For those who have passed on.
Im so glad I found a place where I could release all of my thoughts , and not be forced to just let keep things inside. I’m 24 years old, I have 1 kid. I lived alone once upon a time, work a ft job while my son attends Daycare. The father isn’t in the picture . Now, my mother has moved in and I also have a boyfriend that lives with me. Before they moved in I felt sad, alone and depressed, which is why I agreed to have them here. Now I feel even more alone, down, lost and depressed. I feel like […]
As I’m typing this I feel like having a meltdown at work. Every call, every person that I talk to gets me angry. I feel like taking my fist to a wall. I’ve become very moody and violent as of late because of family and friends. They don’t listen and my friends either replace me with someone else or obsess the fuck over my sister. I feel unwanted and I want to run from it. Hanging out with my shit ass friend didn’t help me becaus he just kept trying to get my sisters attention as I tried to make a conversation with him. Everyone […]
Nobody wants me to go but nobody is trying to make things better. Since ive been hospitalized ive become single, friendless, and my family moved out of the country. Im so painfully alone i come home from work and drink and go to bed. Im so tired and i wish he would just take me back then maybe I’d have that one spark of light. But he doesn’t want me and that leaves me alone.
It seems that that’s the number one question on my mind.
Why am I here ? Why do I feel so sad?
Why can’t I succeed?
Why am I treated the way I am?
I feel so alone I have no body to talk to I have no feeling I’ve became so numb.
How much longer?
I sit and write the final suicide note…
I guess facebook and social media is where all the deep shit is. I just created my first facebook account and i saw all the shit my family members post and some of it surpises me. Its not even just family members but also old friends. I am shocked by their distrust in me. They have all these problems going on and yet they can’t talk to me about it in person. They wanna go tell their “homies” first before i even find out about it. Which naturally begs the question what the hell am i to them? I am their brother, son, friend. So […]
A.k.a. how fucking useless they all are? The only thing mental health care providers have ever done for me is make me feel like they’re exploiting my mental illness as an expendable source of income. 0% helpful. 100% scam. And yet everybody swears by them while I am absolutely convinced that the mental health services are pseudoscience. They don’t give a SHIT about me unless I’m paying. And then they have the audacity to take the $200 I managed to scrape together to try and get some real help, and tell me to fix it myself. Fuck all of you, I hope you all burn […]
Even after every day you didn’t talk to me. Every day you told me you hated me. That I should leave and never come back. After every day I tried to say I was sorry for my shortcomings, and every day that you never forgave me. Every day you never apologized for your own shortcomings, for the bullying and the heartbreak, for every time I tried to share my life with you only for you to throw it back in my face. Every day you told me I looked like a whore when I put on make up when I didn’t feel confident; every day […]
Previously: My life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway
I didn’t jump from the bridge three years ago because I realized I would be able to kill myself at any moment. With this in mind I felt free, there was no rush to end everything anymore. But after I failed on yet another attempt at restarting my life, despite death being the most logical thing to me, I didn’t try to kill myself.
Death is not bad, and it is not simply a way out as some put it. It is when our minds disappear, setting us forever free of all memories, […]
The worst part about finally achieving the happiness and contentment that you’ve always dreamed of is feeling it slip through your fingers. Feeling the hand that had found purchase in salvation lose its hold and force you back over the edge. Feeling the safety harness around your waist and in your chest snap. Feeling yourself slide down the steep slope you’ve fought your way up for years. Feeling your fingernails tear and bleed as you fight for purchase on a cliff so smooth you can see the scratches you’ve made reflected in your own face. Feeling your body hit the ground so hard you’re not […]
Previously: Would have I jumped?
My eternal battle to graduate from college started about 15 years ago, after I left high school. Since then I stopped and resumed my studies seven times — thinking about it makes me feel so ridiculous — and in six of these cases I had to go through all those damn lengthy admission processes. So much wasted time… I feel bad both for the wasted time of my life and the resources I made each of the universities waste with me.
My friends would be impressed by how I made admissions look something trivial, especially because I always aimed […]
Do you know what it feels like to have the last person you would say goodbye to if you killed yourself tell you that you’re a terrible fucking person? I’ll tell you what it feels like. It feels like your chest caving in on itself, your throat being torn out by the vocal cords, and your heart being crushed under the weight of unspoken words. It feels like fresh makeup running in lines down your face and like each heartbeat is a damnation, an act of sin. It feels like dying in the worst possible way and makes the noose you tied from your […]
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi […]
One.
For the sadness that lies deep in my heart,
And for the freedom that’s about to start.
Two.
For the hurt I’ve felt for 6 long years,
And for those long nights filled with tears.
Three.
For the emptiness I always feel,
And for my soul that will never heal.
Four.
For the broken smile I always fake,
And for my joy that always seems to break.
Five.
For a life I no longer want to live in,
And for death to take over and win.
Twenty.
For my last breath I will ever take,
And for my eyes to close and never to wake.
– A.B
Just a little background information: The countdown are not seconds, or time in general.
I’ve made several attempts in just two years. None of it worked.
Everytime I would disappear or just fade away from my friends and they wouldn’t even notice. I’m not saying anything different here from what other people here have been through. I’ve always been the friend that took notice of others. I always go out of my way to notice everyone else, because no one would ever do the same to me. I always felt that it was a horrible place to be in my shoes.
I was always a loner, I am just the girl who would sit in the corner and read alone, having only a few friends. I’m also one to have a lot of secrets and put on layers and layers of masks, to hide the brocken form and tears… and soon, I nolonger know how to cry, how to laugh from my heart, or how to smile truely. I hide away behind the walls, and isolated myself even more to protect what’s left of me, to protect my thick fire walls and masks. And due to those suppressed emotions, I always have a problem with my […]
TLDR : addiction sign, lack of friendships and lost conflict.
Today I did really good. I deactivated my Facebook account and I’m really close to stop spending useless time on whatsapp.
For those of you who don’t know, due to suffering and lack of friends… and probably fucked up parents, life failures, crapy job, broken heart and etc… I started to develop signs of addiction.
Im taking Ritalin for studying (ADHD) and each time it hits me, I feel really good, like I’m focusing on the high I get from it.
I also took lately mid-strong pain killers for my stomach ache and I started getting high on it. […]
I have been standing outside the house for a while, letting my thoughts hit hard on love and company.
I really miss my ex, but not because she was someone who gave me trust. But because she was something to hug, hold and have sex with.
It’s easy to remember our time together as lovely, but in fact it wasn’t as so. therefor I decided to quit it, and even then I’m still missing that hug.
I feel like play Chas game against “time”, as if some kind of persona, shaped like a standing clock, is over thinking me at a chess game, and slowly winning.
I wish I […]
I haven’t been honest with a human being a single time, in probably 6 years. I dont understand why others dont lie constantly. I guess others don’t really fit into the sick fuck category either. Honestly though, the deep emptiness inside me seems a little “Extra!” Just a constant void ripping every way inside you, constant and cold. I cant imagine actually feeling anything anymore, it seems impossible. My feeling has been turned off for only a few years and yet they seem like surreal fairy tales you’d tell a tired child at night. But dont misunderstand when Im allowed complete isolation from others, some […]
Lately, with my mind and experience expanding, I learn to accept more burden and horrors as a road obstacles.
It is as if I’m riding my car through a bumpy road. Sometimes in encountering a fallen tree, or just small pockets.
I learnt to survive by my own, and followed the importance of knowledge. Right now I’m following my plan to use academic education as a “way out ticket”.
I will try to concur the highest summits man has ever seen, only to let myself the relief to live quietly and alone , perhaps allowing me to build a normal family (unlike my ancestors).
I know the road, […]