came to my house last night around 1 am because he was worried about me. He rang the doorbell and woke my parents, but luckily they went back to sleep. He walked to my house. At midnight. In the cold. why do they care? I was on the phone with him for 2 hours telling him to go home but he was refusing to do so until he was convinced that I was safe. I just want to be gone. let […]
Another night of no sleep, so you people get to suffer along with me. More sleep deprived drivel. Now then, lets get on with it. No sense in putting things off. (Double entendre? You decide.) Single file, all bunched together, screw “social distancing.” There’s pain to be suffered!!! Pain is good, it builds character! Shall we?
The rules were set in the beginning. I’m only along for the painful ride. My control is limited, I make my plans and run my errands, knowing that life is in charge, not me, no matter how much I think otherwise. Life is a fickle mistress, one day loving and […]
You can feel it. The overwhelming dread of it all, the persistent paranoia; draped upon your shoulders like a cloak. It seems to swallow you whole. It’s what makes you sit down in the shower, wailing into your folded arms as the painfully hot water falls onto your back. It’s the tactile hallucinations of someone standing right behind you, watching you. It makes you feel like you’re delusional, like you can’t tell anybody or even begin to explain any of it. They wouldn’t understand. It’s the same thing that forces you to battle yourself into staying awake as long as possible so that you […]
…sucks.
I’m back on here. I thought i was doing better than i was 2 weeks ago, but in reality i’m not. I finally got diagnosed with depression 5 days ago. i already knew that i had it but i guess it’s a good thing i officially know. I just feel so tired. None of my hobbies make me happy anymore, i don’t understand why. I finally started cleaning my room but i don’t want to finish it, that feels like too much work. I still can’t go a day without thinking about death or suicide. I want to die the only reason i haven’t gone […]
the disgust. the self shaming and hatred. it kills me. because of the nature of the abuse i’ve endured, i’m left with a body devoid of purity, a husk adorned with scars and tainted with contempt. i am repulsed. i am repulsed with myself, i am repulsed by sexuality because it has not been presented to me as a loving gift, but a weapon. a weapon to degrade me and disintegrate any sense of dignity i had left. a weapon to steal away the power from me, to leave me as nothing but a puppet. a slave. reduced to an object. discarded once they’ve tortured […]
Hello insomnia, again. This is sort of a non-specific rant, about nothing. Today’s Valentines day, and here I am, pouring out my heart to SP. Wonderful. Maybe I’ll buy it some flowers and am box of chocolates. What a stupid tradition, right up there with the World War 1 xmas truce – let’s stop killing one another and exchange gifts for one evening. There was a nasty ice storm here night before last. The power has been out for a while and I am unable to relax enough to sleep while wearing twenty pounds of […]
i want to lay down, wrap myself in my blankets and sleep forever… but i fear what waits for me on the other side of my slumber. the things i experience when i dream. they continue to plague me, night after night. my mother is making me take a magnesium supplement to help with my sleep (note: I am a VERY small person, this will be important in a second). all it’s done so far has been give me a stomach upset. i highly doubt a sour magnesium drink that Maya Rudolph does commercials for is going to cure my c-ptsd induced parasomnia. i’m at […]
i spoke to my therapist today. i read to her my recent journals to help me evoke emotions so i could actually talk about something. i spoke about how bad the nightmares have been getting, how the paranoia is affecting me, et cetera… and i don’t quite remember how, but we ended up on the topic of the recent violently abusive situation i was in (in august). there was something there that i hadn’t unearthed before? the anger towards my parents. allow me to provide some context: in the situation i was in, i was being blackmailed. my abuser was forcing me to do horrible […]
i’m in a place where i am mentally unable to handle anything. schoolwork feels like trying to roll a boulder up a mountain. functioning in general, actually. i feel so isolated. my friends aren’t as responsive as they used to be when we were all in treatment together… i just feel like shit. i haven’t been able to even work up the motivation to finish my paintings (which are way past due). i have a reading response due tomorrow (600 words) and i haven’t even been able to figure out what the fuck i’m going to say about this passage from Walden. he contradicts himself […]
i often feel like it’s my fate to never be truly happy. as if i’m destined to suffer, that’s my purpose.
many try to make the point of “oh, the bad parts will be over soon”
and to that, I have to ask when? when will they be over? when will they cease to repeat themselves?
it’s a question left unanswered, because the answer is something they don’t want to admit.
The answer is “never”.
for me, at least. I find myself to constantly be a target for abuse, manipulation, pain, et fucking cetera. over and over and over, a never-ending cycle of torture and emotional turmoil.
i don’t have the energy to […]
I’m so tired.
Partially because the ~6 or so hours of sleep I get are of abysmal quality, but I mostly attribute my exhaustion to me being sick. I’m so fucking sick. I’m so exhausted all the time, the nightmares and night terrors plague me and I spend a significant amount of my day thinking about the awful dreams or worrying that it’s some kind of “sign” or “warning,” as if I have precognition or some shit (I know it’s stupid, I don’t know why my anxiety seems to make me delusional to an extent). The effects of my PTSD are fucking debilitating. The dissociation kills […]
Lmao I’m feeling this type of way tonight to come onto this site and checked my post history and I’ve been on this goddamn site for EIGHT YEARS now. Granted, it’s been on and off, but Jesus Christ. You’d think if I was going to, I would’ve done so by now. My first post is from when I was only 14 and now I’m recently turned 22. What a fucked up life.
It’s honestly hilarious when I look back on my old posts and read how broody, nihilistic I was. At least now I can laugh at my pain instead. I’m very grateful for […]
last night I had another nightmare. i don’t know why I say this as if I don’t have them every single night. when i wake up, i have to spend a while laying awake in bed, trying to process what i had experienced during my rest. it’s horrifying. these people that i try to push from my mind reappear as if my dream is their real estate. i’ve tried medication, meditation to induce lucid dreams, i’ve done everything within my power. it’s like some twisted possession, my thoughts are no longer in my control and the images of disturbing, horrifying things sit in front of […]
I’m a soon to be 20 year old with the feeling life doesn’t care what I want to be or what I want to do, anything I put energy into falls apart and it seems like I’m not meant to be what I truly desire. I’ve tried to kill myself several times each one ending with me breaking down in tears wishing I didn’t even have to do it. It’s like I HAVE to do it but why? It’s because I’m not what I want to see or what I want to be, everything I love to do is everything I’m not good […]
I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this […]
I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
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