I am extremely neurotic, but I think that I hide it decently enough. I feel as if just enough of my fucked up internal life seeps through to the exterior of my persona for people to flag me as being off. Body language is always a tell. When people are in a situation with someone that they don’t like or don’t feel comfortable with, they will unconsciously touch their face, squint their eyes, or cross their arms. These subtle cues get directed at me constantly, even when the person hardly knows me. Like I said before though, it is probably the internal rot coming from […]
Category:
Rants
my father and my mother was arguing.
i stopped getting in the way due to my mom always being on his side.
today, she snapped.
i felt bad. she was screaming and it made sense. before that, he was towering over her on the couch, telling her how she was wrong about how he “didn’t” cheat on her(if you read my last post he did, he has a mistress to this day and talks to her while all three of us are at work{my brother, mom and i}), how shes a liar, and an idiot. an imbecile etc.
and she snapped, she said “FUCK YOU ALL” and “YOU […]
I’m sorry, I don’t belong in this world. I don’t know how to be with others, how to fit in. Actually, I don’t even want to. The frustrations are too tiring. I give up. I’m safe, at home behind closed doors. Now i’m lonely and jealous. It’s bad either way. I can’t choose. I’ve always been this way. I don’t really love anyone. I hate myself mostly. To be alive or dead is my choice, it’s my right.
So I left and took the car my mom and me co-own but that she made most of the payments on. I went and stayed with a couple of druggies that offered to let me crash for a while but not before I took 666 dollars out of the joint account I had with my parents and bought a bar of gold using my dad’s Amazon store card to makeup for the shit he broke and refused to pay for. The druggies let me crash on their floor with a mattress from Monday to Thursday when they robbed me. I went down to the basement […]
1. I was bullied all my school life (from elementary to high school ). In my last year I manage to make some friends through lies and deceit. When I am with them I have to act like a diferent person, I have to laught every time they make a joke, I have to listen to their problems and offer advice because that’s the kind of person they think I am and as soon as i start to show my true self they always get freaked out, so I can never share my hobbies or my troubles. It was nice in the beggining being part […]
As you lie there falling to sleep
I can’t help but think
what’s left to loose
I’ve lost you
many time
your friends said don’t talk to him
“maybe they are right”
what if they are right
what if me leaving is the best for you
for both of us
so I can get going
and you can get better
I don’t know why you are still here
for me
I don’t know why I’m cared for
I don’t deserve you
you are happier without me
I caused you troubles
pain
it’s just one step to one small step to take
by the train platform
just one small step
and I can’t hurt you anymore
just one more heart ache that you will get over
one more
i don’t know […]
i went through lots of shit. im the unluckiest person alive. i lost my parents. i lost my best friend. im always being bullied, and was borned with an ugly face and being autist and bipolar doesnt help. and when i always searching in the net, they just saying it gets better, just hard work(yes and i didnt mentioned business fails, its pathetic) and other stuff. they act they know the other person. and what if im cant be happy? what? i know i should be dead. and i will do it, but i just needed it, for last time.
Something is seriously wrong with me.
I always knew that. Even as a kid, I knew I was fucked in the head. With no other way of explaining it, I deduced that I was actually a demon. I know that’s not the case now. I’m just broken. No, broken would imply that I was able to process the world properly at one point. I’m not broken. I’m dysfunctional. A misshapen gear unable to mesh with the other cogs in the works.
Most people are driven to work towards their goals, to make their mark in the world, to fight for what they believe is right. I don’t. […]
Hi, I’m sorry for this. I’m really sorry. This seems like the best way to get it out thought. I’ve realized it time and time again.
I’m going to die. Life has no meaning. There is no purpose of conscious existence. I rather wish we lived in a world were they could be no existentialism, but obviously not. There is, a simple way out however. So simple. And it would be worth it. It really would.
I have a plan. I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. Please, please, in the comments, this is a heavy rant, and I know you’ll want to […]
Hello. My name is Sergei Cherbanyatsev, and this is the “short” version of my story. If you want to know more about me on here, from my old (female) account, search the name “Mikhail Belakov” on here, click on the author’s username, “fallensovietgirl”, to see all of my posts circa 2014. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, my totally f**ked up life. So at the time of those posts, again found on fallensovietgirl, I was what Canadians and Americans would call a highschool freshman/sophomore. Anyways, I’m from Russia, and identify as a transgender male. Bozhe moi, Misha (Mikhail) would have been proud when I came […]
Im so depressed right now
And no one care about me
No one appreciate my existence
Should I just runaway from home for a few days?
So I can think whay i really want to do in my life
And my parents can think what they need to think about
Im stuck and I realy dont have a will to live anymore
Help me guys..
What should i do??
I will just runaway for some days and going back home again
I think with this plan all of us can think properly and not stuck here forever
I need a place to be alone and […]
A note to anyone who has no experiance in feeling suicidal. It always shocks me when some people say they have never felt this way. For me, it is summed up as this:
Just because someone takes their life before you are prepared to lose them does not mean that they went before their time. Neither does it mean that they were in any way selfish. It simply means that they are not suffering anymore and the pain you are feeling now may never even scratch the surface of what they had to endure for probably longer than you will ever know. They are at peace […]
People look at us like a pitiful person
Sometimes they call us crazy
Then they laughing at us
Make a joke of our pain
When we cry
We cant tell anyone
Cause we are afraid of how their eyes change
The way they look at us will change
We make war with our mind
We want to give our soul away
And we stuck there
With a plain look
And feel bored
How we ended up here
And how we cant get out
Anymore
Who to blame
Probably ourself
Take me home
For us expecially myself with depression
I just
want
the pain
to stop.
My friend A_____ turned 50 last year. I organized a nice little birthday gathering for him, which was especially meaningful for everyone since he’s battling mantle cell lymphoma (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mantle_cell_lymphoma), and optimistically has another five years to live.
I’ve known A_____ for at least five years. I certainly considered him a friend before his cancer diagnosis several years ago, and as soon as I knew what he was facing, I promised myself that whatever support he needed, I would always be there for him.
We’ve always had a very easygoing, normal friendship. He has always treated me with nothing but […]
I resent my parents so much, my dad is a bad person, hateful, judgemental, ignorant, arrogant, racist, narcissistic, a piece of work. I can’t wait for him to be dead. When that time comes I will feel like a huge burden have been lifted. I will no longer will have to pretend to care or listen to his idiocracies. One less person I have to pretend to care about. There are just not enough people in my family that I care for, and that is sad. I honestly dislike most of them, they were extremely mean to me and my sibling growing up, they were […]
It feels so lonely right now. I’m at work, have a family, people around me and yet I feel alone, so alone. Tired of living, which it is become more of a chore than a joy. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again, never.
don’t go if you are not sure she said
but i’m never sure
i’m never sure of what is there tomorrow
if there is any tomorrow
i am replaceable
“no you are not”
maybe the memory are not
but the feeling is
the feeling you have on me
you can have on someone else
so i am replaceable
i dont belong here
someone else will take my place
someone better
i mean nothing to me
i’ve got to leave soon
so don’t make it more difficult
ive loved you kissed you, hated you
still im here
but i wish im not
i wanted to stay for you
i still do
but its too much
love.li
Why is it that I have to stay alive because of others? what about me? why should I continue to suffer just so others won’t be hurt? it is so unfair that people think that suicide is a selfish act because that person didn’t think of their love ones. But what about the person that commited suicide? should had they continue the heavy burden that comes from being alive? It makes me mad that I can’t leave this world because my love ones will feel guilty or mad about me being gone by choice.
When I become suicidal, I become really angry since I can’t leave […]
The infinite void outside this planet is so perfect and sublime precisely because its limitless. How silly of me for seeking perfection all the while being trapped within a limited body.
Truly the best of all existence is one that does not exist. They can never point me out at my grave because the chunks of meat being feasted upon by maggots down there are not the person they define. That person is indefinite – nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
The dead of all time are free. They’re above the mediocrity of existence and they’re infinite like the universe. I’m just wasting my time here […]
I got fired from my job. Some randome guy started yelling racial slurs at me and yelles “you fucking *****” over and over because he came into the store 2 minutes before closing and we had nothing left to sell. Something broke inside me and I swore at him. I was immediately told to take 2weeks of unpaid leave. Its now been 3 weeks and my bosses havent responded.
My only friends were at that job. Ive been there for 3 years and now. Poof. My boyfriend was at that job. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now. We just got into a fight […]