I have no more fight left in me. The weight of leaving is heavier than the weight of staying. The struggle of being alive has taken its toll on me.  I’ve lost. I surrender. I gave up the war.  I can’t even recognize myself anymore.  Just want to go “home”, nothing more, nothing less…

Be me, Senior year in school. Have no real friends. No job. Bad coping methods/hobbies. Ugly. I feel like living as me is a a cruel punishment from a higher power. I keep on doing things that hurt me and it’s so embarrassing and shameful and pathetic, and I wished my parents weren’t such idiots. I wished I could actually enjoy something and do something fun because I haven’t felt happiness in a long time, but nothing I can think of does that for me. Everything feels so permanent and out of my control, especially my brain, which doesn’t seem to function properly, […]

 In summer 2021, I was in a horribly dark place. I couldn’t even get out of bed and cried every day. By august 1st, I had met a guy. I met him on bumble bff. I had just spent the last 6 or so months engaging in degrading hook ups and trying to find ‘love’ and has given up. I was his perfect target.

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and told that I possibly had autism according to a few therapists I had seen before, so basically when it comes to dating, I get obsessive with people and idealize them, on top of […]

It hit me yesterday, I’m just the waste product left of what was once a useful person. As in, I don’t identify with who I was before the crash, it was a human being I am not capable of being now.

The one car that I’ve spent the last four years spending almost all my money keeping alive, and already had one transmission replaced, had the transmission go out. For those of you without cars (lucky devils), that means that my care is now a 3000 pound useless hunk of steel. We own three “cars”, as in they used to be cars, back when I could […]

I am a senior in high school, 18,  about to be out on my own. all my friends are super excited, ready to go to college and conquer the world. I am lazy as shit. I turn in my homework late or not at all, even when it is extremely easy because I’m too lazy to do it, i never clean my room even though its disgustingly filthy, and if i wasn’t being literally forced to work a job i would have quit by now. I have considered dropping out of high school multiple times (not now since I’m about finished) because its too much […]

I’ve been wondering about you. I hope you’re doing okay.

Ever since I started high school I’ve just always been pretty depressed. Sometimes I’d have some short moments where I don’t feel it but after a few days it always comes back. Many times I have considered s- and many times I have done extensive research into how I should do it.

Recently I’ve discovered a game where I can just stop thinking about life, existence and all the things I need to do. From there I discovered some amazing songs which help me stop myself from s-.

I still struggle with being depressed though and I don’t know how to […]

of course i have friends, they care about me very, very much! they helped me out when my brother was being abusive, they stood beside me when my ex was stalking me! why do i think they don’t give a shit about me? what’s wrong with me?
i wish i can hug them all! but they’re all online.. i wish i can stop thinking like no one cares about me. people do, i’m lucky to have people like that in my life! ..even if i can’t touch them, even if i can’t fully express my gratitude to them because i’m horrible at expressing my feelings.. […]

It was an accident. A headache, a load of illicit painkillers, I was still sick with rage at getting fired so treating myself far more roughly than usual, I knocked back a few pills a bit like I’d yank on a hank of my hair in frustration, a sort of ‘get your shit together’ and then a couple more. I truly, truly had no idea that would happen. I’ve taken more pills than that in one go just to get to sleep.

I don’t want to write or think about exactly what followed. I want to scrub the next four months completely from my life but […]

This time it’s Naomi Judd who lost the “long battle with mental illness” according to her family. A few years ago she had even written a book about her recovery. Suicides of the rich & successful are especially depressing because you realize they had all the resources available, the best doctors & therapists, support from their circle of friends, family & business associates, support from fans. But I guess like cancer this disease is incurable no matter what you throw at it. If they couldn’t survive then what chance do we have?

ive cut myself on and off ever since i was like 12 and i havent for a really long time now but recently i keep rhinking about it, even when im not feeling overwhelmed or anything. it just comes to mind and i feel like i need to do it. i know i need someone to talk to about it but i dont want to talk to the people that already know

Ever since I was really little I’ve been known to space out and sometimes I’d space out for so long that I kinda just disconnected from everything and I couldn’t remember where I was. During my middle school years it wasn’t as severe but recently it’s started to get really bad again and it’s starting to scare me. I’ve had so many gaps in my memories lately and I can’t focus on anything. I constantly feel tired no matter how much sleep I get as well. What’s wrong with me?

I didn’t leave him, my husband that is uts been so long since my last post and I’m still here. Same stupid crap same relationship. When I told him I was leaving he promised things would change and they did. He started treating me right and being more loving and supportive towards me. All the lies I held came to light and he swept them under the rug. I rely thought I was going to be happy, I really thought things would have changed but maybe I can’t change, maybe I’m not allowed to be happy. I really just want to die now more then […]

I’m back, the trip went…. more successfully than I expected. All the same…. I don’t feel a damn thing anymore. I feel a desire to feel, a longing, empty feeling.  I willfully spin away the hours, trying to feel some joy or satisfaction in things….

we’re in that time of year, where even though the hours of daylight outnumber those of darkness, sometimes days in a row will go without sun, without much light because of all the rain. Which should be great, I know lots of people are living in draught, not getting enough rain to survive….. which just makes me more sad; I don’t […]

I hate myself for not killing myself
I am dead inside and i want my exterior to match
I hate everything about myself and i barely know who i am
I don’t want to know
I want to cut myself and dismember my body
I daydream of getting murdered
I hate myself so much that i cry about it
I pray to a god that i dont believe in to end my life
I am desperate for a way out; it hurts so much to live
I think its clear to everyone around me
I look like a walking rotting carcass
I am begging and […]

My life is like climbing a steep hill and mountain, sometimes I feel on top of everything but the next is that I slipped and fall into my grace.

I don’t know why everything I do turns to south, or why do I even bother to live a supposed purpose to this world. Calling for help is no easy task or even ignored and belittled by many people that surrounds you.

Laughed for being too dumb or stupid.

Being the dunce of the class and not academically smart enough to be the rest of them or being bullied at school for […]

I dreamt about her again last night. But it’s not about her. It’s what she represents in my subconscious – someone who thought I was worth knowing. She eventually realized she was wrong about that, but she tried far harder than anyone else to give me the opportunity. And now that’s long-gone. And I just want to go back, and find some way to cling on to it. Do things differently. Show my appreciation. Be the person I should’ve been.

There’s no way back, there’s no do-overs, as far as I know. Maybe at some point the universe will loop and all this will happen again, […]

Why does God let bad things happen always to some people and others things always seem to go their way. I never asked to be born. Especially to parents who didnt know to love or show affection. Or marry a person who cant show kindness or affection and is verbally\mentally abusive. I have tried to be a good person, do the right thing. Ive prayed to ask for help with my problems. He has never responded. I am at the end of my rope with the whole relying on God for things. Ive just repeatedly been hurt. Im tired. I feel alone. Why? I never […]

I’ve worked hard but at the end of the day I’m a failure.

I’ve made my decision.

I’m going to move to AZ and live on my savings for as long as I can. Then I’m going to end it. Being here is just not worth it anymore.

first post.

So I admit, I’m a depressed pos, however I’m aware that things can get better. Only if I tried right?

This is something about my life never getting better. Maybe it does temporarily but it never lasts long.

At first I thought it was that I didn’t have any friends. I have some of those now and I’m still depressed. I thought it was because I couldn’t find a boyfriend, but now I’m onto my second one and I’m still feeling this way.

I’ve experienced the highs that cause me to believe that there is a possibility to get over all of this, but then I sink […]