I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m too afraid to end it. Unless/until something drastic changes, like becoming homeless or serious illness, I’m going to be sticking around. I’ve spent years questioning whether it would be preferable to overcome that fear and go through with it. But I’ve found no consistent answer, and without that I just don’t have it in me.

So if I’m going to be stuck here, the next question that arises is how to make things as bearable as I can. That seems to be an even more complicated question. A significant part of me believes that I […]

oh no, they’re back

the voices.

the vague voice

the deep and low whisper,

it lets out

the cold shivers down my spine.

oh no,

maybe.

maybe it’s made up,

all in my head?

can’t be.

could it be?

oh no,

i feel it fogging up my head like a cold forest morning after the rain

oh no

am i going crazy?

maybe it’s normal.

maybe it’s just my mind trying to create someone here so i’m not […]

Lately i’m not sure how i’m feeling, whether it’s really high, highs or really low, lows. I keep getting confused by the highs and think oh i’m getting better and then being proved wrong by the lows. I’ve dealt with a lot of past trauma, that being a lot of sexual abuse by people who i trusted and thought were there to protect me but realizing that i shouldn’t been protected by them instead was the hard part. I can’t remember when the sexual abuse started and i can’t remember who the first person was. I remember most people who have done it, my uncle, […]

I think I was just doomed from the start.

This society doesn’t want people like me, it prefers that I’d die. I’m gay and transgender, so I’m already a target for horrible people to take their frustrations out on. I’m too disabled to work, but the government won’t give me Disability. Even if they did, it’s not enough to survive on. I’m not good enough at art, music, or writing to make a living off of it. Streaming is too tiring with my depression and chronic pain. I’ve tried to get a remote job despite my disability, but I’ve only gotten scams. I’m running out of […]

Last weekend, someone took me to a large suburb house, to feed the owner’s cats. The owners left the country two months ago, and he somehow thought it’s best for his two British shorthairs to be locked in one room, instead of giving them the whole house to wander around. For two months the cats have been kept inside a small room with a caged bird, people come two times a day to feed them, and I was really disgusted by that. I haven’t wrote on this site for a while, I’m getting a bit worse at talking, but typing seems fine, whatever, go on.

When […]

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But […]

What is the point of friendship? Do we seek others’ validation? Friends aren’t always there for you. Sometimes you have to keep secrets from your friends. Can’t tell them why you’re unhappy. Eventually friends will leave you. Move on with their lives. Can’t be burdened by your troubles.

Happiness or pleasure is like any other addictive substance..

It gives you a high and then when you don’t have it you can’t live without it.. Now all you want is a little bit more of it..

Then you promise yourself that you will stay happy no matter what… Whatever may happen the worst of the worst but you still believe that someday everything will be perfect as you have always wanted and prayed for…

And that day hopefully you can feel something inside of you… Don’t know what it is but all I hope is it’s not happiness.. The illusion of happiness

I think it comes down to this:

Is life meant to be enjoyed?(Does life have to be enjoyed otherwise it’s not worth living?)

Or is life meant to be endured?

I feel like the world has been taken over by “hedonism”.

Like the ultimate goal for any human being has to be that they feel happy. I personally don’t think happiness is really that important. One can be sad and depressed all the time, as I am, but still have a strong structural belief or imagination of what this world is about and their place in it, and use that view as a forward drive.

I think, with the goal of achieving a self-perceived and self-chosen “good” life-long purpose, one can live a “fulfilling” or “satisfying” or at least a “self-accepted” or tolerable life, regardless of whether […]

Im a 22 year old guy whos incredibly lonlely. I’ve somewhat lost my mother to a terminal illness that caused my dad to leave when i was 14. None the less ive had a few relationships in between but one of them ended up cheating on me and the other was a cocaine addict. None the less i am sad,, alone and want to kill myself. Ive been suicidal for years and years but couldn’t leave my mom like my dad did. Now that her illness is closing in on her and things are getting shorter, i feel less of an obligation to […]

life feel claustrophobic. i feel like i can’t change anything significant and even though i’m a nice person and i try to help people a lot especially at my work i feel like i’m constantly being put down by life itself. the other week for my bfs birthday we wanted to go to amsterdam, first holiday together, ended up getting cancelled 3 times and loosing £700 YAY! it’s just little and big things like this that happen constantly that just make me feel sick to my stomach that no matter what i do, how hard i try, how much effort i put in, i will […]

I don’t know why, but I just got a really bad feeling. Are you still here? Maybe it’s just my imagination?? I havent been reading posts here but I hope you’re okay man..

I belittle myself. I think I can’t do it. I’m not smart enough. I have no common sense. I’m too skinny. I am a failure. At tennis. At school. At drawing, sometimes. At my own body. And I just can’t breathe. Emotionally and physically. I’m intrigued and fascinated by the thought of cutting. It’s just so tempting. But then I stop because I’m scared. And how will I get a sharp enough blade? (All excuses)

D1,

My life is a disaster, at least in my point of view.

I think about suicide, although I know I’m not capable of doing it. ‘What if I killed myself right now?’ I think.
Would someone even care? Some of them would, but it would heal very fast. I commonly try to ignore that.

Firstly, I want to say something that made me happy today: finding this website. My life has been so devastating and anxious, and that’s not even the worst part! The worst is that I don’t trust anyone completely to tell them my problems and thoughts. I’m […]

I’m 13. I don’t know why the hell I was born. I’m just tired. not sleepy tired, just tired of being alive, on this planet where there is always fighting, where people are constantly hurt, where people can’t just get along, where we all just live pointless lives, I’m pretty sure majority of our species will end up in hell if that stuff even does exist, if there is a god I hate him because he has given everything to those who don’t deserve it, and those of us who try so hard, those of us who have hurt so much, we are given nothing, […]

people who say fake it till you make it have never actually experienced that feeling of not being heard or being unimportant in a group of people. what do u mean act confident unril you feel it?
I feel confident, its not like i try to be quiet. but i guess i just have those vocies that are easily ignored. I can be as confident as I can be but i still get ignored, even when im being loud ive just got those vocies that wash into the background noise.

so fake it till you make it doesnt work.

Today sucked, as has most of the last year, but today distilled it all down, into why I have no faith in my life.

My therapist canceled. I’m sure for a completely rational reason, but he canceled on a day I really needed him. First I needed to process my wife falling through my kitchen floor Easter evening, but also I needed help figuring out how to deal with it, I’m flying solo and am a notoriously destructive force in that area.

We had also set this morning as a time to try and get me with a social worker to get a job….. now that has […]

Sometimes I want to take a knife. But then I would get caught. Some one is always out there, in the kitchen, the living room. There’s always someone here. And I hate that. I hate having someone home 24/7. I can’t get a knife, can’t keep a diary, can’t keep a secret, can’t cry in peace, can’t sleep in peace, can do school work in peace, can’t procrastinate and play games on my iPad (iPad kid vibes, yes I know) in peace, can’t even draw in peace because someone is always watching. Someone is always there, and when they’re not, I fear they’ll return. When […]

Sometimes I wonder if anyone even remembers. The time I broke down in tears in front of my class. My dad was arguing. They talked about divorce. But I really cried because he said my mom was grounded from seeing her family (relatives). I hated that he yelled. And I tried to stop my tears before I got to school. Was this in 3rd, 4th? I was just so sad. A girl, Lily, asked me if I was okay at my locker. I couldn’t hold it in, and I just cried then and there. I had to go out of class to calm down. One […]