Nov. 3- Lose a close friend, they become what I cannot. flaunt it blindly in my face, I rejoice for them, but they kill me inside and they cannot know.

Masculine culture is so toxic.
And I know there is just a lot of toxic culture these days, but seriously, it goes all the way to promoting unhealthy sex standards.
Afraid of becoming anything for fear of being hunted down like an animal- what kind of validation is this?
Men are crushed for the sake of becoming nothing? What idea has gone so far to create such a hellish jungle?
Never get out of […]

Jan 3rd. Wake up feeling worse than hungover, heavy, painful, unable to think as always. I wish anything made it better. Fail, eat, fail to feed myself effectively, hate. hate hate is too light a word.

I hate myself
I am so worthless. I am so sloth i am nothing without any company. I fail. I try. I fail. I complete nothing.
My life is one big bad dream. It’s full of wonder, but so too is it dripping with crushing despair.
Every opportunity I have to love myself is stolen like some cruel joke and I fuck everything up every time.
Only luck. Celebrate luck. […]

I searched Google for “violently uprooted tree” and found nothing.

I realize I’m damaged on a spiritual level. The type of damage that only rape and warfare causes. And I think I’m stuck here because my soul is tainted because of my and other’s actions and can never heal except in death.

I hit the ground running this morning, and first thing, the first thing I dealt with?

My computer either lost or corrupted a hard drive. That might sound weird to non desktop people, I have seven hard drives… and I know, seven, that seems like a bit much, right? It’s my entire digital life for the past decade. Lucky enough, what I lost was just the last 5 months, the rest was redundant data for other drives.

Still, it upset me, particularly because it is made worse by my motherboard developing an issue where the hard drive sata ports are dead, meaning that I couldn’t connect it […]

I just realized I’m probably a very annoying person, even when I’m in a good mood. I just can’t seem to shut up…

My stepdad and I were just fucking around as always, but then he said something about how I am and always “give him a headache when he talks”. I know he was joking, I hope he was anyway, but it was just kind of hurtful. And in a roundabout way I said that it was, I basically just said that if he was someone else it would hurt my feelings a lot. He’s not a bad guy at all, we mess around all the time, […]

When I say that I find my existence pretty weird, I mean mildly meaningless. Mild is an understatement. The new year began with the most amount of ideations that I have ever had to deal with because of a host of reasons. One being, my parents have retired from their job and my sibling and I should be supporting the family. My sibling has a wonderful job, an amazing partner, and is trying to live her best life. But here I am, still in college, with absolutely no job, no nothing. I am doing nothing to support this family. And with the line of career […]

I’m so fucking tired. I did what all of these dickshit fucking therapists say. “Do fucking yoga”, “take deep breaths”, “see loved ones”, “eat good”. Shit I’ve done fucking all of it, and I’m still ready to blast my fucking brains out. I’m so tired of this being the constant. I’ve used up all my energy to get to the fucking point I can do all the bullshit they say you’re supposed to, but it doesn’t mean shit when you’ve already attempted a few times. Nothing fucking changes, nothing’s going to until I do myself in or something else takes me out. God fucking damn.

Two main things;

1: I want to go skiing at least a week every year. I used to when I was a kid, and my entire adult life I haven’t been able to afford it. Everything in my life oriented towards health was with the attitude that I’d get to ski again. Now…. it seems unlikely, so I’m puzzled why I should keep myself healthy.

2: a place to escape to. Ideally rural, a cabin or cottage with a workshop or garage. I don’t need to spend all my time there, but there are times I want to shut out everything and only be with myself. Now […]

I will never experience any of the things that I feel to be meaningful in life. So why bother trying? Why put all that effort into improving my health, to earning more money, to improving my social skills. If it’s all going to amount to nothing I really care about, why force myself through all that? Why get out of bed every morning?

The answer is that if I don’t, things will get worse more quickly. I’ll end up even more isolated, in more physical pain, with worse money worries.

It all makes logical sense. If I’m not going to kill myself, and it seems I’m not, […]

It’s been a strange year. I’ve found out a lot about myself. I’m uncomfortable right now. I’m ill. I’m low. I’m more tired than ever of dismissing my feelings because it’s the illness talking, not me. But who is me? I have no fucking idea. All I am is this scared, weak shell of a person that likes to believe she’s strong. I’m usually convinced too. I have no idea who I am and therefore no idea what I’m doing. I had an anxiety attack while driving today, and I still have no idea why. I cried because I felt alone, and now I’m empty […]

My birthday is coming up soon. I’ll be seventeen, but I don’t feel excited like I’m supposed to. I honestly don’t feel much at all. My big brother left recently for the military, We don’t have family here except my cousins who, mind you, aren’t blood related. I love them, but it’s not the same.

It’s just me and my parents.
I don’t mind really, but at the same time, I feel jealous when I see the kids who get to go out, or throw big parties, or do things without a care in the world.
My best friend tells me about […]

Yet another NYE spent chronically mentally ill and unstable, friendless, hopeless, angry, self loathing, and suicidal. And I don’t care anymore, I just want to fucking die.

I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky

Will I keep on returning to this dark room life after life?

That’s what everyone tells you when you complain about someone else doing something that inconveniences you. They excuse the fact that everyone is a selfish arsehole with a point being that everyone ELSE in the world is also a selfish arsehole. but it sort of makes sense. The problem is, people are grown up being told these things, and more and more people on the other side of the story are getting away with doing utterly horrible things without feeling much remorse, because after all ‘it’s the way of the world’. BULLSHIT. The world wouldn’t be such a grim place if people had a bit […]

I’m pretty fucking crossfaded right now. I have the shrooms, the bud, and the alcohol hitting right now. Damn am I loose. I was just thinking about what a fucking boring life I have lived. Like Childhood was 9/10. Man do I miss those days it was fucking great. Then teenage years could have been awesome but fucking depression hit like some revenge fueled enemy. And the last 8 years of my life have been fucking boring and pitiful. Literally years of self pity and hatred. And then what now I get a glimpse of what life could be and I just regret everything I […]

I’m too overwhelmed with my thoughts and I can’t sleep but I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to live this life anymore and I really shouldn’t. I’m selfish and try to give myself slack I know I don’t deserve because I’m vile and a fucking failure and disappointment. I don’t deserve love or any kindness and I know that deep down and I know that. I know I should kill myself. I probably make everyone I love want to kill themselves too. I shouldn’t exist. I’m convinced there was some error in making me exist. I’m so awful. I’m this waste of space that […]

last session with that therapist….. I probably shone on a bit more that I was getting better…. which I doubt.

Two weeks now I’ve been trying to find the energy to do the last task on my to do list to get into grad school…. and it just isn’t coming.

I don’t have enough positive anticipation. I’m worried that even if I do get every document in…. they’ll say no anyway. That’s par for the course in my life; I do what is required of me….. still doesn’t amount to anything.

And my parents seem really optimistic about this thing….. maybe they’re just trying to cheer me up […]

I’m sitting in class right now, it’s online and I can’t focus. I’ve been trying to motivate myself for a week now, tried reading biographies, music, watching motivational movies but I move back into the same rut, I’ve even tried meditation. Nothing helps anymore, nothing takes me out of this routine. I’m a senior in school, I need to ace a bunch of exams in a few months to get into a good college but I’m way behind on my studies.
I know that I have to sit down and get cracking and to not look at the huge pile of books I have […]