Watching others this time of year, wondering if what they’re showing the world is just a mask like mine or are they truly as happy as they appear? I’m tired of trying, I’ve been trying for forty some years, when can it be enough? When can I close my eyes one last time and feel relief for those remaining conscious moments? I fulfilled my role as daughter, wife and mother, everything is in its place. Even to feel nothing rather than this unrelenting sadness, not knowing why, only that it’s a part of me, intertwined to deeply. I don’t want to keep going […]

I feel like shit, but I suppose that’s no surprise. This past week has been absolutely awful, and it just kept getting worse and worse. I’m constantly overwhelmed and stressed out and I’ve been dealing with a lot more suicidal thoughts and ideas and plans, because I just need it to stop. I feel inadequate and like I can never do anything right, I cant help the people I love when I should be able to. I dont deserve any love or affection or attention. Everything is awful. I constantly think of fading away from this existence. Everything hurts and I’m starting to lose it, breaking down […]

Hello 🙂

Im not here to vent but instead share my story in the hope that i might be able to help you if you need it.

During the past three years i’ve been incredibly depressed and suicidal. I used drugs in an attempt to numb the pain but instead i came out of my addiction with more trauma than before. I went to extreme lengths to numb myself to avoid truly feeling the overwhelming feelings that i knew might swallow me.
However despite all that i’m still here today and doing better than ever.

Thats not to say i’m happy, i still crave drugs but i’m 10 […]

anybody else used to freak out about seeing yourself in security glass and hide for a week afterwards?? My anxiety used to be so bad – like – I’m not SHORT OR WIDE

Stoopid mirror

or fluctuating like

I’m at my frickin best

in every mirror

until sadness comes back like this random thing,

Omg avoid them all –

it sucks before medication right? 😛 you are not alone

I just wanna say the New World Order, Illuminati, whatever they call themselves, is the organization responsible for the world being shit. We aren’t naturally like this. I don’t have the energy anymore to go on a long winded expose providing evidence and proof, but believe me, they’re there. Satanists run this world. Not that I believe in Satan. But they sure do. And regardless of if it’s just a bunch of old men playing pretend the ramifications in the form of abuse of humanity are there. There actually IS a group of people working to undermine the progress of humanity and make us suffer. […]

This world is fucked up. And I’m probably one of the most fucked up parts of it. And I hate that. I hate that when I see people doing messed up shit to others, I understand where the impulse is coming from. I hate that I want to do such messed up shit myself. I wish I’d been a good person. Or even a half decent person. I wish I wasn’t this.

It’s all just so tragically fucked. And it feels like it didn’t need to be this way. But maybe this was the only way to run a universe – survival of the fittest, an […]

Im too afraid to do anything. Im paralyzed by fear and my emotions are overwhelming. Over the course of my life it has gotten worse and worse and now I am isolated.
Im too afraid to do anything. I am miserable and terrified. I am a drain. I am not productive enough. I don’t deserve anything but more suffering, which is probably why Im still alive.
I need help to fix my problems but nobody should ever help me. I really wish someone could help me but everyone should already be aware that its just not worth it.
I dont want emotions or memories anymore. […]

I have a pretty vivid memory of being a little five year old and crying to my grandma that I wanted to die. I don’t remember what set me off but I remember her looking at me concerned but like she didn’t know what to do. I guess it must seem confusing when you have to care for a child and don’t understand why they feel so awful. The truth is I don’t know why I feel like trash either grandma, sorry. I can point to things wrong with my life- but there’s a lot of people who went through worse and are pretty happy. […]

i’ve decided that it’s finally my time. i don’t have a perfect plan but writing the letters has helped me finalize my decision. i can’t feel like this anymore.  what is the point of trying when all i’m ever gonna feel is never ending sadness.

It’s my birthday Sunday. I feel nothing about it. Maybe just shame that I’m getting to be this old but still haven’t managed to really grow up. Haven’t managed to accomplish anything. Yesterday I had a meeting with the fellowship organizers about the internship they are offering this summer. I’m scared as fuck about this internship. I don’t think I could do it. That I would just be a waste of an employee. That I wouldn’t be able to complete a project. Then I think about all the times I ran away from responsibility. Senior […]

Living with BPD sucks donkeyb@lls. I was doing okay, somewhat good even. I worked hard on this. Worked hard on healing. Then I have a problem that I go deeply into with my friend and I point out, that she’s just shrugging it off. How maddening, like I don’t have enough problems. Then she’s trying to pull focus on herself “Why do you always assume this and that about me”. Excuse me.?! I’m dying inside and she’s pretending that it’s okay to be a half-assed friend at this moment. Then she makes up a reason to get out of the conversation. If she doesn’t come […]

I just wanna enjoy the things I like, no shame this time.

For you that had hold on to me for so long. That had promised me so many nice things. I’m sorry and I apologise for this abrupt ending but I’m done with life. It had been a good run. A decent run even, maybe. I lived long enough.

I may had things I haven’t achieved but that’s okay. I’ve settled for this current existence to end on this note. I have so many love for you but that couldn’t save me from my predicament. I could feel myself deteriorating even now so before I do, I love you. I love you so much.

I’m sorry you […]

Tonight is so bad. The presence of the two worst people I know made me feel a bit ill. I am sick of feeling this discomfort in my chest from my ill feelings knowing that there’s nothing wrong with me.

Life has so many things to look forward to, yes.

But people fail to acknowledge that some problems are not temporary. Some things inescapable. I sometimes don’t care that I’ll never be happy again if I die, at least I won’t feel pain at all anymore. It hurts too much that it’s not worth it.

There’s so many things to look forward to but I […]

I’m an older adult, nearly 58 but have suffered from major depression and PTSD all my adult life.  Sadly, it has worsened with age.  I’ve been divorced for over 30 years and have no kids.  My only immediate family in my state is my frail 82 year old mother.  I have a few friends, but most of them live far away.   I was forced to take an early medical retirement due to my illness.  My pets are my primary companions and I’ve struggled a lot with increasing lonliness.  In June of this year things reached a breaking point when I took a full bottle of […]

I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to do this anymore, and I can’t. God please kill me. I’m miserable and everything hurts. I wanna fucking go home. God forbid I stay home ONE day and get a FUCKING BREAK. I feel like everything all at once is hitting my brain and its collapsing. It never ends. It never ever ends. Neverending pain. Too weak to live and too weak to die. This parasite I’ve become, this hideous thing. Please fucking kill me now.