Instead of Propofol I had a deadly substance in the glass. I took 2ml but screamed for 3 Hours.
I was in pain.
Instead of Propofol I had a deadly substance in the glass. I took 2ml but screamed for 3 Hours.
I was in pain.
I am a 29 year old male suffering from a soup of mental disorders and other tribulations, hence my other posts. I am unemployed, living with my parents after graduating with my electronics engineering degree. I am unable to find work, depressed, and tired. Instead of explaining my previous posts over again, I will just come to the point of how I feel now. At this moment, I am at a low no one else around me can surface. I suffer from something that I was afraid might get worse by time; I suffer from extreme self hate and body dysmorphic disorder – or as […]
Everything’s falling apart. I felt empty now. My world’s becoming darker. Gone is the girl who laughs a lot. I don’t even know now how to smile, how to say ‘Hi’ to someone. I’m starting to shut the door. No one will come in anyway. I’m not happy. I don’t even know the definition of happiness anymore.
Does it even matter anymore? honestly it never did.
I tried so hard and so hard to die but each attempt failed leaving me here. So many years wasted.
How much more shame can i build up.
I thought maybe appreciating the small things in life would lead me to a happier life. after every failed jump and drowning and overdose. After bleeding out and forced into therapy for years and years at a time. I still feel so empty inside. Nothing has helped. I just want to die but even that has proven to be useless.
So I thought dying in a different way would be more effective.
More […]
Have you ever had that feeling when you wake up you still felt Tired?
Like you just want to sleep for eternity,but you can’t because you’re afraid the nightmares will haunt you again and again…
Have you ever had the feeling when everything is just a blur now?
Like the teacher you’re listening right now sounds like static?
because you’re still tired of all those sleepless nights?
Have you ever had the feeling when what you enjoy seems a little bit dull and lifeless now?
Like reading those adventurous books and the games you play?
Most of All…
Have you ever felt like you’re on the edge?
Waiting for the right moment to explode?
Have […]
So I’d like to preface this with explaining a bit about me. I’m 17, and I’ve been extremely depressed for 3-5 years. It really started in 8th grade, and I’m about to be a senior in high school, so I guess like 4 and a half years. I love videogames, and overall I think I have a pretty good life. I’ve been in psychiatric facilities 6 times, having been hospitalized 6 times I’m pretty familiar with mental illness and I’ve helped countless people along the way. I haven’t been hospitalized in around 8 months now, and I was hoping I wouldn’t be ever again. However, […]
it’s okay that everyone turn missing for a little, for a short, for long, for ever.pretending soon or close to have born alone, to be raised alone, to learned alone and to loved alone, cried alone and married alone.
to have fucked alone, till I found myself in a lie, one of which the wreck turned to recover and inserted in this world alone that suddenly I turned insane to not been at all alone.
but all I meet, anyone there is getting me to know is fading out life.
the world is yet not close to understand, healed. corruption is raised and cultivated. any declaration destroyed and […]
Lately been thinking about possibilities of afterlife. Damn I hope religion got it all wrong. I can’t stand an eternal life promised to good christians or heaven with virgins guaranteed to true muslims.
Spookiest of all is reincarnation by bad karma. It says that if you commit suicide, you return in next life to a similar condition as past life. If you do it a second time, you return a third time and so on. Over and over again until you finally get your act right.
I need someone to prove its all bullshit, that when I die, I cease to be. Mind dissolves as brain disintegrates […]
It are happening circumstances which are questionable at all.
All of my 4 Bikes are broke, one has kicked till the Wheel can’t turn anymore.
My mother probably lost her work because I had worked little there but broke the rules.
My Dad lost an entire Nail and is pretending that it’s an old wound. Tbh I didn’t saw it anytime before in my Life.
My Granddad died when I was in a Country where Me or my relatives never had been before. As urgent it was, I’ve been kept forcefully in the Country.
My Grandmother turned psychic and died. It is as if I brought our family all this […]
I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I […]
My thoughts are so disjointed I can’t even write without losing what I’m trying to say but after all I still try anyway. Trying anyway, but trying is kind of pointless. Everyday I wake up and I try but everyone around me doesn’t understand anything I say I feel like I say so much and speaking is just sounds in anyway and words are all lies in the end. I don’t know. I get help, I got help, maybe I should get more, but I can’t get help because I can’t help myself, as I lie all the time like words are lies and I […]
The fact is no rational thought I have will be my own. It will be what I was told to say. If I say for example: “Life is worth living”, that is other people saying that. I don’t think that, I think life and people are terrible, and no one should of been born in this ball of hell.
August 21,
Today is the day where it all started.The day where my seemingly happy life started to shatter and fail miserably.Until the age of 17,I’ve only heard of depression but I’ve never experienced it.One year later,I’m heavily depressed and on the verge of suicide.It’s funny how life changes in just a matter of days.
One year of living with depression has taught me many things in life and it also taught me not to trust any Fuckin’ bastards and bitches.The pain may fade away,but you will carry the bruises until your very last breath.For a few weeks,I’ve been able to suppress my suicidal ideation for […]
School is starting soon.
I wasted my summer working to try to catch up to her.
She’s probably on vacation on some island somewhere, basking in the sun and blue waters.
I wasted my summer. On her. And she doesn’t even know.
I’m tired. Exhausted. Burnt out before I was even turned on.
I want to go back. To when I was 12 and I just wanted to die because I feared the future. Because I knew it would be bad and I would have responsibilities but I would never be enough and I would be stuck being insufficient but depended on.
And I was right.
I […]
I never got therapy like my parents said I would. I’m starting to cut (it’s not deep and looks more like scratches but I’ve never cut before). At least I stopped “drinking” antifreeze (I found out it was actually coolant because I’m so fucking stupid I can’t even hurt myself when I want too). Whenever I feel like shit I keep making plans for my suicide. So far I’ve chosen a date and time, a method, a place, and, today, my last words. I don’t know when or if I should talk to people about the root causes cause they really can’t do shit to […]
I’ve never posted here though I’ve thought about it before. Scrolling through the stories of those who seem down, heartbroken, or even suicidal… Today, I will finally post, as I once again feel misunderstood and left unheard.
I tried to kill myself Tuesday. My mind raced as I left work and went out to a spot I had pictured before, but not without stopping by my apartment for a knife that I wasn’t sure would complete the work – but at least enough to try. I had texted my therapist, who I wrote a short text, one she labelled cryptic, as my mind was made up […]
reality is boring , life is boring , it’s all about money , i hate money , i hate business , i wish i live in the movie game anime manga novel comics books
I hate reality , reality is boring !
I hate real life , real life is boring !
I hate real world , real world is boring !
I wish I live in movie / movies , I wish movies were real
I wish I live in video games , I wish games were real
I wish I live in novels , I wish novels were real
I wish I live in anime […]
Today I cut for the first time in almost one week. I thought I could do it. I thought I could be strong! I always think I’m gonna wind up able to be ok but I’m never really ok. I was mildly happy today and that’s a shock because i haven’t been even close to happy in god knows how long! I spent the day boating and drinking with friends but when I got home around 8:00 pm my depression got the best of me and I found myself with a blade in my hand cutting my thighs without remorse. I thought this would be […]
The title makes the theme pretty clear: I have buttloads of Social Anxiety, and it is a living Hell dealing with, ignoring, or confronting it on a daily, and sometimes, hourly basis. I have battled against it my whole memorable life, and I’ve had it up to here- *raises hand to tippy top of head* -with all the bullshit.
I had an amazing day today/yesterday, but all I can think about, all the thoughts I can conjure and obsess over are, “what if I fucked it up? What if the people I talked to and had coffee with in that wonderful, cozy cafe think I am […]
what does it all mean?
what’s the purpose of investing time in people & things if it could all be taken away in an instant?
People crave all the money in the world to fix their troubles yet some can’t be fixed with riches.
I wish it could all that simple, to let go of my troubles but it’s something that lives within me.
something that’s lived within me for quite some time and it’s slowly crumbling me into the gravel.
some people can fight it, others can’t, I’m trying to figure out where I fit into.
the more time passes the closer I get […]
Please log in to report posts