I’m still here. I don’t know why, but I’m still here. I often joked to myself that I wouldn’t last a month in graduate school. So far, I’m still here. Still have plenty of time to fail. Today I decided to do something stupid and not do any coursework today. No reading, no prepping for the essay due next Sunday, no nothing. Just do nothing. To be honest, there have been many days lately where I hardly did anything, so this isn’t much of a stretch. Doing nothing has me stressed, ironically. I’m always thinking […]
no matter the effort, no matter how hard I try…. it’s all the same. this soul crushing pain and loneliness… and just me existing… it doesnt matter. it would make more sense to just end everything now, instead of wasting years chasing something that probably doesnt exist – peace with oneself, hope of some sort, etc. I’m afraid to look back and see all my failed attempts of living this life than to see all the possible attempts to end it… I keep remembering my mom saying how this didnt matter because I’ve really never tried to kill myself. how bad I supposedly made her […]
Here to just touch base. Haven’t been here for a long time. Intruding thought that tell me to kill myself crop up.
Last time I posted on here I was hopeful about not having any urges to self harm. Unfortunately I have relapsed after 40 days clean, longer than I had gone in a very long time. My hopeful spell came from leaving a long term relationship and feeling those burdens be lifted but my relapse came from seeing an update in my ex’s life.
I will try not to let this relapse taint my recovery and continue to work on my own happiness and independence.
I only feel real when I cut myself. The real me is trapped inside somewhere, and I can only bring him out by hurting myself. The real me is lost, I’m somewhere in there in the blood.
Parasite, parasite, parasite
Sucks out your life, must hide from light
Spreads its blight, ends one life and torments their minds
Parasite, parasite, parasite from hell
Spreading its plague from where it once fell
Its mind and soul has become its cell
Parasite, parasite, parasite must die
Tie it to a stake to watch it burn and die
A human parasite must hide from light
Stay away, lest it spreads its blight
Lest it takes your life
Before that happens, it must burn and die
Kill it.
How does one not feel so alone, so depressed and suicidal when you have no one in your life? When you feel like no one loves you? When you have no one who truly cares about you?
I mean REAL friendships, REAL connections.
Today was bearable. The cold after a few nice warm days kinda put a dent in my mood, but it’s fine I guess. I really need to shower while I’m like this, before it all goes to shit again and I go weeks without doing so. I’m still able to eat, I actually was able to get something I dont usually get for lunch, and I was able to eat everything for the first time in forever (I tend to get really sick after like 5 bites or something idk why) I ate a little dinner but I was still full from lunch.
Turns out I’m […]
It bothers me that nobody really mentions the empty part of depression. I’m talking about the times where there’s not actually anything wrong, nothing is happening but at the same time I feel so depressed it physically hurts my heart.
It’s so silly though. To think that something simple like brushing my teeth or putting on socks seems like such a daunting task. Everything feels so heavy all at once but at the same time, I can’t feel anything.
It’s embarrassing too.
I try keep it under control, but there are times where I’ll go five or more days straight without showering just because […]
I had to look it up, fan as I am of a good turn of phrase, “Hell is other people” is from the philosopher Sartre, an existentialist. Apparently there is some controversy about the phrase and what Sartre meant. I may be misinterpreting, or appropriating it for my own use. As a writer myself, I’d rather my words be used again than people be delicate about it out of fear of misquoting me.
Some things stick with me. I realized this morning that I had the immediate compulsion to hide away, from my pain, from the feelings too big to deal with. I’m making a conscious […]
English isnt my first language. I don’t claim to be any good at writing, i only like sharing whats on my mind in a special way.
I always liked looking at you
Every features on your face
All jigsaw pieces, all perfectly good together
I always liked looking at you
Until i started looking at you, asking myself
What the grief on your face would look like
And what your reaction would be to my death
But do not worry because
I will always enjoy looking out for you
I’m doing my best today… I guess today was fine, just very long. My partner is the best thing to ever happen to me, they’re just so perfect and sweet and idk why they care about me but they do… it helps me keep going at the very least. I’m doing my best, I don’t feel great at all, but I’m trying. I’m sure people I talk (used to talk to) to are sick of that phrase, but it’s true. I guess that’s all one can do other than die.
Can’t really be bothered to even type right now, I don’t want to live alone. I want my mum back. but she is in a nursing home because she needs constant care. she had a stroke which affected many aspects of her.
I’m living in a nightmare.
I hope her condition improves in the next few months. THIS really isn’t any kind of life otherwise in my opinion. she’s in a bed most of the time and the nurses do everything for her. no dignity or privacy at all. I don’t want my mum being in such misery. I am not suggesting anything here. But […]
i want it all to end, but i cant. i swore i would help someone with some feelings, but its getting hard to keep mine in check. she does help me, alot, but i cant take it anymore. i feel torn. i need to help her, but i also need to help myself. i wake up and feel a mix of anxiety, depression, and determination. i hate myself, and i want all of these feelings to end. i keep remembering some things that have happened to me…. but then i get a text from her saying “are you okay?” these little things help me; it […]
I got an emulator controller for Nintendo Gamecube, the video game system I was playing as a teenager. So it’s like a little time machine, and out of the gate the first thing I’m realizing is that I was way more cheerful/willing to fail at that age. These games are punishing by modern standards.
I’ve always been pretty skeptical about nostalgia, partially because most of the good things in my past I try to keep around. Dealing with things from a new angle, I’m hoping to learn more about myself, maybe recapture that optimism, that hope.
currently playing Luigi’s Mansion and Pikmin, which are still an amazing […]
I guess if i told the people around me that I’m depressed and suicidal, they would say I’m too young to know what that means. I no longer have a backup plan, for the method I dreamed so longingly about found its way to be as torturous as life. Yeah, I’ve done my research.
Things used to be easier when I didn’t have someone to disappoint. And then my stupid ass decided to fall in love, and I basically tell him everything. We’re dating? Fun. Half the time I feel guilty for lying to my parents about him and the other half is spent feeling […]
No go for a walk or go journal type of stuff. That’s for when one is sad.
Is there ANYTHING that can realistically pull us out of a DEEP DEEP DEEP Depression? I’m at a point where I’m in despair- I’ve lost hope that “things will be better.” When you’ve waited years and decades, and those words haven’t turned true, and things only have gotten worse, not better. And once you’re middle-aged or old, realistically, what “hope” is there left that “things will be better”? The older you are, the less likely it’s going to happen before you eventually kick the […]
Just started the new school year and most of my friends weren’t treating me like one. They’d say no to hanging out, no to anything they shut down all conversation I tried to make. This went on for the first week and I dumped then all
I feel horrible. I don’t think I did anything that bad to all of them
And it’s not like they were in a bad mood they were friendly and shit to each other
I’ve known them all since like primary..nfjcnxmxmxmxnslssk.