I feel sad because there’s a part of me that’s missing. I used to be a certain way and now I’m not due to how much I let the world shut me down. I’m definitely exaggerating when I say the world but I’m really talking about the people who were in my immediate family and inner circles. I mean I guess there’s times to be serious and so I suppose I was wrong to be such a clown at those times but throughout the years I let my father beat out my inner clown. I used to just wanna laugh all the time even if […]

I know I’m a bit fixated on death, probably always have been and always will. My first encounter with it was at age five, my great aunt who I loved more than my mother at the time passed away, ovarian cancer. I was devestated.

At age 12-14 I watched my grandma waste away from Lou Gehrig’s disease. In the words from one of my favorite films, Pet Sematary, “sometimes dead is better.” She was utterly miserable by the end. She was also a big enthusiast on the whole living thing; cooked healthy, gardened, worked out regularly, took care of others right up to the end. I’ve […]

sorry about all the shitposting lately. things have never been this bad.

ordered my “suicide kit” on ebay. By that I mean poison. Last night I stumbled on a news story about a suicide, and the dumbass newspaper reporter told exactly what the poison was. and the dose. It’s not a controlled substance because it has a common harmless use, but if you eat it… glory days. Sure enough I found the stuff on ebay for $4, and it’s 4x the amount the person took. So for $1 i may have bought my ticket out of here. We’ll see in about a week. I should’ve sprung […]

I’m so tired of how much agony goes into being yourself. I don’t know what to do anymore… my soul wants to be unapologetically myself, but my heart just wants to give up, drink alcohol and let myself decay…

see my last post, idk if its’t the fucking meds that scrambled my brains or if it’s the universe choking the air out of my lungs but i cant fucking breathe. all this motherfucking pain. squeezing the life out of me like a tube of fucking toothpaste and the cap is the top of my head. watch it spew.

my story is nothing new. in fact you dont need to read another word. just log it in your head as another fucked up wasted life. log it in your head as another worthless asshole who tried and tried. if youre the literary type, read The death […]

Been a long time since I posted here. I wish I could say it was because things were going okay, but that is not the case. One person can only handle so much. Thing don’t always get better, but they can always get worse. That’s where I have been and that’s where I am at… a continuous downward cycle of abuse, disrespect and bullying. That’s been my life. Too many bad choices and surrounded by cruel people. Living with my poor choices is not easy. There should be forgiveness for mistakes and there is none. Just the wicked never rest or walk away. I have […]

It makes truly a difference to know what is happening to you.

Lots of literature and videos about such a theme

This video is very helpful in understanding the process of going through emptiness:

If we could talk again…

I’d tell you how much I enjoyed your company on our daily rides. I’d make the robot noises you enjoyed so much…I’d revel in your laugh, bathe in the joy you radiated as you howled with laughter as I pretended to be a …. how did you say it – “wobot?” I’d bring you snacks, and watch as you scrambled to hide them, so your staff wouldn’t find them, planning to feast on them once you were alone. I’d take your frail hand and arm and guide you down out of the bus, and walk you to your front door, and […]

My soul is howling
My soul is crying in the night
Nobody can hear it
The pain is cosmological
Nobody can bear it
They don’t give a shit
My mind is tormented
I can’t understand this world
Matter is crazy, consciousness is fucked
How and why did they join together
If there’s no logic to be found in this act
It’s bad if people don’t get to understand this
Cause this ignorance makes them slaves contempt in their prisons
Never wanting to be free
Is it better to be dead
Then why live in misery

My therapist told me statistics show you can become way more happy if you do that every day.
My day today was pretty shitty but I will try.
(It is really a hard question today)
1.) Cup of coffee isn’t instant and tastes delicious
2.) my twin reconnected with me after a few months of nothing
3.) my socks are done in the dryer all FLUFF

my best friend is mad at me and i couldn’t defend myself. all my other friends told me she’s selfish and using me for school and stuff, i really know and noticed that , but i always look to the bright side, she brought me to life, i actually like her and probably im in love with her, im confused i thought that i lost those love feelings and we’re besties now, but as soon as this happen i knew more that i couldn’t, everything reminds me of her, i don’t know what to do , it is killing me, im stuck and can’t stop […]

I am in a very bad place mentally, so indescribable and confusing I don’t think I could ever explain it to anyone. It stripped me out of fluent sentences or logic, and my thoughts get cut off midway when I try to record them down. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, the iceberg I can’t write out, I can’t remember clearly either.

yesterday I completely lost my mind and could not go about a second without being completely drowned by thoughts or triggering memories. So I set a rule to not write or draw or make a single noise, and not cry or breath […]

i feel like my autism is a curse, heres some more writing about birds, short but eh im tired its like 8 pm here so whatever

i don’t know , why im feeling low … i think i’m going to bit by bit to hell

When life is out of hand.
I don’t know what to do, so I cry.
My tears to sleep, my heart to beat.
My phone becomes a tool to alleviate my woes. It has all the answers, mostly. The only thing I can control. When I’m sick, I google, and keep it to myself. When I’m sad, I ask my phone “why am I sad?”, I get the answer. Is it depression or anxiety? Both. But I keep it to myself. Self diagnosing, but I know deep down it’s true. But when there are no answers. And I don’t know what to do. […]

I only have one dog left and he has cancer. After he’s gone I’m ready to set sail out of this world….finally.  Sadly he’s not enjoying his last days and neither am I.

All I know is it has never been this bad. I’ve had thoughts of suicide for years but not like this. Not groaning on the fucking floor in agony wondering how deep I can jab sharp objects into myself. Or how many times. And i try to remember what changed in the last year. Literally nothing except last year they put me on meds. The shit fucked me up almost immediately so I took myself off it after 2 weeks. But my fucking brain is porridge. What am I supposed to do, go back to the doc so they can experiment with something else? We’re […]

I’m so lonely it makes me sick.

I don’t really have any friends. I used to have 2 but one stopped talking to me and I’m not sure the other even likes me. I’m horribly shy with an awful stutter so I have no chance of making new ones. I have no online friends as I don’t have much of an internet presence besides tumblr and some imageboards.

I can’t talk to my parents. My mother would just get mad at me and I don’t talk to my father anymore.

I just want this all to stop. I would’ve committed suicide by now […]

this story sucks but if you want to read it go ahead

i still get nightmares about my ex.

i wake up in cold sweat, still wondering if they’re spamming my phone with apologies, excuses, pleas, or just menaces. i have dreams about them crawling back to me for revenge, mocking me. sometimes i do have dreams of them being nicer.. but i always remember about how much they stalked me. im surprised there hasn’t been a bomb sent to my house since they probably still have my address.

i’ve heard their voice in my dreams, its been such a long time. it was soft.. but i still get shaken up.

no, i dont miss them in any shape or […]