God fucking damn it. I thought it was only the second day. I thought i was suppose to be taking it today. I dont understand what happened, where the day went? I was keeping track. Every day i told myself “ok you just took your pill yesterday” or “you need to take it tomorrow”.

I fucked up…… Part of me says take my pill and just continue like it’s fine, of course there’s that part of me that wants to say fuck it, i don’t give a shit.

I’m not good enough. I’m just not. Trying to get this thing to work won’t work. I’m just no good. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared out of my mind. Lately, I just sleep. I sleep because I don’t want to deal with anything. I sleep because I want to run away. I’m no good. I’m just no good.

(Sorry for not correcting misspelled words, this site is a pain to navigate through)

Shadowy figures everywhere
I can see an feel their glare
On the same plane as me
Though I might have the key

Deep in here, trapped inside
Never can be justified
I may try I may not
After all I’m gonna rot

Somewhere high up in the sky
May become a mindless fly
Thinking? No, that won’t do
Let me see when it’s brand new

I believe in it all
Doubting as it’s getting small
I can’t feel, I can’t hear
Still, it does make me cheer

What they won’t comprehend
May have met them in […]

A while back I told my partner about being suicidal and that the only reason I couldn’t go through with it was because I felt I had to take care of my family. Is it odd that the response was that he doesn’t want me to feel that I have to take care of them?

It doesn’t even show when you’ve posted a video so your post gets ignored, trolls, the moderation…

Working together with close friends is paying off so much. It’s nice to have someone by my side through all of this hell. I miss standing in the ocean and being knocked over by the current, for some reason, it’s our favorite thing. It’s delusional to think it only takes 10 minutes to push us a mile down the shoreline. But we miss it. We miss the taste of fresh lobster. The taste of salt water and how it burns and feels adventurous.

I remember some times you would be doing something and you wouldnt be able to answer me right away for whatever reason. and id panic….. youre doing something better. youre not going to come back. you hate me.
for…..no reason except you didnt message me back right away…
which makes me feel needy, which makes me hate myself

it always leads back to self hate, doesnt it?

Looking back it was almost like I was born to be mistreated.

There was a girl who would step on the heel of my shoes every morning during the assembly; or just any time the class stood in a line. This went on for one or two years, and I just let it happen. I didn’t like it, having the heel of my foot rub against the grainy sole of her shoe. The feeling of my sneaker flopping up and down, I would step my heel back into the shoe and just like everything in my life, a pattern, a loop, she steps on it […]

the cause of my current disappointment is a minor, most stupid issue. I’m not gonna mention what happened because I know people could be judgmental; even in a wordpress such as this.

Anyway, yes. Life is not worth living through. You don’t get the things you work so hard for. You don’t deserve them because you fucked up in any way you did. Everyone saying you’ll get things accordingly to your hard work are lying through their teeth. Or very much annoyingly privileged. Being in debt is your fault. Not being able to live right is your fault too and I’m so annoyed with myself […]

really says it all, it’s always promises they can’t keep with other people. I try to be true to my word, and fail consistently when I depend on others.

My last good therapist got promoted, and I tried to be glad for her, she recommended me to a new lady, who did two sessions with me, then today I found out my insurance won’t cover her, so given that those two sessions were about getting to know me, I’ve been wasting my time. Now I have to wait until the 28th to get another initial session, which I plan to open with; “Are you sure you’re […]

Ever let the anxiety sink ,the rage boil up
Ferment the pain, and bottle it up
Reflecting on the past like it ain’t slow enough
Mom’s always sad that I ain’t growing up
Pills help me cope but I’m still fucking up
Fuck going outside, the moon aint show enough
I laugh about death like I ain’t dark enough?
Friends ran away? I guess they stalked enough?
Fam patient with my death like who’s taking what?
keep a sharp angle, latitudes of my cuts
Force you to be strong like you ain’t had enough
have the nerve to ask what’s wrong…
God ain’t fucking […]

I can feel myself unraveling. Again and again. It’s always a sequence of unraveling, getting up, and re-raveling yourself. Over and over and over again. I don’t think I’m going to graduate. I don’t think I deserve to graduate. I don’t know what I am supposed to be. I have no passion or desire. All I do as sit down and complain. I think that’s why I try so hard to get close to her. To try and derive happiness from someone else instead of myself. That’s not how that’s supposed to work. I […]

I suppose the mind plays tricks to distract you from the harder shit in life, i don’t even know what shit it will pull tomorrow. “stoopid brain!” *slaps it

When I was younger, 13ish, my “father” said it was my fault that people didn’t hangout with me. He said it was my fault my cousins father didn’t want her hanging out with me….

i just want out. i need out. this agony has me chained and i don’t see any way to escape without dying in the process. a few days ago i felt a little hope that i would make it but that got ripped up. i can’t move. can’t do anything. can’t show up anywhere. i just need everything to go away

even as i write this, it feels like a lie. maybe it is a lie. maybe i’m just desperate for attention. but here we are.
i dont know how i feel. i always think i begin to, but as soon as i feel emotion it disappears. not out of thin air, but i’ll sit and think “is this real? do i feel this? are you sure? are you doing this for attention?” and it kills me. i don’t know who i am or what i think. i feel so disconnected from my body and mind. i feel this way even as i sit and write […]