Fits of rage

I have been suffering with depression for quite some years now. It causes me to lose sleep, lose weight and takes with it my drive to get anything done. But with my depression also comes allot of anger…at times for understandable reasons and other times just for minor inconveniences.

I often experience intense fits of rage and at times i’ve broken my own belongings, more often i shout at the top of my lungs hurting myself (my left hand still hurts from last week). The rage i experience feels so intense…it feels like electricity is coursing through my head, as if i’m about to […]

I’m literally gonna explode. I want to screams so fucking bad but my family is around so I don’t arouse suspicions that something is wrong. I’m gonna have a heart attack and pills or meditation isn’t going to do shit. Even venting on here isn’t relieving it. Oh my god this so fucking painful.

I don’t want to take my meds anymore. I hope the insanity kills me

She says she wants to end it all when she’s all alone in her room
She cries
The way she feels inside is too much for her
When all you got is these four walls
It’s not that hard to feel so small

Or even exist at all
How come no one heard her when she said
Maybe I’m better off dead
If I was would it finally be enough to shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I’m better off dead
Better off dead!
Did you hear a […]

a blade, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and her. they’re always there, they mark me, stop me from being happy. being happy gives you something to lose. i like having nothing to lose, i can do whatever i want and i won’t care about other people’s opinions, theirs don’t stand a chance against my own anyway. i forget about the hate i have for myself. because at the end of the day, i’m just gonna burn it out of me.

i deserve it anyway apparently, to be scarred for life

Love makes us truly human.

Hi again everyone, never thought I would write this title

I really thought I’ve found the love of my life almost 3 years ago, we were going to get married in 6 months, then he suddenly told me that he didn’t love me anymore 2 weeks ago, that I wasn’t his best friend and that he cheated on me with this girl from work. He told me horrible thing and treated me so badly, now he tells me that he loves her and they are together.

I cant Express the hurt I am feeling, I am not able to wish this on anyone. Today he told me […]

The world tells us so many things, feeds us plenty of lies, and way too much bullshit.

I’m so sick of being sexualized for wearing a plain shirt with bra straps underneath. God forbid, I’m a woman, and GOD FORBID I wear a bra.

I’m tired of being catcalled on the sidewalk while walking home from the library by 30 year old white men yelling “nice tits” out the car window. I’m sixteen you creeps. Catcalling, is trying to humiliate you, reinforce their own dominance over you; it’s a way of trying to say, “hey, I’m able to tear you down and say what I want about […]

I overthink things horribly.

Take tomorrow, 9/11. I thought its going to be everywhere! Im better off avoiding social media tomorrow. Instant defense mode. well thats offensive!! im sure we can all hear someone saying, possibly you yourself is thinking that. But no, no its not. Let me explain. Those that forget the mistakes of the past are bound to repeat it. And i agree. But theres personal mistakes and then bigger mistakes like ww2, 9/11 (these are just examples ive heard in life. Seems more like a scare tactic in these cases to me) how can a person possibly remember all of that. But we cant […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

or take advantage.
I hate humans.
People are such selfish bastards.

i don’t know where my emotions start and my emptiness ends.

all i do is try to find them at the bottom of a bottle. hoping they’ll show up. they never do. maybe that’s all i’m good for, drinking myself into oblivion.

why do i keep putting myself through this? life, i mean. it’s completely meaningless.

‘what happened that makes you want to die?’ ha, like i’d tell you

‘what ways do you think of killing yourself? nice try

‘suicide isn’t the answer’ you don’t know the fucking question

How am I here yet?

It’s been years since I dont want to be here anymore.

I lost the will to live.

Yesterday I cried very much. All this again. It’s been years of this suffering!

I dont believe in life,try again and all this shit.

I shouldnt even be typing this with the fear that hes watching me…. I hope thats just paranoia….

I plan on having 1 more therapy appointment. As much as i hate to, im pushing forward with life and i really dont know why. Thing is, my friend is suppose to meet me there.

The problem?

Where the fuck do i begin.

I guess a good place to start is the first sentence. I dont want to know what my husbands going to say, it honestly scares me…..but thats why i have to do this, right? Because i shouldnt be living like this? I cant let him find out. I […]

I hate everyone
I hate everything
Why am I called a coward for wanting to end my suffering?
Why does my pain not matter to anyone?
Why doesn’t anyone understand?
Why do I hate life so much?
Why does life hate me?
Why can’t I catch a fucking break?
What’s it gonna take?
Where’s God?
Why isn’t he helping?
Will they finally understand after I die?
Will God understand?
Is God real?
It’s like a stone in the pit of my stomach
I can’t get rid of it
The tears
The pain
The immense sadness that no one sees
FUCK
All i wanted […]

It’s been weeks(?). I think about future possibilities and………

Honestly?

I just want to be laid to rest. I just want this all to stop. I just want to take my last breath.

Maybe i should go for a walk…..

Have some alone time with my rope….

Imagine you outliving everyone around you. Watching the people you care about, friends, family, all die one by one until you’re the only one left. Now you’re all alone. That’s why old people are so depressed and suicidal. I’m so young yet I feel like I lived for an eternity. I’m not suicidal all the time but somedays I’m like fuckkkk. I have to do this shit again?

little carry on from my last post, i had a thought. i said in my last post i hate talking. conversations about meaningless bullshit are exactly that in my opinion, meaningless and bullshit. i was thinking if i knew any of you in real life i could finally talk to someone and not get those dumb pity eyes. i’d hopefully be understood. and hopefully you would too. i like deep chats, not really about feelings, because who knows how to comprehend and actually talk about those, i mean talking about biggest fears, dreams i’ll never live to see come true, conspiracy theories and all those […]

hating yourself comes in various shapes and sizes. for some people it’s just hating their acne. i envy those people. i wish i could only hate on my looks. not gonna lie, i’m a decent looking 17 year old girl. i get attention where it’s really not wanted but hey? men trying to grope you and ‘friends’ trying to take advantage of you while drunk is better than nothing right? but with me, i hate my mind. i’m sure a lot of you can relate to that. my mind is a mansion filled with hatred, hostility, venom and apathy. that’s probably where i differ from […]