Rants

8

Retail Hell

  July 27th, 2018 by WanderingDreamer91

I’m so tired of my freaking job… Sigh…

 

It’s just so demanding…

 

I work at Goodwill and here everything is already used and donated so everything is priced by stickers that can easily come off. o.o Then it has to be updated weekly as much as possible while old stuff comes off…

 

It’s hard to explain, but this can be really hard and exhausting…

 

For me at least, it’s a one man job too and I often even run out of stuff! Then like, I had to take a week off to spend time with my family and it was nice to get away from everything… but then of courde that had to make things a lot harder…

 

It’s often unhygenic too and I find myself sneezing a lot from thr fust and other stuff…

 

Then they got all these “values” messages blaring repeatedly every day in the store, and all this crappy music I’m sick and tired of hearing of…

 

This job is honestly one of the maon reasons why I want to kill myself, though I also seem to have no real life friends or even a future so there’s that too.

 

I still live with my family at 27… my parents got divorced when I was in middle school as a teen or something, however long back, but like last friday for a few hours midday my dad and stepmom were fighting too which my stepmom has also been married to someone else before and has kids so yeah… just neverending remarriages and fighting, god I hate everything…

 

I’m diagnosed with autism too even though the symptoms don’t really fit me. I’m not literal minded, I had to learn poetry in 7th grade before I was even diagnosed as a high schooler. Then doctors thought I had ADHD as a child and so on…

 

I mean, I guess I don’t really get along with people but…

 

I just don’t understsnd why it’s only me in my life and all these other jerk offs are able to be considered completelt normal even though some of them make me feel like crap.

 

I had to get a special program called DARS to help me because when I tried myself about 5 years or so after graduation and getting fed up no one would hire me… ot was hard too because I have social anxiety, least over formality… it just seems so… arbitarily judging, it scares me…

 

I can’t seem to quit my job either because my dad says it would cost me money next time to help me…

 

He literally does not give a crap about abything, I hate him…

 

You ever feel like people only help you because they have to, materially, and to get something out of it or something?

 

I mean, he’s physically abused me before… it still hurts to remember the pain of that…

 

… I just want to destroy society sometimes and never have to work again… I don’t even have dreams anymore…

 

I mean, I almost kind of want to be a therapist, maybe, but…

 

God idk I’d rather just die soon…

 

If I ever die on all of you then I’m sorry…

 

Edited

 

If being an adult as far as liking comedies go is to like stuff like Soith Park and The Big Bang Theory like my family does, then I’d rather not having anything to do with it!

 

I can’t stand all that “rude and crude” humor, it’s terrible, every character annoys me in these sitcoms, none of them are relatable or sympathetic at all…

 

And I find so many things about being an adult really complicated and hard…

 

Getting a license, getting a college degree, getting a bank account and debit (I have that set up though), learning to drive, how real estate works so I know how to get my own place, etc…

 

Dude, no one has ever told me how to do anything. ._. Doing everything on my own is hard…

 

I kind of want to be a kid again… except I don’t. I don’t want to be taken care of anymore and I don’t think the nostalgia of old games or show I grew up with matter, I can just use stuff like youtube or dowbloading an emulator for that, usually… and I have done that for a few things a long time ago. :p

 

I kind of miss my self… When I was lot happier and I didn’t know how muxh the world sucked and how superficial everything seems…

 

Sometimes I just want to live in nature and know how wilderness survival works…

 

Man, idk… It’s not like instinctual to know how society works, right? It’s something you learn and gdt taught to you somehow, or do yourself…

 

It’s just… ughhh…

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2

I resent the person that I am

  July 26th, 2018 by TheDyingEmperor

By far my greatest fault is my inability to control my own habits and to set up a daily routine. All I want to do is smoke weed and play video games. I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to do anything productive. It took me a month to put the uniform from my ex-job into the washing machine. A procedure that took about 5 minutes. This might cost me a bunch of money, yet I was so powerless over my own day-to-day stuff that I didn’t do it.

Sometimes I sit down and tell myself to stop the self-pity and try to …

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2

Hope

  July 26th, 2018 by dsemfodi

Hi! I’m new here. I’ve been very curious on the Smooth Passages that was in a book called My Heart and Other Black Holes and it led me to this website.

I think my depression all started 2 years ago. You may be thinking, I was so strong that I’m still alive up to this time. Well I tried. I’ve kept myself busy but the pain only deepens. I never told anyone about this. I may have given them signs yet nobody cares. The first year was very hard for me. I keep having insomnias at night and then this black shadow overcomes me and …

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2

Unprovable Pains

  July 25th, 2018 by raperapelemonade

Outside of myself. The woman everyone see’s just like everyone else, is carefully crafted. I am strong enough sometimes to smile and make jokes to my colleagues and sort out the chaos on my 3 Monitors to successfully complete a days work. I have pain beyond my threshold leeching on my spine and chest. I contain them until the weekend when I can perform my mental surgeries.

When the wounds mastisize and become larger than my ability to contain them I am frozen. I am powerless. I look at my 3 Monitors and watch the inbox rise watch the Skype pings sting watch that there is …

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3

Acceptance

  July 25th, 2018 by LoneRed17

This place makes me feel better. I finally have found some sort of acceptance in the fact that I am going to die. It’s nice to be able to just accept. I still feel this urge to fight and scream and holler at the sky with my pleas of hope and change, but I suppose that is only natural. There really is little to no point in this post. I was simply feeling incredibly alone and needed somewhere to type my thoughts out. This probably will get my post banned or something, but if anyone is willing to take in a 21 year old dude …

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2

Groundhog Day Loop

  July 24th, 2018 by WanderingDreamer91

Groundhog Day Loop Syndrome

(Image Source: Haruhi Suzumiya (Anime/Manga))

Itsuki: “We’ve entered an endless recursion of time. (x4)”

 

Intro

(Some rambling, sorry. :()

 

Sigh… I feel like saying so many things on here. 🙁

 

Like, most of it is on my profile I guess, but it would be nice to talk about personality stuff to see where everyone is at so I can get to know them, or if they never looked into it, they could to discover themselves. 🙂 Like, Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, arguably sillier ones like their D&D alignment, and so on…

 

I could also talk about dark anime/manga/games with a sense …

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2

Angry

  July 23rd, 2018 by Sextoyfortheuniverse

This was actually my reply to a comment and I think instead of replying to the person I somehow effectively ranted about my situation and I am too tired to type or think again so I will just paste it here.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and schizophrenia a year back. I was a great student but the indian education system has zero respect for anyone who actually cares about learning so i had to repeat a year and for the past six months i have been getting bullied in college for volunteering to repeat even though I did get the pass marks. My dad is …

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14

Maybe

  July 22nd, 2018 by raperapelemonade

Even though we cant talk to each other directly here. I feel safe here. I feel in the silence, a comradery.

I love reading the stuggles the goodbyes because i can relate so much to these entries and i just have nothing but love for you.

Even if you are a judge of me, i can relate and I’m grateful. Whatever comes… I’m just grateful for this silent hive where our honey is our words about our bloody battles of life, death, trauma, pain more than anyone else in the real world could ever handle. We can speak it here in complete truth and honesty without fear.

I’m …

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3

The Solipsist

  July 21st, 2018 by WanderingDreamer91

Introduction

Here’s a poem I made on Facebook on June 1st, when I really needed to vent. :p
(It’s a bit dark and sadomasochistic, instead of just plain masochistic, I hope that’s okay…)

Not that anyone cares, most people just ghost me…

People usually ignore me or hate me, I’m not sure if anyone is at fault when people leave me or don’t want to talk to me and I’m not sure if I should even care…

I just want to be myself… people are too different from me…

I might make a full post about myself later, but right now I’m kind …

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3

Something Needs To

  July 21st, 2018 by raperapelemonade

I told my only family member it was time for me to stop. The only person in the world who knew me. He said at least try acid once.

I dosed and became one with the Universe and all that shit. I felt something fall off my shoulders afterwards. I got an understanding of why I survived the first eleven years of my life along with him surviving the first twenty.
-We weren’t meant to survive right?

I got a hippy ass perspective on why there’s scars on my genitals that I can’t explain to a doctor.

It lasted about a month until I was drugged and raped in …

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1

What Happens After Death?

  July 21st, 2018 by LoneRed17

I’m starting to permanently make up my mind when it comes to suicide. I’ve had suicide attempts before and I’ve bounced back from depression at times, but this time it’s different. This time I can feel something pulling me towards death. It’s as if the world wants to take me back or as if death has fallen for me and it wants to take me home. I’m scared of shooting myself, I’m scared of waking up in a place full of pain and suffering despite the fact that I want to die in order to escape the daily pain I feel.

I have no idea what …

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0

It’s That Time of Year Again

  July 21st, 2018 by raperapelemonade

2nd year anniversaries are so surreal.

I dont know if it would honor you or offend you if I chose to enter light body that day. I already failed once in a way I shouldnt have failed because of your bad timing. Then you died.

This is a sign I should go with you, I feel sometimes. You said you couldn’t do this life without me, what the fuck do you expect me to do here without you.

Drugs sure help. Maybe they’ll have pity/mercy on me the way they did for you and take care of the dilemma I face daily

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2

Happy?

  July 19th, 2018 by Chanty

Happy. That’s a word I wish would visit me more often. As I sit here and write my “feelings” or whatever, I think about the “happy” moments of my life. You know, when life looked colorful and pretty.
What changed?
That’s something I would love to know.
I was never miserable. I was always smiling and I did what I was supposed to.
Maybe that’s where I went wrong, maybe I should’ve rebelled a little.
Maybe I should’ve experienced more things.
Maybe, then, I wouldn’t feel so wretched and miserable.
I keep thinking that I will run out of tears, but they just keep coming.
And you would think they would leave …

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1

My Heart Feels Heavy

  July 19th, 2018 by LoneRed17

There’s this emptiness inside of me that I can’t shake, I’ve been suicidal since I was 17. People kept telling me that it would get better, but things got progressively worse as I aged. I’m going to be 21 soon and I have no job, enough money to buy a gun and a family that will be heartbroken if I die. I’ve wanted to die for so long now, but the sadness my family would feel makes my heart weigh heavily.

I feel a constant stream of hate, shame and dispair whenever I remember my past. I’ve lived a long life of awkward situations and disappointment. …

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10

No way out

  July 18th, 2018 by TheDyingEmperor

I genuinely feel like I cannot escape misery. The source of this misery is myself, but I’m so fundamentally broken that I cannot improve.

I wanted to kill myself since I was 9. I was getting bullied, I had no friends, my mom was in a terrible shape mentally and was an incompetent parent. Dad doesn’t exist (even my mom doesn’t know who he is).

People don’t want to spend time with me. I’m not a likeable person, in fact, I’m somewhat of a dickhead actually. I’m that guy that will disagree with you just to start an intellectual debate. From my experience, people fucking hate that. …

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4

Adulthood

  July 13th, 2018 by lynndo

Tomorrow, July 14th, marks my 18th birthday.

I don’t know whether to think of it as a fresh start or a milestone, but it must be significant right?

It could be a new beginning. A new beginning to my mental health? A reset to my attempt counter? Perhaps a new beginning to my relationship with myself.

Or a milestone. For awhile I didn’t think I’d make it to graduating high school. But there I was, under that white tent, getting handed my diploma. Then I thought I wouldn’t make it out of adolescence, to my 18th birthday, 1 month later. But here I am, with only 4 hours …

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2

I try. I really do

  July 13th, 2018 by hyperballad

I’ve seen so many people, visited so many hospitals, tried so many rx combos, gotten so many different diagnoses and just none of it honestly helps and there is very little tethering me to this planet anymore and I just wish it could be in my hands to decide to let go. No matter where I go or what people say to me to convince me otherwise, I’m left feeling like a stranger on the fringes everywhere I go. I’m alone. I’m deeply unhappy no matter how much I try to change it. And I try so hard

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2

I tried to kill myself back in October

  July 12th, 2018 by izzuh

Took a bunch of immune suppressants for a disorder I have. My body basically stopped producing all white blood cells, bone marrow, potassium, you name it. I was in excruciating pain after about 15 hours and when my roommate found me she took me to the ER. Once I was admitted they gave me an anti-nausea and pain shots and it was the most blissful moment of my entire life. My roommate was furious, nurses were staring at me with sad eyes, and the doctors were telling me it would be a long and painful death, but I should be gone before the end of …

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7

Suicidal in Seattle

  July 11th, 2018 by CMxide

Unlike most here in situations that are capable of being resolved with some expertise and grit, my situation is not. I am literally dying at a faster rate than most. Yes, it is health related. I am not one to slowly wither away, I won’t run from death anymore. Death always catches up anyway. Death is the only true exit from a doomed world that thrives on misery. Life is not precious. It is a fucking nightmare.

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2

‘The Me Show’

  July 10th, 2018 by hyperballad

to start: I’m an alphabet soup of disorders. Three of those are bipolar, borderline tendencies (whatever the hell that means), and Asperger syndrome.

 

My closest support is my partner who is also financially tied to me. And I even feel her slipping through my fingers and this turning into an uncomfortable situation where we only live together because we can’t afford to live without any kind of plan which we currently don’t have and can’t foresee.

I mean. I can easily leave in a month’s time because my mother passed this June and has apparently left me a hefty inheritance. But my partner can’t. She is on …

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