Even after every day you didn’t talk to me. Every day you told me you hated me. That I should leave and never come back. After every day I tried to say I was sorry for my shortcomings, and every day that you never forgave me. Every day you never apologized for your own shortcomings, for the bullying and the heartbreak, for every time I tried to share my life with you only for you to throw it back in my face. Every day you told me I looked like a whore when I put on make up when I didn’t feel confident; every day […]
Category:
Rants
The worst part about finally achieving the happiness and contentment that you’ve always dreamed of is feeling it slip through your fingers. Feeling the hand that had found purchase in salvation lose its hold and force you back over the edge. Feeling the safety harness around your waist and in your chest snap. Feeling yourself slide down the steep slope you’ve fought your way up for years. Feeling your fingernails tear and bleed as you fight for purchase on a cliff so smooth you can see the scratches you’ve made reflected in your own face. Feeling your body hit the ground so hard you’re not […]
Hi. Imma tell you guys why I said “They would never believe me.” So I’m a 13 year old girl who has been suffering for quite some time now.
It all started when I was 8 years old, I was a little chubby girl at that time and I was bullied for it. I never told anything about it to my family, I would just say that I always have a great time at school but the truth is, I was not. I mean I had friends my age but older students would pick on me, saying that I was fat, ugly, worthless, garbage, and many […]
Turned 30 couple days ago… been dreading this ‘milestone’ for awhile now. You would think my family to help soften the blow would have done something for me a party… or a cake… or $2 worth of balloons!!!
Naaaaa of course not.
Spent the last 5 days sleeping because I couldn’t deal with reality. Only now I have this itching desire to scream and run rip my hair out slice my skin burn the house down.
I feel like I’m going to explode. I am going to explode. My chest is so tight. I have so much on I can’t and don’t want to deal with it.
How […]
So, um hi. I’m not sure how to start off a post like this one, but here I go.
I’ve been having a really tough time with… everything. I have really bad anxiety in general, especially social anxiety though, and it makes it really hard to function in day to day life. I’m only 14, so I don’t have much choice in my doctor visits, medication etc. However, I went to the doctor about a week ago for a regular check and they recommended me a counselor, but I feel extremely uncomfortable talking to a stranger about my problems. I don’t even talk to my friends […]
No one listens to anyone anymore, sure they hear so that they are able to grasp a rough idea of what goes on in their environment but no one actually takes the time to truly listen. To do more than observe a situation but to try to grasp how it must be to be within that environment and try to envisage the emotions that might be evoked so as to truly understand the complexities of what goes on in the world. Nothing is just black or white, we are all contrasting shades of grey. That’s one of my biggest problems I guess, I feel as […]
I’ve been wanting to go back home since the first night i spent here. Back then i thought we’d bought a ticket for me to go back after around six months, so i wasn’t all that worried. Though my mum told me in January we got a one way ticket. I was a bit upset, but thought, “i’ll just have to get through it and then i’ll go back”. But now, going back has been written down as probably the biggest failure. There’s such high expectations that i simply cannot meet. Everyone asks me what i want to do and why didn’t i think about […]
I know my life isn’t nearly as bad as many other people’s lives and I’m lucky for a lot of what I have. I have a family that loves me (parents and siblings, I have no significant other or children or anything of that nature), I’m at a decent college, and I’ve been told I’m reasonably easy on the eyes. That said, I hate being alive. I won’t be edgy and says there’s nothing I enjoy doing, but it all feels superficial and meaningless, nothing makes me feel whole inside anymore. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even have to be actively sad […]
When I’m reading a post or blog or even a simple book, I feel the emotions like they are my own. When someone else is hurting, I hurt. When some else is sad, I’m sad. It’s difficult when you’re constantly sad and extremely emotional. I was once suicidal and these feelings are now coming back because of how destroyed the world is and how many are in such pain from bad government decisions, killers, rapists, family members dying, etc.. I feel as if the world won’t be able to heal itself anymore and I have nothing to look forward to in my future life. Not […]
This morning I managed to just let go of holding on. I let gravity take me down. Bc i have so sick recently, it was super easy for em to just not hold on the railing going down the stairs this morning and just fall. I just vaigly remember letting go and feel the steps fall out from under my feet. It wasn’t scary, or worrying. I just wished that instead of having to get up after, I would just be able to end there. I had to get up… and now I have a dislocated and fractured right elbow that needs surgery this week. […]
When no one knows who you are and you write about wanting to die, people react quickly. They tell you to stay strong and give you tips that may actually help you. They talk to you and say they support you. Behind the mask of the internet, you can say anything and no one will know you.
When someone knows who you are, everything changes. You’re not dad’s precious little girl anymore. You’re not mom’s light of happiness. You’re not the emotional support for people who depend on you to stay sane, that trust in you to hold them when they have panic attacks or listen […]
Do you know what it feels like to have the last person you would say goodbye to if you killed yourself tell you that you’re a terrible fucking person? I’ll tell you what it feels like. It feels like your chest caving in on itself, your throat being torn out by the vocal cords, and your heart being crushed under the weight of unspoken words. It feels like fresh makeup running in lines down your face and like each heartbeat is a damnation, an act of sin. It feels like dying in the worst possible way and makes the noose you tied from your […]
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
by niki
written by niki
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi […]
It really comes as no surprises.
But I hate life in general.
Had the great moments, had friends, I guess
Then I made everything worse. I practically ruined everything.
So why blame life, right?
Well, life. Why did you give me the chance to do it in the first place?
Why made me, so that I would hurt others.
Why made me, do you want me, who is going to die anyway. WE ALL DO. You want me to do what? Live?
I want to know why
Why you do all of this.
Why do you care
Why did you allow me into this.
I kinda know there is no omnipotence god out there, […]
Why do some say its love or death?
If there is another option then go for it;
for me there is just death.
Its not a an if its a when.
Honestly, ive tried before,
people who know tell me its a miracle.
To me its a curse,
It feels inescapable
Ive heard stories,
people who are glad they failed,
To me it feels like I can’t even do it right.
I will succeed next time.
I don’t care when
Loose ends don’t matter to dead people.
I know that this sounds strange and I don´t know how to completely explain this, but I have to get it off my mind. So I am not a normal person when it comes to fearing things, my deepest fear is myself. The reason I fear myself is because I hide from my dark side. So I try to keep myself active in things and to keep myself from relaxing, because if I do I think about things and I start thinking about depression and suicide. And this happens a lot. I also fear myself because I am capable to commit suicide, meaning that I […]
One.
For the sadness that lies deep in my heart,
And for the freedom that’s about to start.
Two.
For the hurt I’ve felt for 6 long years,
And for those long nights filled with tears.
Three.
For the emptiness I always feel,
And for my soul that will never heal.
Four.
For the broken smile I always fake,
And for my joy that always seems to break.
Five.
For a life I no longer want to live in,
And for death to take over and win.
Twenty.
For my last breath I will ever take,
And for my eyes to close and never to wake.
– A.B
Just a little background information: The countdown are not seconds, or time in general.
All this stress from not wanting to be alive anymore, to fake friends , no real emotional support, my rape, my rape case going up into smoke and having to still continue living when my suicide attempt wasn’t successful has been weighing me down the whole year. Today for two minutes I find some kind of solace, or peace that felt was the closest thing to feeling celestial I could achieve (considering I don’t believe in God, heaven or hell). Then I find out then I’m about to flunk out of school and that numbing misery is re-injected into my soul to disinfect the small […]
I wish I lived somewhere better. I envy people who get to live in good countries like USA and UK. I can’t concentrate on anything and I cry during nights about the country I live in. This hit me really hard this year and keeps getting worse as time goes on.
To be frank, that is what I am, very, very, inconceivably tired. In all honesty, I just want it to end already. I am but two decades old and yet I feel a hundred and maybe a half! Every year my mind seems to age by four years! I’m so worn out with all the mental distress that I just want to scream.
On top of that, I feel trapped in a festering hole in life and nobody seems to want to point me in the right direction to try and find my way. Those who do are shoved out of the way by those I […]