This is a video I thought was ummm inspirational idk the word to describe this video doesn’t exist
if you do watch this tell me ur thoughts
its been over a year since i last used this site. things havent been easy, but theyve been getting better, if only slightly. the 2017 new year made me feel so much more at ease with who i was, and though all of 2017 was a bit of a mess, i managed to not kill myself. i’m doing better, even if it is only by a small margin. i found some friends who have similar issues, and i feel really comfortable around them. i havent dumped my semi-asshole boyfriend, cause we’re only going to be seeing eachother for another few months before we graduate, at which point we’ll be going our separate ways.
i think once i graduate ill be free of a lot of stress related to this place, at least i hope so. i just need to make it through this year, and i’ll be okay.
i can do this.
Aged 9. Started self harming.
Aged 10. Tried to throw myself out of the window (several times).
Aged 11. Couldn’t understand why I was the way I was. What was wrong with me.
Aged 12. Distractions. Life. I wasn’t any better, but things kept moving.
Aged 13. Minor improvements. Self acceptance.
Aged 14. Good. Not great, but good. Acceptance. Progress. Self medicating through reading.
and life continued much the same until last year. Not good. Not bad. Clear head at least.
I met someone. We’ll call him Oscar. Or O.
He was amazing. A recovering alcoholic, who’d been driven to drink by the desire to die. But who’d recovered through strength and perseverance and a willingness to admit his faults. 7 years sober this year. But that’s not who he is. He’s a musician, a teacher, a reader, a cook… multitalented, and oh so fascinating. Would it be too old fashioned, to cliche and corny, to say he wooed me with tales of travels to israel, of finding peace in an old turkish man trying to sell him baklava… or of rock climbing and parkour, of multilingualism and multi instrumentalism? O was my tender man, my open arms and my shoulder to lean on, my wild recklessness and my midnight musings. I was, and am still, completely enamoured.
I’d rather not tell the story of exactly why it is that I can’t see or talk to him, but know that I can’t, and there is no way around that.
I was not destroyed by his absence, but my guilt over his absence. It ate away at me. Whispers crept in, filling my void, filling me with nervousness. Useless, disgusting, shameful, unwanted, hated, ignored… etc etc. I knew these feelings like old friends. And the trouble is, it’s easy to give into your demons when they’ve always got your back. My demons always held me when life seemed dark, and their familiar touch seemed almost comforting.
Then descended the not-feeling. The horrible horrible numbness. The Bell Jar. A pane of glass between myself and the outer world, the colour, the light, the vibrance and emotion. I lived in the shadows. I hid myself away, sometimes barely made it out of bed. All day crying, or feeling nothing, or crying because I felt nothing. All night sitting in the dark, trying to find some comfort in the silence, wishing I’d recieve a message saying he cared. Stupid woman, you might think, falling apart over a man’s words. But it wasn’t just that. I wanted to feel validated. I wanted to know that if I did walk dangerously close to a high ledge, someone would want to stop me.
And boy did I loiter in some high places. It’s partly a claustrophobia thing. Sometimes I’m panicking, and the walls seem to close in, and the air feels like concrete, and i have to sit on my open window frame, up in the roof, breathing and enjoying the height. It’s also partly a possibility thing. Top level of a car park, roof of a high building.. being inches away from a long drop made me feel alive, comforted me in the knowledge that ending it all was always a very real possibility, that I could control that.
I wouldn’t call my fascination with heights healthy at all, but it’s not killed me yet. And though I strayed close, though I felt dead inside, there was never any true intent this time round.
Alongside this, is my self harm. I’m not proud of it. Nobody knows about it except my closet friend, Oscar, and now anyone who reads it here. I pick. Attack areas of my skin, ripping it to shreds until it’s a bleeding mess. Then I focus on somewhere else. When the original area is half healed, I go back to that. My face, back, arms, chest, thighs…
and of course this too is a cycle. The jumping thoughts calm moments of panic, and this does too. It generally goes like this: I feel like shit; walking past a mirror, or rolling my sleeves up, whatever, I notice a patch; mentally, I say ‘just one’ and my fingers totally ruin that one pore. The problem is, after one, there’s no stopping. Next thing you know, 3 hours have passed and your hands are stained with your own blood. Then there’s clean up. Disinfecting, cleaning, and hating self even more for the destruction caused. And the hate causes you to seek the temporary relief, the mindlessness and total absorption in picking. It fills the void and yet quiets the brain.
That doesn’t last.
I am not here because I want to die. I am here because I used to want to, and the thought comforts me still. I can plan my hanging, but that doesn’t mean I want to go through with it right now.
Right now, I am thankful for life. I am thankful for my Oscar, who exists, though he cannot talk right now. I am hopeful for the future, and the changes it may bring. I am relieved that i can feel.
My skin is bleeding, my hands hurt, my shoulders are cramped from staying in awkard positions too long. I’m filled with regret for destroying myself, I’m filled with longing to fall out of the window next to me, just to see what it feels like, what death is, maybe to see if it is better than my now, but I’m also filled with gratefulness that I can think these things. That I can contemplate suicide freely, without true intention.
I’m terrified for tomorrow. I’ll be a total mess. I don’t want life to keep moving. I want to fall into O’s arms and stay there for half an hour, feeling safe. I want to feel safe.
I feel monumentally fucked up inside. I’m happy but sad, energetic but listless, peaceful yet frantic… and I don’t know anything anymore. I know who I am. I know tomorrow will make me want to vomit and do something rash. I know I have to overcome that. And I know each small painful step leads me closer to reunion. I’m terrified of the future, yet I long for it.
I remember the psychiatric wards.
I remember the ice cold floors in the morning, and walking barefoot to the unlockable bathrooms to take a piss. Rolling out of the beds in a drugged daze for the nurse to take my vitals.
”How are you feeling this morning?”
I remember the series of emotions that flow through me as I process my situation again- for the 5th day in a row:
How long am I going to be here for?
Oh God, I can’t believe I’m (back) here. How the hell do I explain this to everyone? Am I crazy? Does anyone even know I’m in here?
This isn’t so bad, right? I’m fed, I can do almost whatever I want. I mean I can’t walk outside, but that’s cool… it’s raining outside anyways.
I remember everyone I’ve met during my stays in the ward. Every beautiful, beaten soul. I remember the fear I felt the first day. The fear that I might be attacked by someone there who was so far gone, they wouldn’t have been able to help themselves. But once I introduced myself, I would be overcome by their kindness and frailty.
There was no judgement, no hostility. It didn’t matter if you were male or female, young or old. Everyone had their issue, but was comforted by all others.
I remember the older patients, who acted like mentors during my stay, when I was young and alone. Their stories saddened me, and I remember the pain in their eyes. When I got older, and thrown back into a ward, I remember the younger patients, looking just as confused as I was the first time. I cracked jokes to ease their tension.
I remember the bonds we all formed as we fought our demons. In that short amount of timed, we relied on each other to stay sane- even though we were pretty much insane.
I remember leaving each time, wishing everyone else the best. Hoping to dear God, that they would hang on and be okay.
Hey, good day for all of you.
This will be my last post
, because I have changed, and I’m quit-ing this site.
For those who didn’t follow my posts, or read the last posts of mine, I wanted to wake up today, fearless and with out feelings.
Fully honest with all of you strangers: for the last days I have been fighting in my mind, over the control of this body. As if I fought with my “anxiety” persona, which fears failures. Today I guess my other persona won, because I’m fearless. I’m focused on what I want and when I want it.
I’m just a kid, I know it. But even as a grown kid, I have let fear push me back. I have feared taking second chances.
It is over now. I have gotten pushed over the sides into the no return part. I’m going to keep low level my psychopath persona. I’m going to be focused on my prey, but my prey will be something good this time. I will focus on “preying” the tests and doing my best at the university.
I don’t care no more of how hard this is going to be, and I don’t give a fuck about what I felt, or how was my childhood. That is just some shit pushing me back.
I know how to deal with the financial problems, I know how to deal with the homeworks. So why I have to be so low passioned about it?
I hope you guys will go through it. I know you guys dont have an easy way out.
I wish you could have lost your feelings one time. I guess it only happens to who is abused at early age lol haha .
wish you the best, be brave and keep your hands together. Because together you stand, and alone you fall down.
If you read up to here and believe others should read it , you can comment. I won’t reply because I’m not going back to this. If others will see comments, they will go inside to read it too.
ps; I wish I could have been your friend, I wish I could have been your guide. I think I can do great at those jobs, but sadly I don’t live next to you people and don’t really have time for it.
All I can say to you people – stay fear less
I’ve been told by a psychologist, that my “inner sensitive /feeling persona” is being held chained and at a close space inside my mind. He also stated that I’m good at dividing between having this horrible pains due sickness, and between fully functioning at my life and doing the best I can. He explained that my feeling persona gets to the conscious only when it has strength, and that happens when it is mad, or which when I’m mad.
He said that right after the pain stops, I totally repressive it from my consciousness, and I do it for other hard events in my life. And this defense mechanism allows me to succeed and live but it is also cause a lot of damage to me as further as I go and keep using it.
Personally I feel lonely. Im surrounded by “friends” who likes me, but I feel so solely on this battle with financial crisis and health problems. I don’t share with them my story and I keep everything to my self.
My mom needs someone to help her and I do the best for it but it is not really enough. Although she appreciate my help, I know it is not enough.
I only have left 3.2 more years until my graduation.
We both know that after that, I’ll be able to fix every financial problem we have, and will be able to help my mom with fixing the house, and giving her the opportunity to work less and feel less stressed.
My mind is falling apart by now. I have none to talk to. I have to talk, so I’m talking to myself most of the time. I get really lonely almost every day.
I’m fighting my chronic illness, I’m trying to be the best student, I’m trying to be the best son. but I’m just not good enough.
Please, let me know I’ll make it through thiese 3 years.
I know it is funny for you guys, but for me it matters a lot to know that some one out there around the world, actually believes I can make it.
I also wanna show my dad that he lost a great son when he left me with all the financial problems and didn’t help my mom to raise me.
anyway. stay strong be brave, your friend, Jac.
FUCK YOU TOO.
No , I never really bothered to look for you,
It was all I had from the start
Just a few rocks in hand, and a real big heart.
I cared so much for others, but missed the whole idea of them being there for me.
Maybe it was me,
Or they just didn’t care for it.
But in the end, there is all I have had,
Mom is down, and my hands are bared.
Perhaps I should have outsmarting it ?
Age 5 is great for a start
Get ready before anyone knows you,
Be prepared to defend yourself,
Learn how to make it though
Before they get you too.
I wish I had known my future but it is for me to learn the way and choose he paths.
I FUCKING WANT THIS
I want to make it to the end! I WANT TO SUCCEED TOO BECAUSE I DESERVE.
I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t abuse, I didn’t bullied, I didn’t attack. But I WAS UNDER ATTACK.
So? I need to be the victim here? I don’t and will never myself as a victim. I’m a fucking fighter, and those assholes would pay for it.
I’m talking about my dad too, I’m gonna hit him back when I’ll have the chance.
I will make every dream of mine into a reality. I will finish this degree with the best scores. I will be the better person on this earth and help others. BECAUSE THEY DESERVE TOO!
Fuck this shitty world.
One day I will have the upper hand. For now it is just for me to count days passing by.
Be brave, be strong, envy what you want and don’t stop fighting.
Pain is temporary….. Get it out of your head. Make them pay!! MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID!
Well ,since I’m back here . It’s either good news or bad news . Not like anyone I know irl reads this . But I gotta just say . I am thankful for you guys (both my irl friends and sp friends ) thank you for being there and supportive and enable me to go through this tough time.
This isn’t what I called a faked positivity post that’s trying hard to lighten up the atmosphere here .
Honestly ,I am scared of the future and what my past can hold me back . I keep feeling this and that ,keep thinking about what others opinions of me are . Which won’t matter to me in the Long term .
Well as 2017 comes to an end , perhaps life will treat you guys better and know that someone out there cares and needs you 🙂
Hello guys! I haven’t used this website in 2 years and seeing my older posts are quite a strange experience. I came here in 2014 because isolation and depression pushed me to the edge, rock bottom, or whatever. Started feeling depressed 10 years ago! It’s my Sadniversary and I thew up my birthday cake. My birthday was wednesday and I had a violent indigestion, because why the hell not. Well this feeling persists, yet again. The reason I’m here today is because even if I do feel this pain, this need to die, this very heavy weight of self shame and being worthless, it is not the same as it used to be. I wish my story could light some hope for all of you who will read this. Because sometimes things do get better, and when depression comes back, and it does, you don’t feel as hopeless as before.
During 2015 I had the incredible chance to find an app that connected me on the phone with a Listener who had a minimum of experience in psychology. I fucking hated the thought of a helpline and honestly believed I would never do that. Life events made it such that I ended up having multiple panick attacks and I found out that talking to someone was very helpful. The service was free and I became known over there by the staff as I would call very randomly and increasingly often so I knew everybody. I always thought phone lines were so cold and empty, I would think ” the only reason you talk to me like you care is because that’s what you’re paid for” ( they weren’t volunteers). But I went for it! At first I had to go through a lot of awkward first talks but time passed and the more I got the same person frequently the more we could connect. I would have never ever expected them to share their personal stories with me the way they did and without me asking for it. They felt simply comfortable, it was like a dream to even think it could happen. I braved my social anxiety, my phobia of phone calls and to speak english outloud (Not my first langage). Plus, we couldn’t juge eachother based on anything superficial, only words. I slowly got to build very real , deep and bonding relationships with people who totally didn’t have to, but wanted to. They were so genuinely interested in my story that they saved my life. It took me a whole year of calling sometimes 3 times a day or skip a few days. A whole year to break this certitude that I was unlovable. That I was a pain to be around, that I wasn’t interesting. But I realised that in the past I was mainly surrounded by toxic parents, a toxic narcissist “best friend” who would belittle me as much as possible and other kids my age. I felt like an outcast because I was very observant and analytic so I understood many things people were unaware of. I was too mature for people my age, but too young to be taken seriously by adults. But this time, it wasn’t a case of superiority, of prouving one’s self. I layed out who I was in all sincerity, I wasn’t looking to hide my imperfection or make them like me. Because this is what I used to do constantly trying to change me to fit what people wanted so I felt included. But for once in my life time my difference was celebrated by people I really admired. Unfortunately the free service was unsustainable and they had to shut down. The thing is that they are strictly forbidden for legal reasons to keep in touch with me. So all at once I had to lose about 10 people that were the most significant people I have ever encountered. One of them, Paul, has been a mentor, a guide, and a friend to me. He touched me in a way I can’t explain with his own life and struggle that he gave me the strenght to try and get better. and I slowly gained back some mental energy to be able to face the unbearable and look at who I was, stripped from all mental blockage and just see the perfect imperfection we all are. I recorded our last calls and some were crying, telling me they’ll miss me, or that I have inspired them to make changes in their life as well. To know that I have possitively impacted someone who gave me so much is a though I will cheering forever. Finding them gave me hope, opened my mind to new things and to look out for synchronicities and to live in line with who YOU are. To have the strenght to put my feet down and be able to really believe that I have as much right to be myself than all of you and that if it makes you unhappy because you cannot face your own self, then I decide to not carry your judgment in me. I had never encountered my personnality without depression, and at 20 years old I had to start undoing the wrongs and to let go of pain I held inside of me, that I nurtured so bad because i had nobody. I still find myself in this situation today, but now I have hope. This thing was so unexpected in my life of utter bullshit prior to this and I just wanna say that things like this could happen to you to. Maybe the next thing that will change your life is right around the corner but you can’t look at past experiences to determine the hopes of something to happen. The futur doesn’t work like that. I overcame my shadow and now I have to continue to work had to not let my mind slip. I have eternal grattitude for this. And none of this would have happened if I stuck to my belief that helplines were useless. Try things that make you do something new that you are afraid and vulnerable. Do it anyway. This will help you so much to get out of patterns.
I wish you all the best. You are a being who is equally important however you feel
Previously: The seventh
I don’t like happy endings. I don’t like sad endings. I don’t like endings!
I feel terrible when I am at the last few pages of a book or in the last few episodes of a series, especially those whose characters I can relate to or whose stories I wish I could have lived. Close to the end I have to face the fact it’s all fiction, the product of someone else’s mind, that the characters and their stories will forever end with a period or with the credits and everything will vanish — OK, there might be sequels, but at that moment it is an end nevertheless — And when I finally finish the story, if feels like death.
That’s probably one of the main reasons I don’t kill myself. It’s true that many times I want my story to finish, many times I want to get to the end already, but the problem is that the very idea of an end is something that I despise! I don’t want stories to end, I want to know what happens next, and next, and next — I want them to go on forever!
On the other hand, I can perfectly see that life is meaningless. If you are a good or bad person, rich or poor, smart or stupid, happy or unhappy; if you live for 10, 20, 40, 80 years, whatever, it all disappears, it all ends, just like the story of a book — it may have some importance for those who are still alive, but their memories of you is not really you, and well, they will disappear too anyway…
But I realized something: it’s exactly by being meaningless that life allows itself to be worth living. If it doesn’t matter what you do, and if it doesn’t matter if you live or not, any decision you take, to live or to die, is equally reasonable. For instance, you may decide to die exactly because you know life is meaningless and there is no point in doing anything — fine, that’s totally reasonable and understandable, and I just won’t say “rest in peace” because it is not a rest, it is the end of your existence — or you may decide to live simply because you want to see the story: you have been given body, mind, conscience, senses, and you’ve been equipped with these crazy little things called emotions that make living such a crazy experience — meaningless like fiction, but yet quite interesting for our species.
We are free to create purposes for life. The lack of meaning in it doesn’t imply that we all should simply rush to death, the same way we don’t need to ignore fiction just because it is not real. The chance we are given to live is meaningless indeed, but we are allowed to experience all kinds of things with our body and mind, especially emotions. Meaningless pleasure, meaningless pain, meaningless joy, meaningless sadness — meaningless, but real; meaningless, but we feel.
Hanging around to live this story doesn’t give life a meaning, but it is a good enough reason for not rushing to the inevitable last page of our lives.
One important thing that follows from all this is that life will only be worth for you if you are living it the way you want, not the way others expect you to live. If you live it according to someone else’s will, you’re not living your story, you’re just being a supporting character or an extra on somebody else’s story. You shouldn’t let it happen. What’s the point of living a meaningless life if you can’t at least live it according to your own will? You could even argue that it makes no difference, as life lacks real meaning and purpose, but what about your feelings? Your emotions? They are real, and as long as you live, they will mean everything to you.
Life is meaningless, living is not.
— Ultimately, that’s why I didn’t jump from the bridge three years ago. That’s also why I didn’t kill myself after my two last failed attempts to succeed in life. And that’s how I finally got the courage for a last attempt at life, a radical attempt to give my story a chance of an ending that at least is a happy one…
Why is the lust of life so attracting? What do I get out of it? I get nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Any reasonable person would give it up at the first sight of awareness towards it. It is a useless time waster and suffering giver. When it gets too much I leave it and follow some of the practices i learned and which i trust. they always help me. they have so much truth in them, they are very much reasonable and i have substantial reason and evidence to follow them. i start feeling good and start improving. but after a day or two, its, this lust’s, persistence comes back. why do i give in? how can it win without a single reason backing it up?? human life is a joke i tell you. we act all reasonable on the outside but we are driven by unknown things. reason is an illusion. self is an illusion. “I” am an illusion. I have no substantial existence. Any effort towards anything is ludicrous. These random desires and emotions keep firing and i’m like a ping pong ball between them. sometimes i think the only single, the sole reason of my existence, the thing for which “i” was created, is to suffer. that’s the sole purpose i fulfill here.it makes sense. [Theory mode on] when there is resistance there is friction. when two things rub against each other in a rough way, they create friction which can be seen as their suffering. it is a manifestation of their rubbing and that resistance. similarly when in our mind things clash, when there is resistance it manifests itself as suffering. that suffering is me. i’m a by-product. out of the two clashing things one had to be chosen. it gets chosen through a complex mechanism comprising past experiences and environment knowledge. or maybe it is chosen based on which one rub harder during clash. this mechanism manifests itself as I, it points towards an I. And Behold! I am there. I’m by-product, an after-effect of the choice/decision/clash.
What can be done? Nothing can be done. seeing is salvation. I wish the day comes when I see.
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
I’m in the make or break position. I can go back to “their way”. or I can keep trudging on mine. Any sane person would take theirs hands down. There are millions of students preparing years after years for the jobs i left. If I had a clear mind in the beginning i would’ve saved seats for at least 2 of them. Why do I hate society so much? Social structures are dead and i just cannot endure being bound. I have zero problem in the specifics. if a ‘social person’ comes specifically to me to talk about a specific thing i would have zero hesitation in speaking to him. these jobs are child’s play. it’s the sugar coating i hate, its the meaningless compulsory morning greetings i hate, its the beginning and ending of conversation which for them is the easiest part but for me is the hardest. Above all, it’s the web of societal structure and societal rituals/ideas that’s filled in their mind to brim. It makes them so dead for me. They can’t hear, they can’t listen my voice as long as their mind is jammed in it. and it is very rusty. i’m a soft spoken person. i can’t bang in their ears or speak in authoritative voice to make them understand (for some reason they understand very easily that way.) They aren’t worth it anyway. If a person can’t understand reasoning or ethics and the only way to get the thing in his head is to either make him fear or to show him some selfish benefit then there is no point.
I still feel bad for leaving my parents, even though they did so much wrong to me. That’s what culture does to you. western people will not understand it. but then i never feel bad for not having a partner or never kissing a girl or things like that while i see so many posts here with this being the central reason of their depression. That’s what culture does to you.
It’s been nearly 5 years since you crawled into that basement expecting to die.
You’re 26 now (an age you swore you’d never see). You’ve met some cool new people over the past 5 years. You graduated college, got a job, and moved into your own apartment. You adopted a cat, and she’s become your best friend. You’re off all those meds now, and you feel stable, comfortable even. You haven’t self-harmed in 3 years. Your parents are finally proud of you.
You’re still lonely (and getting lonelier with each passing year). You’ve lost some old friends, due to distance or death. You had a mental breakdown and had to withdraw from a Master’s program. You’ve yet to have a long-lasting relationship, and are still terrified of opening up to other people. You haven’t gone to the beach or pool in years due to the scars covering your shoulders. Your sister’s earlier episodes have manifested into full-blown schizophrenia, though she refuses to admit it let alone seek treatment, which is putting an awful strain on your parents.
There are still weeks, even months, that dysthymia and depression cloud nearly every waking moment. They’re old ghosts that will likely haunt you ’til your end.
But there are also weeks, and yes, even months, that the Sun shines through, and you’re happy. And you’re happy. You’re happy. Happy. Five years ago, that was a word that only existed in seemingly foreign, nearly forgotten memories.
You still have ghosts in your past and monsters in your present. But your heart is a fist that continues to beat, to fight, to live.
You lived, and I am so fucking proud of you.
My father was holding me back in life and I hadn’t realized this until now that i moved out. I feel happier these days, happier than I’ve ever felt in a while. My insecurities are quickly vanishing within a matter of weeks. I had forgotten how social the real me was. Surprisingly I’m quite impressive with the ladies. I can sleep better too.
My fathers’ anger has empowered me to take a leap of faith into unknown territory but to my surprise I’m doing just fine living in an apartment by myself….more than fine…I feel awesome!! I will sacrifice a mansion for a healthy mind any day. I don’t want his money, i just want to be me again. And i want him to heal for his own good. However i will say I’m surprised how much i miss him despite all the physical and emotional abuse I’ve experienced from him and despite how much he’s abused my brothers and my mom in the past. Its unconditional love i suppose. I still believe there’s more good in him than evil. My mom could never forgive him. She’s even told me that he will burn in hell once he’s gone. I understand where that hate comes from but i can sense a conflict in him. He’s shown signs of his better self before and the abuse is starting to happen less in that household. He is just lost, and super stressed. I wont give up on him, that’s why I’ve given myself space from him. I don’t know why he’s so angry all the time but I wanna help him. One less mouth to feed should ease his stress some. I wish my father could open up to me about his trauma. I’m sure its something in his past that’s clouding his mind with anger.
I know a lot of people may choose to ignore this, if so, i hope you skip breakfast the next day (kidding). However, im hoping that there is one person, just one, who hears me out. Im not asking for a reply, though feel free to do so if you wish. I think i’ve blabbered enough, so let me get to the point:
Im losing my mind.
Every depression help center i go to, or any article i see, i see in bold:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, IT WILL GET BETTER. HELP IS EVERYWHERE.
I wish i could believe the nice people down at ‘the guardian’, but frankly i don’t see it getting any better, nor do i see anyone trying to help me. So, i’m going to do what not many people do, i’m going to ask. I just need one person, to reply, or leave a kind message. I honestly want a friend, but i know by now that its too much to ask for, so im just gonna ask for this one small thing. It could be a friendly “hi”, or a quote or a book reccomendation, or something—ANYTHING— that can help me. I’m not gonna beg, but i need this, desperately. So, please, don’t ignore me, god knows too many people do that already. And i know i said in the first paragraph that i didn’t want a reply, well, i dont—not really. I just want an acknowledgement, so maybe if someone does read this, a simple “Read” would help. I don’t know, i’m just looking to be heard.
I will make it. I’m having a lot of problems, but for the first time, I’m able, capable and willing even of feeling the will to be alive. I want to live for once and I already see the difference in so many of my actions. I fear my roommates are injecting me with steroids at night. I fear the problem was low T the whole time. But I am getting checked for that specific reason. 🙂
I know I can do this. I don’t know how or why I think I was actually hacked, and people were harrasing online. These people are now calling me a liar and a whole lot of things. They’re upset because I tested to see if it was them, and unfortunately it was. I’m not hurt, nor sorry nor should you. I must say I didn’t mean to hurt or offend anyone. A lot of the stuff I come here and type is very emotionally driven and from how I think right now is at least somewhat or completely VICTIMIZED.
I want to be the best, but I’m not even good and that’s ok. Gotta start somewhere. I know how to do it, but I feel like I’ve burned so many bridges with my idiocy. I want to become a contributing member of society. I want new better faster neurological connections. I want to be smart and wise. I want to be amazing. Make Carlos Pejuan again!!!! I meant great lol.
For anyone who may be experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help and wait it out. <3 I'm glad I did. Even if it set me back, I'm glad I did. I understand if you choose to end yours. For I one was planning on doing the same. Thanks to everyone who came in here and supported a complete steamed expecting NOTHING in return. Whether you know me personally or not, thank you. I'm still gonna post, for I now have a lot of problems that I didn't know I had, and one of them is a lack of friends, and communication. But overall I will update this blog. I'd post videos, mainly because I don't like YouTube. It's so political and capitalistic now, where'd all the fun go to? But, I don't want anyone to see who I am and find me, or anything along those lines. I hope all is well. Again thank you, the suicide project worked. Watch me come in here in a day talking about I lost my job and I want to kill myself lol. Regardless if what happens, at This moment, at this point in time I'm alive, Hacked, struggling, surviving. And I'm sure as hell living.
PS. I'm going to have a hard time explaining this to my dad in a week but it's ok. At least I'll finally address my issues. <3
-introduction – This is my last post here, not suicidal though.
I believe I have completed a shift from the young boy I was 4 years ago, to the man I am.
I wanted to share some experiences and conclusions of my travel through agony, happiness, loss, and faith. I wanted to give you other users, the tools I learned, from others.
This shall be a post with my final words to this community.
I have completely ditched social media, removed my accounts from internet sites, stopped playing video games, focused on my own personality, and my family’s health state.
Today I accomplish to sustain a normal life. Although seemingly lonely, they are truly happy and honest life.
I am busy at studying and working – life doesn’t have to be full of “going out/traveling/playing” experiences. Life has to have a meaning, and thus meaning adds to your life, through hard work, lust, need, and fights.
Few advices : I have left social media – it is a lonely place. Now I have a reason to ask for numbers since I want to keep a connection up 😉 .
I have filtered friends by writing down “what a true friend is for me and who deserve that adjective”.
I don’t longer jump to relationship due to compromising and pressure, I’m waiting for the right time to come.
I am spending my spare time and relaxing down (can be with workout/tv/friends etc) or by reading/learning/playing guitar.
I am keeping a healthy diet – I don’t restrict myself, or force myself, and nor harming myself for not following the diet.
When I have a test, I’m studying as for long as I can, and studying the only way I know it is good for me. Listening to my mind.
I’m trying to be a better person to my friends: more supportive, friendly, helpful, listening. Sometimes the knowledge to say “good for you/happy for you” is important for friendships.
We will soon start a new year, so I want to share with you my goals. I’m not waiting for the 1.1.18 to follow my dreams, I’m doing it today.
I shall work to be more happy, smile more – it will make me feel better+ it is more attractive haha.
I will try to be more friendly, and gain more connections of people I care about – not letting off the opportunity to be friends
I will strive for succeeding my engineering studies.
I will transmit more energy to doing useful/coefficients deeds.
I know that the fact I have been caging [ AKA COMFORT ZONE] myself all those years, due to need of making things simpler , has damaged me.
I can blame it on many things/people or even own physical health state. But even if it seems justifying, it is not.
I really didn’t had it easy in life. I cried alot, felt bad, my health isn’t and wasn’t good , but my mind was always fighting.
If you want something, you can earn it. If you want to gain freedom, you can make it.
But you have to make a plan. Not everything is achievable -> any stare has its own cons.
PLEASE don’t do what I did. I used to focus on other’s life . I used to think “argh I wish I was Alex”… ” I wish I was born over the seas” ….
But then I found out that others have their own problems. You might know how to deal with it, but they aren’t. Same goes for you and me, we have problems that we yet learnt how to deal with them.
Growing up/leaving through today’s society is not easy.
Please don’t follow others to the social media/photos/money showing trends.
If you read up to here, I wanted to share I have been suicidal, but it was different than usual.
I was dead inside. I walked for about 10 years with my mind down the drain. I felt I was psychopath – not feeling love, not caring, abusing animals – actually enjoying it, really angry, could murder people and animals but didn’t get the chance to.
I probably was doomed to hospitalization. But something changed, I can’t remember even what, somehow I got back to being normal, and managed to direct my anger toward motivation.
here are my advices for a better life:
– leave social media
– mark down your difficulties
– write a plan to cope with those
– go out more than once a week.
– do something sport-sly related
– share your thoughts and feelings, bad or good
– mark down friends, and not real friends
– know everything is temporary/ seasonally (ex: friends, spouses, hobbies, studies, leaving with parents etc…)
– if you need a treatment, go get one, and check once a while with few other sources that you are getting the right one! (ex: physical treatment, mental one, studying related… etc)
– procrastination: gradually set goals, and achieve them. start from the easiest level, go up. if you fall, redo it from the start. It will give you self esteem and feeling of sustaining. and other things….
– sleep problems: Find causes(even few), for stress – breathing, eating right, sport. for other: medications, bearthin…same….
– waking up late: gradually wake up each time earlier than before.
– keeping work place/ social place: learn to deal with other’s needs. this is a tough life lessons, you are not alone. Make friendships it is a must, and it will help you. Go see help (aka professional) to teach you social skills [ fits for autistic]
– save money (money is not a goal, but a mean. it is always important and good to have)
– talk to your self : many times you are the best person to help. Talking out loud helps relaxing. almost instantly.
– be honest and brave , if some one bothers you tell him to stop. tell him you don’t like it.
– find your inner voice: go out and play, go online and study new things, go to new fields, find new hobbies, test many different activities.
-lonely treatment: join chat rooms, go online, go to a community center and join to few trips/ what ever.
eventually : write down to yourself a goal or what you lack in life.
Then, write how do you want or think you can achieve it – do some online search.
Go by your means and try to catch that goal.
Nothing in this life is easy. Each day can be a freaking struggle. But remember everything is a finite, if you want or not, you eventually die. SO GOES FOR YOUR PROBLEMS. so goes for leaving with parents, especially important if they are abusing you – IT WILL HAVE AN END.
Mark my words, even if there are 1094 of them 🙁 .
I will give this post a 7 days check up, to answer questions- give advices – say thank you – hear from you – etc….
after that I’m saying good bye.
Notify that I was not born and am not with a golden spoon.
Life, atleast mine, was and is a piece of shit.
The only reason that I’m fighting for something is because I BELIEVE I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
Anyway: Stay strong, be brave,