It’s been about four months since my last post and things are even worse now. The popular notion that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is untrue. There is nothing temporary about my condition. I don’t see how things will ever change or improve. My mother, who was my only immediate family in this state recently moved to another state to enter an independent living facility. I have very few friends. The lonliness and isolation is unbearable. There seems to be no purpose in my life. Unlike many here, I do believe in God and Jesus Christ yet I’m at the end […]
Leaving a small tear here 4all duh bad thangz
Kid #1- Ariana 6yo
Anyone feel like a failure after watching her? O_o
I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if ever there was a case of one, seems like an adult hopped into a little 6yo body. She’s not just “smart” but quite business savvy.
All 3 kids are amazing ofc, but I feel more depressed and pathetic that a 6yo is doing way more with her life than me. I’m sure she’s extremely privileged, parent’s are upper middle class or upper class, she’s been given opportunities most kids haven’t (she’s been put in private school/tutoring since age 2), I’m sure the parents do […]
Why can’t I just be a happy person?
Why must I be plagued with so many thoughts?
I just want to be a happy, productive, capable person.
Just go out and do things. Be happy.
And not weighed down by thoughts. Or feelings.
Don’t have a whole lot to say but felt like posting anyway. I went to a bar yesterday. A barcade to be specific. I love arcades, so I’m always happy to go to one. I drink occasionally but usually I don’t drink too much, mainly because of how expensive it is. I ended up drinking alot though last night. I blew 40 bucks on four whiskey sours. That feeling of inebriation was nice. I felt light and things didn’t seem so important. I felt at peace in a sense. Last night might have been the […]
Suddenly, the reward is available. I’ve been waiting on it, holding myself back from so much, so much just longing for a taste….
and now I can’t seem to… take it. It’s right there, it isn’t even that big of a thing apart from the darn buildup behind it. That I wanted it enough to be sneaky, to be clever, to be patient, and a little dishonest. But when I have it, will I feel better? Doubt it. Doubt it very much…… all the same, I’m afraid if I don’t grab it, if I wait, it’ll cost me much more. Does that justify giving myself a […]
hii..
Something running down my eyes; my eyes running like an egg yolk. Touched up with fountain pen dots, impersonating black holes. Something behind my eye; twisted spaghetti nerves. Stethoscope-as-a-tie-wearers refused to look for too long; didn’t want to get sucked in. Several moons returned; can of wormholes still opened. It’s working against me; outer monologe turned to inner conundrum. Cylinders with hemispherical ends are the shape of the impaired. Again, who’s absorbing whom? Cut off the midst of the fingers on a rubber glove. Moons start melting like hot wax, just like my eyes. Infinity’s the time of heart, not a natural phenomenon.
Can’t wait to die. I mean who cares, it won’t bother me hopefully but even if I’m like whatever.
I don’t want to be this anymore. Being inside my mind is not a fun place to be. I’m tired, sad, lonely, and full of regret, all the time. My life sucks. And I’m not blaming anyone else for that, But it feels so past the point of repair that the urge to give up is overwhelming.
There are certain kinds of videos games (I’m thinking mainly of strategy/tactics games) where it becomes clear you’ve messed it up, long before you hit a game over. Where the mistakes you made early on are now sabotaging your every move, making just keeping your head above water hugely […]
It’s been about a year since she has stopped talking to me and my obsession has not ended. I think it’s gotten worse. I heard her name over the announcements today because she won some sort of award or whatever and my whole day was ruined. My heart was pounding and my mouth went dry and I couldn’t focus at all. I think about reaching out to her sometimes but what would I say? I just want to know what she’s doing now. I really miss her honestly. Every time I see her talking to someone I wish it was me instead of them. I […]
That’s not true. I have a lot of things on my mind. But I will talk about two specific things today.
I was thinking about my manic episode earlier today and remembered that it almost got me killed. I have absolutely no idea if I talked about this already, but I freaked out two tellers so bad that one of them went to their car to get a gun. It was at the peak of my mania and my parents, who were already worried, dropped me off at a trading card shop. The type that has all sorts of stuff for […]
1. You get bored with small talk
2. You’re careful with your words (reserved/overly serious)
3. You’re socially awkward
4. You struggle to make good friends (Is making true friends and finding YOUR crowd somewhat of a challenge for you?)
5. You don’t get out much
6. You’re overly analytical (analysis paralysis/indecisiveness)
7. Your mind constantly craves exercise
8. You’re always feeling pressured to succeed
ME:
1. Most definitely!
2. Yes but can chat and engage in useless banter when out on a “fun” night with ppl who only are interested in non-serious conversations
3. Nope, learned over the years to be extraverted when needed
4. […]
My relatives are like demons that torture me.
I got my wisdom tooth pulled 3 days ago and didn’t take antibiotics, the dentist said I had a very small infection but nothing major. Well starting yesterday I started getting a bit of a bad taste in my mouth and while the pain in my mouth has subsided just under my jaw hurts so I think my days are numbered. If I get antibiotics it causes me a lot of stomach problems and fibromyalgia symptoms.
Can I delete some of my comments made on somebody’s post if I want to?
when I was a child I got bullied a lot but now I became a evil dead beat can’t forget what happened to me cause unfortunately I’m the one who deserves to have no heart beat my life has no meaning no pulse all I though I had was all false I tried to better my self but all I do is ruin my self no one loves me couse I’m just a dead beat so I wonder why god even wasted his time with me couse Im just a dead beat I deserve to be dead I lost lots of love ones that didn’t […]
Sometimes i smile but it’s just a cover tired just tired of living I have no meaning and no meaning to life I’m just a lost soul lost with no cause no reason to be roaming this earth just a big pile of dust is what I should be. couse this life of mine has no meaning to me or feeling couse my vains run with peer disappointments for my love ones I was always the great disgrace and have to be put in my place death is what I wish I have god should take me instead of taking my love ones […]
Today has been really shitty and awful. Granted, a lot of my days are, but today decided to be a bit worse. I had to stay out of one of my classes and cried for the entire hour. My eyes still hurt. I just felt and still feel so horribly alone, I wanted someone to ask if I was okay… I zoned through the rest of my classes. I isolated more than usual, no one bothered to talk to me or see what was up in the one hour that I DO talk to people during the day (not that they probably want me to, […]
I’m an individual with narcissistic traits and I think about spite-killing myself all the time, but really it’s not about other people – I shouldn’t be here as my coping skills are so low. People have told me ending my life would be a bad decision (for someone with my life), but they don’t know how much I hate a lot of my life. I don’t wish a lot of harm upon myself, but if there were a pill or some easier way, I think I would be very inclined to take it way before my time. I have tried so hard to be grateful […]