This week was a bit of a rough one. I just felt tired. I’m a bit scared to be honest. I think I’m developing another vice and that makes me scared. I don’t drink often, but I’m starting to really binge drink when I do. Part of myself wants get so drunk that I don’t even see straight. Another part of me is scared by this. The last time I really drank heavily was a little over a month ago, after I got done with the semester. Drank 5 cans of 9.5% abv. Threw up the […]

But don’t know what to say……
Whom to say….

Sorry, again here.

I had this dream, a long time ago, it feels like an age though chronologically it was a decade. Now, I could be happy with so much less, but even that meager provision remains a fantasy. This is why I lack faith, I am told of a God who can move mountains, but he thus far has not moved me to a place of safety and comfort.

The wife and I had a really good chat today about precisely what we want; simple, but it remains out of reach.

It leaves my heart heavy, that I wonder if my parents death is what I have waited on […]

My life is in a dreamlike state rn. I had dreamt of it often (in morbid moments) but now it has come to pass and is yet to register in my mind conditioned to my usual lifestyle. I’m officially a drifter now. All I own is packed in 3 bags and been 2 weeks I’m flitting aimlessly from town to city, wasting my meagre savings on the cheapest possible modes of transport, dingy hotel rooms and bad food. Writing this from an unclean double-bed in a shady lodge above a lingerie shop. It’s no bother actually. Could get a lot worse. I think by now […]

Decide for yourself. I’m only stating facts.

I lost my beloved cat in 2019, and recovery is slow in coming. He was my child, not just a cat. He was my world. This year has been difficult because I’ve been facing this situation clean and sober for the first time since his death. Drugs and alcohol only delay grief,  they don’t deflect it. When I got clean in February of last year, the pain was sitting there, patiently waiting for me, it’s job to make me wish, beg and pray for death daily this past year.  I’ve been seeing a therapist to help process the grief. […]

i cant help feeling like i might as well.. like theres no point.
i see my problems. im aware of my problems. and i cant handle them.

on the one hand i want to fall to my knees screaming “HELP ME!!!”
on the other i know nothing is going to change. i see how im going to be. how im going to feel even though youre going to say its ok.
i cant do it…. i cant handle it…..

Can depression lead to homelessness?

I always think about myself. I know some people think i care so much about others and am altruistic and stuff and I in fact need them to think that. I don’t want them to know how egocentric my thoughts actually are. Whenever I’m alone I don’t think about philosophical questions or real life problems or anything interesting, no, it’s always me me me. How am I doing? Am I getting worse or better? Do I need help? Will I screw up and start cutting again or will I manage to hold my own this time?

Lately I’m feeling too down around others, I think they […]

I broke down today. The first time in a while. It’s always in the privacy of my apartment. I have this odd tick that when it gets really bad I laugh. It always feels so forced and unreal, but it still happens. I am tired. I don’t know what I want.

For context, I’m a British American. I was born in the Uk, was raised there until I was about 10 and then moved to the US. I’m in high School, and i have a few friends, but most of them only seem to focus on the fact that I’m British.

I introduce myself, and someone comes up behind me and shouts “Yeah! Their British!!” And then that new person only seems to focus on “Wow! There is an English person in my class! Cool!” or “Ew, British.” I joke around with my friends about e being English, but i feel like i don’t have a choice. […]

This is my first post. Everything is quite disorganize and I don’t know how to present my thoughts appropriately + being intoxicated with Vodka. I apologize to all readers in advance. Really, I am sorry.

So…I am a 20ish person trying to get into a graduate program. Since the program is research related, I am in the process of writing a proposal to get into a master program.  Wrote the first draft… well that turned out as a disaster. Was told that it was too undergraduate quality. I knew I was never the smart enough for academic stuff. Even stayed behind for a year during high […]

I haven’t posted in a long time here. I don’t even have anything to say, it’s not like things are better but they don’t feel extremely worse either. I would lie if I would say that I want to be alive. I’m not planning on killing myself but I still wouldn’t complain if I randomly die in any way. Life is still hard, it’s actually really fucking hard, so if you’re reading this, I’m fucking proud of you.
That’s it I guess, have a beautiful night.

My mind goes round and round. Hope yall are having an ok night

I feel like I’ve been trying hard – at least, harder than I normally do. I’ve been working a lot. It feels good to be earning again, and for the first time it might be enough to support myself. I hate the pressure of deadlines though. There’s never enough time, and I end up rushing and making mistakes. And that leaves me feeling like crap. Because if I make too many, then maybe they’ll stop sending work my way, and then I’ll be back to square one. But also because it taps into my fundamental fear of being judged by others. If I make mistakes […]

i feel like i should just give up.
just move in and bury it all deep down and try to be ‘normal’. just tell him “you made me so happy all my problems are gone”.

i have so many problems he’s going to know that’s bullsh**.
i hate being different. i hate being me.

i feel worse trying to hide it….. ill just cut more and try to get more weed and booze, maybe idk…. i wont have a job just what he makes….. i cant use his money for that sh*t….but i hate living sober
talking about it just makes me feel bad and regretful though….

I really want to help my friends.

But I don’t know how.

And this is taking me down.

I cani’t do anything for them.

I feel useless.

Last semester. Need to finish my capstone project. Won’t graduate without it. Scared out of my mind. Don’t think it will amount to much. Need to contact my supervisor from my last internship. Need a signed letter to verify that I did it or I won’t graduate. Really it is my fault. I’ve gone back on trying not to contact her. I stopped no contact a while ago. Thing is she won’t respond. Maybe she saw my last post and got mad. Maybe it made her sad. Maybe she hates me. […]

i need you. without you my life has no purpose. i have nothing. i have no family, no friends, no home….
i know its something i can never tell you but its true…

feeling like i am about to explode
so i can’t sleep
the pressure of everything
collapsing in on me
things i haven’t done
no one taught me
i can’t seek out everything
when i don’t know how

do i think that people would remember me
a year after i stop existing?
outside of my family
i think my friends would forget me
not that i have many
a lot of buddies
but not many who would shed tears
because after being isolated all this time
no one tried to have a real conversation
only texts for contact tracing

i had a good […]