I sit here, most of the day, thinking, trying to raise the will power to do anything at all.

Some ideas of mine seem rather harmful, likely to bring me more pain in time. One of them is smoking cannabis, my dependence on it has expanded past where I am okay with. The big granddaddy of them all is alcohol. I used to be a casual rare user of it, but in these past few months, I’ve found comfort in it more than once. It killed my grandfather. It’s killed many more.

So I end up getting up ready to make a drink, and thinking to myself; […]

My family loves me so much and the idea of them having to deal with my suicide is the one thing that has kept me from killing myself for years. I know how lucky I am to have people who care about me and who love me but I don’t think I can go on like this. The idea of causing them that level of pain literally turns me into a sobbing panicking wreck but I don’t know what other option I have. I can’t keep going like this. I want to drive them away from me. I want no one to love me and […]

might sound dumb but how many of you drink a lot of coffee or caffeinated drinks? It helps me get out of bed in the morning but lately the afternoon crash is brutal. I mean like intense suicidal urges lasting all through the night. Morning comes, repeat the cycle. I’m not taking any other drugs or alcohol.

Ive quit for long stretches and my suicidal thoughts & panics lessen in severity. but depression is just as thick as ever so I always go back to that morning coffee to get myself out of bed.

seems crazy to think something as widely used and safe as coffee would […]

Maybe the word is used up, but it has been a peculiar day, I dare call it weird.

When I woke up, it was an hour from when I had to leave, and basicly psyched myself up; get through today, then deal with the rest. This is for my first full day of training, at a job I am seven years overqualified for.  A job where the people we help are only an economic rung lower than myself. A job where I’m supposed to prevent suicide.

I don’t know how that’s going to roll out, me being suicidal myself. Not that anyone has figured out, but you’d […]

I feel no joy, no excitement. I know I’m supposed to and I know how to act the part – it’s not even a conscious choice, I do it by default. Big smile yes of course I’m happy and grateful and excited, of course I’m having fun, enjoying myself. But all I really feel is emptiness. And noone can know. I have to function, just keep functioning, one day after another. I need it to stop, I just need everything to stop but I’m trapped: I can never make my way out of this prison I can’t do that to the people who love me. […]

If you’ll have to live forever in unthinkable pain, enduring every bit of negative thoughts of every person on earth, for the world to be bright and beautiful, complete utopia, would you do it?

For the last week I’ve intentionally not reached out to anyone to see who actually cared. Nobody called, nobody texted, not even my parents. I sit in my room all day. I don’t eat, the day is over in an instant it seems. I can’t talk to anyone so now I have conversations with myself sometimes without realising. I savour any bit of human interaction I have, constantly replaying it in my head, picturing it, repeating what I said in those conversations word-for-word with the same mannerisms and expressions to distract myself from the loneliness. Every day I see people I used to know going […]

I’m not wrong

I still don’t quite believe it.

I have bpd and we’re known for remembering the bad memories more…. Maybe it is just me….

But I’ve been sitting here for days with my friends remembering things. What’s in the attached post isn’t even everything

It can’t be true…. Can it?

I’ve been reading through different things on narcissism, i still don’t believe it….

Sometimes I think I’m getting better because I forget that I want to die.

It’s not that I don’t want to die anymore, I’ve just forgotten that I want to.

But then I remember and I’m back to the start again. Does the urge ever go away? Will it be like this forever?

I never really figured out how to be ok with intensely wanting something that you can’t have. The kind of desire that feels most crucially fundamental, where a part of you just yells “Yes! This is what life is all about! This is all you need to focus on!” I never learned how to let go of those feelings, how to accept reality and move on.

I’ve seen other people do it constantly throughout my life. Seen them subconsciously recognise that they’re not going to get anywhere with a desire, accept that fact, and refocus. Seen them find happiness by adjusting their expectations, by letting […]

I want to fucking die. I want to fucking die now. I am in so much pain. Drank a half bottle of booze, sat in a running car in my garage and FUCK THESE NEW CARS, the piece of fucking shit did not give off enough C02 to kill me. God fucking damn it, I just want to fucking die.

easy is easier 🙁

I’m positive it’s best for everyone if I don’t move anyway…..

I’m just a burden.

I want to undo everything I’ve been working hard to fix. Why not?

I want to cut, drink, huff npr, smoke up, go on the chat. I want to destroy everything

Maybe loosing you is for the best

How many times have you said “i give up”?
How many times have you cried?
How many times have you kill your mind?

How many times have you hurt yourself?

When will you stop?

Always lost in the dark, never gave an effort to find light.
Covered in marks, never even bothered to fight.
Worthless, useless, incapable, dissociated.
Every negative words invented, you describe yourself with them.

You are a sad person. And you anchor down the people around you.
You worry about every single thing around you.
You cry at every inconvenient thing that happens.
People pity you. You pity yourself.
Never had dreams, because you’re untalented.
Your own mother doesn’t even like you.
Your father hates […]

dear no one,

i’ve been feeling down lately. actually, scratch that. i’ve been feeling down since i was 14 or so; i just never acknowledged or realized it. it’s a mixture of deep sadness and gut-wrenching anxiety every fucking day. i can’t even cry anymore. 

you see, when i was young, i wanted to be an artist. i used to draw a lot, and even receive praises and compliments from others who look at my craft (thanks, pa. i hope you’re resting in heaven). i believed i can draw. when i went to college to become a creative artist as an advertising student, turns out, i only know […]

I’m going to kill myself soon.

though I say soon I do not have a certain date in mind.
I’ve been trying to connect with God but I’m not very loved by him.
I’ve been trying to distract myself but I’m not very motivated.
why do I have this heavy feeling in my chest, haven’t I had enough of life already? or is it human to fear death? if it is I don’t want to be human anymore.

I hate everything, though it’s not as bad as it used to be, I don’t want to live with my past […]

When i was a kid i always looked up to my cousin. she was beautiful and perfect and smart. When she was 18 she time her life. 4 years later we just passed the anniversary of her death and now i’m 18. I feel the same way she felt. I’m just exhausted. I have mock exams after i get back from christmas break but all i can think about is how much i just want to sleep and forget about school.

I liked this boy. I thought that he liked me back but he didn’t and i don’t know why but in my head i keep […]

i keep going in circles. i’m fine but i’m really not. so many things have changed in the last few months and i’m scared of the future. what i’ll do. who will i be? sometimes i think back to when i was younger. carefree. but now i’m not. i have really important exams coming up and it’s just too stressful.

I love music so I thought I’d make you a playlist.
You’ll probably never see it but thats ok, its not for you

Honestly some of these songs I question if I’m over-reacting.
But then I remember that I truly do want to leave, and that I truly do feel you won’t make that easy for me…..

I want to believe you. I want to believe this isn’t true….. but I wouldn’t spend my time crying alone if it wasn’t

(im probably not done adding to this)

Narcissist – Avery Anna
You’re Exhausting – Beth Crowley
Wolf in Sheeps Clothing – Set It Off
Wanted You Too – Hailey […]

Browsing this site I found an hour or 2 ago, it’s nice. Finally people who understand not being understood, who can come together in suffering and share their sorrow without agonizing pity but understanding of shared strife. I’ll stick around and talk to people, worth a shot anyhow.

Nothing else is working, doubt the pills ever worked in the first place. Plus the mental health system is so backed up I won’t get an opportunity to get a better understanding of my kind of struggles sooner than this site here.

Stranded without a way to die. I shouldn’t be allowed to live. Can i walk around in handcuffs and a sign on my head to let everyone know that I’m the one to blame? I want to die, I want to die, not that strongly, I’m a step away from losing the fight but I can’t make the step. I want to die I want to die I want to die. Nobody on this site responds at any of my things because I’m just that disgusting. I can’t maintain the facade, I can’t live my life relying only on the happiness of others I can’t […]