the lower i fall the more constructive i get.

today i had a very weird day. i slept quite well and woke up confused with a blank mind. eventually, after few hours, i started to wonder what happened, what would normally end up in my mind if it didn’t go blank.

i recalled, that yesterday, before falling asleep, after about an hour of thinking, i concluded, that i could still kill myself, solely in an act of rebellion against fate and myself.

so then, when […]

I really want to go. Yeah I’ve made up my mind. But I’ll have to keep existing in the meantime.
I look forward to nothing in this life, nothing nothing nothing.
At least I have my mum.

I created an imaginary boyfriend. Yeah I’m pathetic.

I suppose it doesn’t matter much. It won’t make a difference if I do it right or wrong because there won’t be anyone to notice. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it does it make a sound? If a lonely person dies and no one notices did they really live?

What is there to live for?

I wish my life didn’t suck so much.

I don’t have anything- bad health, little money, no job (disabled), no purpose, no partner, no real friends, I’m all alone with no reason to go on living other than the fact that we can’t easily and painlessly take our own lives.

I can’t enjoy anything bc I’m too sick to! Every day I wake up tired and fatigued, little energy to do anything. Can barely do the basics (shower, brushing teeth, etc) without feeling wiped out. And no, I have physical issues so it’s not just “go out for a walk, go exercise, go be […]

So Gary doesnt want me. He more than likely sees me as a freeloader since i said i was tryin to get on disability. No mf, because ive had 5 diff jobs in 1 yr thanks to my paranoia!!!! Im gettin older and my mental illness gets crazy at times n i cant afford to lose more jobs n be discriminated against so ssi is there for a safety net reason!!! Not so i can sit at home forever. Fml im so tired of men and their assumptions of me, treatin me like sh*t, makin me begged to be loved because apparently im unloveable cuz […]

I came out of the closet about my schizoaffective disorder to a few people. 2 guys im interested, 1 hasnt said anything n i think i scared him. The other is accepting of it. Told my sons step mom in case my sons therapist asked about family history. Im not in denial. I know i will make or break a situationship. But i shouldnt be punished for somethin i cant physically control. I am on the shots, im seein a therapist and a case manager and prescriber. So i am gettin help to get better. But the ignorant people will believe what they want. This […]

I am slowly dying.
Dying from the inside out.
I’ve lost my purpose, desires, goals. OOMPH.
I feel I am but a clump of dirt, or sand, simply whisked away when the wind blows.

It is a horrible feeling, when you’ve lost who you were.
What am I now? Nothing. At least nothing functional. Nothing happy. Nothing resembling the ME that I once was. There is no more spark. Only a zombie remains.

I have tried to get it back for years, but after 15 years, not only have I not been able to get it back, but that light […]

on Wed, 14 Jul 2021 14:14:42 GMT, something happened to this site, and it introduced a number of glitches, the worst of ones is that the box to enter the title disappeared from the main post editing form. it may be some incompatibility with favpress, but i have never played with wordpress so i don’t exactly know what’s going on.

still unable to make titles on posts.
SP ADMINS: please fix, thanks.

-edit:
i finally tried a workaround a commenter posted below, but it shouldn’t be this complicated just to put a title on our posts.
-edit:
also unable to show paragraph breaks in our posts on the main SP page. it will show when we are editing it and when you click on our post, but not on the main page. It shows everyone’s posts without the paragraph breaks, so all our words appear to be one long paragraph.

i am 30 years old from New york queens. Gambling ruined my life along with a toxic relationship that completely sucked out my personality and changed me. Because of gambling, depression, and that relationship i now literally have no personality. I feel like i make people uncomftorable being around me because im always quite and barely talk and people notice that they tell me. Anyways ive been thinking about suicide for years im done living this way. im done being depressed and lonely and feeling misunderstood. I am officially done waking up everyday wanting to end my life and falling asleep everyday wanting to end […]

Everything in my life seems to be going great. I am looking at colleges and can go wherever I want pretty much because we can afford it so i’m very lucky in that way, I have a job where i’m outside doing physical labor which I love, my friends are great and I have very close meaningful relationships. Yet despite all of this just because of one girl my entire world seems to be falling apart. It has been what seems like 5 months since we broke up, but I just can’t find that sense of comfort I had in that relationship. At this point […]

Yeah, basically I’m sick of being sick. I don’t want my life anymore. I don’t want to talk about it, I know it can’t change. I don’t want someone telling me I’m loved or wanted because it’s a fucking lie.

I have no one. These support lines are bullshit. All I want is a fast way out of my body. I don’t want to be here anymore.

I keep reading articles about people successfully completing and I just want to know how they did it. Am I stupid for not knowing how? Am I just a coward? How hard is it […]

Three weeks ago, on July 4th, I published a good-bye post here as I prepared to take my life. Obviously, I didn’t do it.

To be blunt, I chickened out. After postponing for two days due to rain, I just lost my nerve. I was afraid of the pain. I planned to hang myself, and the pain of asphyxiation terrified me. Of course, I was afraid of death itself as well. Even when the death was my choice, I still feared it.

I’m planning to try it again. I’ve found a painless way to do it this time, which will be ready in a few days. Yet, […]

Coping mechanism

My depression has manifested from a long list of problems i have in my life and often feels too overwhelming to deal with. Although my depression is hard to deal with, i do try to cope with my depression as best as i can by indulging in my usual hobby’s (playing guitar, piano and writing songs).

But since a year ago i gained a perhaps peculiar interest…i became interested in mathematics as a hobby! Never thought it would spark my interest since i have not had proper math lessons during elementary and high school. I was never properly taught how to do fractions, percentages, long […]

I’m considering leaving this website , it doesn’t look I get any benefits by talking with suicidal or unsuisidal people at all , I will consider other options , what I realised is that talking is the worst way out when it comes to suicide issues ,  at least for me , sign off.

::going through the motions::

Today it occurs to me that my heart isn’t in anything these days. I applied for some jobs this week, not that such a thing would solve my problems, but money is the fuel that makes my world go. I need quite a bit of it to buy my freedom.

My parents are cutting down how much they help me. Accountability they say, I know what it is, they want me to go earn an income. I would if I knew how folks, but I don’t, and am very frustrated at the disproportionate punishment such ignorance brings. I studied for six years, did […]

It is time for the  media controlled by regressive thinkers and billionaires to shut up , this also apply to the regressive people who don’t have problem to lose years of their lifes and freedom in their luxury houses , it is not a surprise that the icu overwhelmed in certain seasons , death rate by covid is high  only when you are old or have immune system problems , so if there is lockdowns or someone support them stay at home while we are the others taking decisions about our health , we are capable human beings don’t need politics to control every aspect  […]