Apparently all I really needed to clear my sinuses was an eight hour day hanging pipe in a future craft store. Upshot, we got the A/C on today, so the work area is somewhat liveable. The humidity is still awful, but after a few days that should let up.

I feel remarkably dead inside. I came out of my near coma to realize that my current work is repetitive and silly, but I also can’t think of anything better to do. To be clear; I could think of plenty of better things to do, but they all cost money. I can’t think of anything better to […]

*T/W*

*Background: You come from a very religious and cultural family, who are nothing more than narrow-minded people. You’re the oldest child, a first-generation American, and a female. Your parents are emotionally immature and don’t know how to handle their emotions well. Your father has anger issues and isn’t afraid to get violent. Your mother has a problem not knowing when to shut up. You have a passive-aggressive relationship with them. On the outside though, you’re living the perfect life. You are the perfect A+ student, valedictorian of your grade, and winning many awards. You are a part of the popular kids, the crowd following you. […]

It would be nice to die in my sleep tonight. If it was that easy. This world is pure evil but I’m better than that am I not? Hmmm so why the f..k am I here? To become a victim or to become a monster?
Just wondering…
One of the reasons I feel like dying is because I never get along with other people

Is it only humans, or every thing that is?

In Buddhist thought, the nature of existence is suffering/unsatisfactoriness. So it is we always move toward the desirable, away from the undesirable, being born again and again in a variety of incarnations until we finally are able to transcend the wheel of misery through nirvana. That is literally the goal of the religion: gtfo’ing from reality. I still don’t know whether that is super morbid, or super on the nose. Catch, though, is you can’t just kill yourself, because you’ll just be reborn as some other thing. See, there’s the whole superstitious “karma” mumbo-jumbo that’s never really […]

Too afraid to die,

Too afraid to live.

sick, my body is sick to the point that I’m somewhat detached from the normal world. It feels like I might die, and that’s a promising thought. Anyway, I’m not me right now, not sure who I am, whoever keeps the lights on until the old ticker shuts off.

Every time I think I’m getting better, I get more dizzy, more confused…. one part thinks it will be over sooner or later, the other part wonders why my biology would be so kind.

Sleep is the fast forward button of life, and I haven’t slept like this in years. Wouldn’t be surprised to wake up ancient and […]

This is just my quick summary rant of my wanting to die, yes I know what I’ve written is long and messy but believe me I have left out a lot of details, this really is a summary and I just need to let it out, any comments even if mean are appreciated, I can’t let anyone know what I’m planning so being able to be open like this makes me feel just a tiny bit better

Was diagnosed with depression in middle school, my mother is agoraphobia so since middle school I’ve had to shop for her, take care of her and the house, I […]

A little sad…upset…
This heavy chest…this feeling of being a prisoner…
F..k this…all of it…

hey heres an update: I am not commiting suicide at this time. I have decided that my method is a little difficult to pull off, especially as I live with other people. I may make another plan in the future, not completely sure when or how though.

also I’m surprised on how many people commented. I appreciate that. Thanks.

I remember making this account maybe 7 years ago in my twenties. i feel so old and I am still just as lonely as I was back then.

I wish I had then let go and died when I was on the edge. i wish it so bad.  I really need to start seriously working on a plan out. It is just so hard because I don’t really want death, but I can’t live like this either.

why did i end up like this? why did nobody want me? i was so hopeful about the future as a child, i still remember. how stupid.

Why am I even […]

So I was looking into other cultures’ and time periods’ perspectives of suicide (spoiler: not universally demonized) and in my readings learned through Schopenhauer that my undergrad fave David Hume wrote an essay refuting his society’s condemnation of the act – which was suppressed for quite some time, it would seem. I thought some salient points would be worth sharing here, though I really recommend the actual essay itself.

First, if you’re of the religious ilk, he argues that killing yourself is no more going against the divine will or whatever than doing literally anything else. “God” fashioned the entire universe, any and everything that happens […]

hello everyone!

I have found a suicide method. It seems to be mostly successful. The only problem is being found too early. It could leave me with permanent brain damage so I’ll need to have a very detailed plan.

The other parts of my death are pretty easy. I don’t really want to write a suicide note. I don’t have much money or whatever to write into my will. All I need are a few household items and maybe some soap. I don’t like being too melodramatic so I kept it simple.

It’s almost funny how hard it is […]

i will not forgive him out of your convince. you’re my mother and you’ve been with me every step of my life, and i’ve told you the things that man has done to me. you simply don’t care, you just want us to be a “happy family” again. why do i have to be silenced? why do you leave me alone with this horrible excuse of a human being? why do you defend him?

when i told you i wanted to die, you told me you wouldn’t care if i killed myself. now you just deny saying that in the first place whenever i bring it […]

Everyone has good intentions when it comes to helping others. They try to help. They offer words of comfort like:
Your stronger than you know.
Things will get better.
You can get through this.
(Personal favorite) Think about your children.
What if people are thinking of their children when they decide to exit.
What if the last bit of strength they have is used doing one selfish act that will free them yet help the ones they love the most. Yes, it will hurt them – there is no doubt in my mind that suicide leaves a hole in a person’s heart that can […]

I’m a pathetic loser.
I can’t even get anyone to say hi to me.
I’m so ugly. So stupid. So pathetic.
I have no friends.
I have no one to talk to.
I have no one that loves me.
No matter what I do it doesn’t matter.
I will never have a friend.
I will never have anyone who wants me around.
I will never have anyone who knows me and accepts me.
I have done my best, it’s time to go.
Goodbye whoever reads this.
I’m safe now.

Mother, father, grandma, brother, daughter,

I made a decision, leave me alone. I don’t need your lectures, you can get off your pedestal. This is how it is and this is how it’s going to be. My daughter, my home, my family. I’m not coming back so get used to the idea.

The end

Every day I think about ways to stop this overwhelming pain and sadness. I can’t be bothered anymore. I feel that I can’t leave because I have my son to look after and he has already suffered tremendous loss. I can’t focus. I’m going to lose my job if I don’t return. I find no joy in anything. I only want to lie around and sleep or watch TV. I am a worthless nothing piece of crap. The love of my life blindsided me and left – no contact. Just cheated and left after eight years. I’ve struggled with my mental health for years and […]

When I do die, I don’t want anybody to miss me. I don’t want people to cry over me. I don’t want tears if sorrow shed because I’m not herw anymore. I want people to try and find good things about my life and smile at my death. I am not worth crying over. I am not worty anybody’s pity. I am not worth anybody’s sadness. I am not worth anybody’s anger. I am not worth anything. I am nothing and that is why I deserve to die. I am a disappointment and that is why I chose to leave. I am useless and that […]

I haven’t been on here for a while… because I thought maybe if I stayed away from the things that brought me comfort and validated my want for dying I’d feel less like dying…. I tried medications only to have been forced off them. Only to have to handle the judgement and criticism of my family. Because they’re perfect and I’m not. Today I found myself searching up ways to end my life. A day before my birthday. And every year I only want to die more…. What is the point of living. What’s the point of anything. I’m scared that if I do it […]