I’ve remembered a childhood friend of mine, who’s rather popular on social media.

I didn’t have any contact to any school friends, ever since I deleted my Facebook in 2014. I’m basically a ghost, nobody knows what my life became. I’m so glad about that too, ’cause let me tell you, being bullied even by your so-called friends, does something to your perception on how the world views you.

Adults don’t do that to me anymore. I’m happy, I met people who can look behind someone’s appearance, their disability and sexuality.

But back to my friend. I have watched a video of her, where she explains what she […]

There’s something extremely destabilising about not having a clear idea what you’re living for. If I examine the narratives I tell myself about what’s keeping me here, none of them are sufficient to help me to live a functional life.

I’m not killing myself because of a strong attachment to an unrealistic and idealised fantasy of a possible life (romantic love, inner peace, freedom from pain.) But if it’s obvious that it’s highly unrealistic, then what good does that do me? What does it give me to work towards, to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning, to get my life in better […]

I’m in recovery. All is but a dream. The white board is swiped clean.

When someone has a simple (singular) problem, usually and logically there will be a simple solution. For example, there’s something in a person’s nose, they’ll sense an itch or tickle and naturally sneeze.

If that doesn’t resolve, they might next try self-help such as over-the-counter medicine.

Eventually, if their remedies fail, they will seek a medical professional, and then the medical care will bring healthy closure. But let’s say it gets worse, first prescriptions fail, then chronic sinus infections, etc. Usually, a doctor’s last resort is surgery—because of the inherent risks and not guaranteed final results. If all fails, then ultimately the health problem will lead to […]

For a brief moment, I thought that if I was nice and treated everyone with kindness, that things would work out for me. That all my short comings wouldn’t matter and that things would get better if I was just nice. That’s kind of dumb. To think that. Really if you think about it, that line of thinking doesn’t really make you nice. It means you are nice because you want something. It’s like those people who think that a girl would like them if they are nice to them. In my case I thought if I was […]

So apparently news came out recently that the Dalai Lama tried to get a boy to suck his tongue. This isn’t to the same level as Catholic priests raping little boys BUT wtf? And apparently he lived in OPULENCE in Tibet while the local Tibetans there live in abject poverty. And he was paid by the CIA. Oh, and he has a net worth of $150M. See, MSM just doesn’t tell you that. People are raised on pedestals and you only get one story. This “news” only recently broke out but the CIA stuff was known DECADES ago, […]

I hate them so much. I know they say they love me but dammit I just want to die. I tried to shoot myself last year but the gun jammed since it was so poorly taken care of. I have a new one and I tried but they locked all the bullets away so I cant just have a quick and nearly painless death. I am so tired. So fucking done. I even tried to write a suicide note, a little letter so they dont blame themselves or anyone else but halfway through I realized that I actually dont care. I dont care what they […]

I have a lot on my mind as usual. But nothing that I haven’t said on here for the past few days. I thought I might share a post I never published. I wrote it on a .txt file and just forgot about it. I wrote it last year. School had just started and I wasn’t sure about a lot of things. It just goes over how much I hated getting my scholarship. Because of what happened because of it. Anyways:

I woke up with a headache today. My body ached all over. I felt the need […]

Recently two games I’m fond of got updates; Timberborn and Sons of the Forest. I only mention names so our discussion here can be grounded in something. Timberborn is the real star here, Sons of the Forest is after all only a few months into development.

But the devs for this project…. have no right to be as good as they are. The game goes for $25, full price. That is to say you can get it for $10-$15 if you can wait for a sale. I had 300 hours into it before the update, and already I’m up over 400 after the update. That’s how […]

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a crystal ball and peek into your future? If I can see my future, I can determine exactly what I should do now. Namely, if my life continues to be shit, might as well end it now instead of struggling to exist and getting through each miserable day/week/month/year/decade.

The ONLY reason NOT to do it now is the TINY shred of possibility that maybe life won’t always be shit, and if you off yourself now, then it’s a complete waste.

things have been going pretty okay, but i cant shake this feeling..

i want to drink till i puke on myself, i want to overdose on pills and watch the world around me morph and melt. i want to starve myself till i can finally feel my hip bones again. i want to stab myself in the gut take a look at my fat meat and my insides. i want someone to find me in this state and hold me close while i’m dying and tell me that they love me, they always have, and that the hospital will fix me. i want to be cared […]

I went on through to the Doctor’s surgery. A walk – in surgery, me in the capacity of a ‘new patient’, with a ficticious name etc. A very precarious situation, it was now 3pm so if anything went wrong  I was fucked. The Doctor was clad in this Covid style almost space suit looking outfit. Only her eyes and hair were visible. She flipped back her hair with both hands at my arrival so it looked favourable. ‘She’s a little attracted’ I thought to myself, so it stands to reason she will be prepared to prescribe in a liberal manner. I came out with several […]

I want to get the fuck out of here
I want to get away from everyone
I want to be able to go somewhere GOOD and not have to deal with shitty family who either hates me or doesn’t give af about me.

But that 5M Dollars isn’t just gonna appear (I need about 5M to live for the rest of my life)
It’s fucking stressful not having your own place.
It’s fucking stressful to have constantly argue and fight with family about every goddamn thing.

I just want my own place and to be left alone- A NICE place in a NICE area. Not […]

Does anyone else wish they had a boyfriend/girlfriend/someone to share life with, yet at the same time they would also like to be alone?

My cat died today. He got out and I can’t find him, How do I know he is dead, then? Because I can feel his ghost.

The universe can fuck itself. If there’s a god, it can fuck itself. The whole world can fuck itself. I am so fucking tired. No matter what i do, it’s 1 step forward and ten back. Whatever god is out there is having a laugh at my pain, and since I’m no one special, I suspect it is laughing at everyone else who is in pain, too.

I just read that “experts” figured out that giving up on life can literally […]

I just need to get out of my head, but I can’t… I want to escape myself. I want out. It hurts so bad. It’s not fair. Maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I can’t get my head to stop spinning with all these thoughts and feelings; all I can do is curl up in a ball and hide… I’m in so much pain and I’m so sad, and I can’t pull myself out of it. I need help… I need somebody to hold me and somebody to actually care… I scream all my thoughts onto paper or on this site because I’m drowning in […]

I was wrong. My seven year anniversary was yesterday. Oh well. I have been having a hard time not crying lately. I don’t know what it is I just feel like crying. I thought for a moment today “why am I so hard on myself. Can’t I give myself some credit” My immediate thought was no, because I am genuinely the worst. I am worthless. I don’t put in the proper effort. I just want things handed to me. I’m no good. No matter how I look at it I don’t deserve to […]

Counting sheep or counting knives.

We’re ghost-drivers, too scared to look behind us, seeing others advance. Masters at trying to snake through gaps, catching forbidden nostalgia, hidden to others. Eyes like narrowed cat-pupils when hitting the sun, from all the blinding headlights.

Camera flashing lights to some people, no 15-minutes of fame for us. We’re the actual stars – dead a long time, but still around to be observed.

Simulacrums will be fed, some starving children will be not. Excessiveness or naught? Choose. Grey-thinking is passé.

Use as much as you’ve been used, and it’s an offense. However being used, in every imaginable way, is socially established.

Are our thoughts, […]