I think that this year might be the end. If nothing changes this year or the next I’m pretty determined to die.

The pain is deep,

The pain is real,

Sometimes I wish you knew how I felt,

They give me medicine to make me change,

But anothor anti-depressant wont make me sane,

You say take your medicine,

Yet I still feel the same,

Great Ive given myself anothor black eye,

My only regret is youll suffer but why,

The punching myself eased the pain,

The chord around my neck makes it so real,

That a matter of life is just seconds away from finally ending and taking this pain.

Its Go away,

But baby I really want you to stay,

Its tell me you love me a thousand times,

But then I hate you so never mind ,

Its leave,

But come right back,

Its he can have you,

But your my girlfriend,

Its a twister of thoughts that make no sense,

But they seem so real,

‘Its a roller coaster of emotions that never ends,

Its one more suicide attempt to end this pain,

But all I really want is for you to stop me,

You think its a game,

But to me its my life.

Mm, gotta laugh at myself for this – I wanna go get my hemp rope, not to end it,although I do want to die. Just to cut off the blood flow for a bit.

Funny part is I just cleaned and I don’t want to get rope litterings in the house.

Seems I need another rope, nylon or cotton lol

7 years since I was last here.. I think. I’ve traveled. I’ve gotten married. I almost had a baby. Things kind of fell apart and now they’re on the upswing. Life is good.

So why am I home alone writing a note and trying to figure out how to avoid a mess? I’m not scared this time. I’ve just cracked again.  Avoidance doesn’t work when it comes to suicide. It just gives you more time to build new relationships and add to the guilt of hurting more people.

I’m procrastinating. I wonder if there’s anything after this?

damn i’m back after 14 months. broke up with my girlfriend long back, long distance wasn’t working. went out with another girl soon after, she flew back to her country. currently going out with someone else but i feel like i’m receiving mixed signals from her. confronted her regarding this a week ago and she apologized, we had dinner the other day and it was fun. but i’ve been left on seen from the past 10 hours. being the anxious and the overthinking person i am, shit like this affects me even though my rational side knows nothing is wrong. over the past 14 months, […]

I find it concerning that just like last time, the very clearly copied lies are still here, but the ones standing up to them isnt. This doesn’t exactly feel like a safe place when lies are allowed.

Maybe if I write about it, it won’t come for me tonight. I’ve been having a recurring nightmare, that I’m back in the high school I went to, and I’m as old as I am now. I turned 34 on Wednesday, and I’m starting to feel a little old. There is no way I could be mistaken for a teenager, and in the dream I am mocked by the teachers of the classes; “That’s what happens to con artists.”

I’m not convinced they are wrong. I think I was a con artist, thinking I could pull a career out of my skills and limitations. Now what […]

how come whenever i’m just existing, i have this dreadful feeling? this sinking feeling in my gut and throat that my friends don’t love me, my parents dislike me, and the world is better off with me dead? i could be happy one moment, then shoot myself down in my own head by reminding me on how miserable i make the people around me.

im scared of death, but i want to die. im scared of the afterlife, or the lack of one. am i a good enough person to go to heaven? one day ill die, whether it be by my hand, someone else’s hand, […]

TV and social media show us the world through filters there all people are happy all families are structured. But where are the dysfunctional people, the poorly structured families, the broken people and the Suiciders like us?

We just don’t exist but we are everywhere and bet on saying we are the majority in this world.

Everyday is a lie Everyday we live a lie. Every day is the collective delusion of the lie.

I just wish my mom would try to understand my emotional pain. I wish she would support me emotionally. I wish she would tell me she loves me. I wish she wouldn’t put me down. I wish she wouldn’t judge me. I wish she could see the hurt she causes me. I wish I could hate her. I wish and wish and wish for the impossible when it comes to her. I know full well she isn’t the type of person I wish she could be. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose, it’s more like she’s blunt and doesn’t have a filter when […]

I feel like crap.  I just left an abusive relationship.
Had to call the damn cops over a nick on my elbow – because I didn’t want this: (bite mark on my arm)

Or this:
(emotional abuse)

Or this: (isolation) -Saint Catherine of Bologna
13

will the pain ever end?

Im back again bc my wish to die came back today.

I have no family, no friends, no one. I’ve tried to do my best in life being totally alone but I got fed up of being alone and have no hope that it would change.

Loneliness is too hard to bear for so many years!

Sincerely speaking, I should live more 30 years and I cant imagine how to bear so much time of loneliness.

I was at the bus stop at like 21:30 PM when this guy came out of the bus walked by and called me a f*gg*t while walking on his way to the grocery store. Since i don’t get harassed often for being trans i was a bit taken a back by his comment i still managed to shrug it off…i’ve had a pretty good day so far so that comment was a minor inconvenience in the moment.

Then the guy came back from the grocery store and came back to the bus stop. There i saw him pissing against a tree…and the rebel in me decided […]

I went to sleep somewhat calm about the situation and woke up anxious. It’s this constant back and forth of being calm and being anxious that’s starting to grind on me right now. I’m not sure if I’m grateful for those momentary moments of calm or resentful. Being anxious all the time would be awful, but having that calm ripped away from you to go back to the worry and fear feels also terrible. It’s like a man dying of thirst that is then periodically offered a tiny sip of water and no more. Was he better off continuing to […]

i’m just so angry all the time. from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep. sometimes it’s dulled and turns into to numbness but every time i get a flashback to what he used to do to me i’m filled with this insane intense rage and i can’t escape it. i used to just be sad but that’s finally turned to anger and idk how to deal with it. i’m angry at the world, angry at him for doing all he did, angry at everyone who still believes i ‘wanted it’. i’m fucking livid with myself though. i let myself […]

I don’t want to be me anymore. The things I have in my head – it would be better if they didn’t exist in the world. I don’t think I’m capable of living a worthwhile life. And I don’t want to be this miserable pathetic wretch. But I’m scared that it won’t end with death. I’m scared to let go. And I don’t want to ruin the lives of my family.

I’ve got a younger brother, who in my house is a fucking angel child. Every fucking day I’m compared to him. Like “Oh (deadname) Why can’t you be more like your little brother! Hes younger than you! He does his chores, he cleans his room, makes his bed. Why can’t you be like him?”
I don’t fucking know! Maybe it’s because I don’t want to fucking be here. I have fucking school! “Why can’t you keep up on your chores?”, Maybe it because I don’t have the fucking energy to do anything once I’m home! I go to school, deal with freshman all fucking day, […]

hi, i’m reaching a breaking point and i just need to vent. buckle up, there’s several years worth of garbage in here, and it’ll probably be near-incomprehensible because i am both very stressed out and very tired, sorry. so i haven’t been doing well since i was twelve, but i’ve kind of brushed it off because i figured that i was too little to have any real problems, as did my mother when i brought it up to her. but it’s been a few years, and i’ve only gotten worse. almost everything makes me nervous now, i can’t just talk to my friends or leave […]