And I have returned.

Is it a drug almost? The thought that someone on this merciful site understands.

Since my previous posts, the situation has changed significantly. But the memories hold me here, they bring me back. I remember all to well my days of pain.  I am numb now nearly, or more callous I should say, I take what I can now, but I refuse to beg for more. I am arguably better, happier. I wasn’t thinking about suicide. But here I am, over one year I kept away, yet here I am. Only the MEMORY, the vague shadow, of my pain.

I still think it’s true, […]

The doctors are giving me to many meds. I like to call them “crazy pills”. It puts a grimace on my mothers face when I say it. The meds make me feel slow, like my brain isn’t working at 100%

They released me from Eating Disorder Treatment. Apparently I’m “fixed” now. I sure as hell don’t feel fixed yet. Today I didn’t eat lunch. If I want to stare, who has the control to  stop me? Just because I’m a minor does that mean I have absolutely no right make choices for myself? I actually feel guilty for lying to my parents about lunch. Shvile

It’s been a few weeks since I last came on here, since I last hurt myself. I’m doing okay and even though life is getting harder on me, I’m still kicking and screaming. I’m not doing ‘great’ but I’m alright with just saying I’m ‘okay’. Helluva lot better than being in my rut.

I try to convince myself that suicide is so easy. I just hit a vein & im gone. But everyday I try to look at positives. Like everyone here. I love all of you guys already and I know nothing about any of you. The comments I receive are incredible. They honestly get me going even if its for a minute. Dont destroy your lives. Im trying for you guys and you should do the same. Hold my hand. The world is bullshit but we are all better than it all <3 you guys are amazing. Thank you so much. My “family” cant even make […]

It’s a Monday night and I’m sitting here staring at this page.  Thinking where to begin.  Thinking how to start.  What have I done today?  The same thing it feels like I do every day.  Nothing.

I don’t know why I’m doing this.  It isn’t anything I’d normally do.  The truth is, I’ve always been content to sit back and absorb whatever came to me.  Bottling up my own problems to avoid burdening others.  It wasn’t like anyone ever wanted to listen, anyway.  So I throw myself upon the anonymity of the Internet in the vain hope that I don’t burst.

Maybe I should start at the […]

“Although depression can occur at any age, it affects teens more than younger children. Depressive symptoms may start appearing around age 13, and often peaks between 16 and 24. Yet depression can be difficult to diagnose in young people, because symptoms seldom involve mood alone. One study concluded that fewer than half of teen patients suffered mainly from depressive symptoms. More often, they developed a mix of mood and behavioral problems, for example, agitation, anxiety, attention difficulties, or defiant behaviors.”
© 1998-2013 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education […]

The title. I am in no mood or state of mind for SP tonight.
So i really should’t post this. BUt i don’t care i just want to runawey.
I can’t be here anymore i can’t take it. Please help me escape this.
I don’t want to kill myself. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

im curious what it is people do when feeling they want to kill themselves. i mean most of us feel suicidal, but we find a spurt of hope and thats why were all still here; especially on this website. can someone reach out to me and help? i would love to kill myself, but i want to attempt to help myself before giving up

Okay, well everything first started when I was in 8th grade, I got accepted into this really awesome school and I was so happy that they would even accept me But when the time came to go I got freaked out. My mom told me that I was making a huge mistake when I left the school and I kind of knew I was . Well now I’m at this really shitty public high school and I feel like such a moron And to make matters worse every time I ask my parents to please take me out of it they remind me of my […]

i wish i didn’t have to end my life over a boy. i never thought i would be the type of girl, depending on her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) to guide her through her life. deciding wether to let her live or make her die. The choice was decided about 9:30 last night. while i was being ignored for hours on end, i couldnt take it anymore. a sad girl being ignored does not make a happy ended. i cut both my hips and carved “i love you” on one hip bone and “im sorry” on the other. even if i did send him a picture of […]

Last year when I was 13 I thought people actually cared about me but then I realized that even my family doesn’t care about me.my sister who is 26 told me if I keep on cutting myself that I would get put in a mental institution and said I don’t have an excuse to be depressed. She said I’m ungrateful, I’m weak and I need to grow up. No one actually cares, people say they do but in the end they leave you when you need them the most. My sister has given up on trying to help me, she said that I have to change or […]

I don’t have any fight left in me. I’m tired and this is not how I want things to be! I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of shouting, I’m tired of cutting, just being alive is draining because when I open my eyes I realize that as much as I want things to change, they won’t. And I’ve said this to people over and over: “I feel defeated! There’s no more fight in me!” but you tell me to buck up, cheer up and face a new day. Keeping holding on? I’ve been holding on and I’ve been the strong one, but […]

This is the second night in a row where i have had a rough night and I find myself crying again. I hate feeling this way. I want my family to realise i am hurting and dont like how they treat me. Most of my friends are from online that shows how bad and worthless of a person i am.

I’ve always split depression into two types. The numb type of feeling nothing, then the crushing and unbearable pain. The first kind I had when I was a lot younger. The second has gone on for the last few years, and how can I explain the darkness of looking ahead to carrying it further. I’ve been seeing doctors for 16 years. I was first hospitalized 11 years ago, and last hospitalized exactly one year ago. If I had known 11 years ago, I wouldn’t be out of the same place mentally, but worse, I don’t think I could have handled that fact. I’m 29 now […]

All of my life, I’ve been told that if I told anyone how I was feeling that I would get taken away from my family.

All of my life, I’ve been told that suicide is for the weak and no one will mourn me when I die.

All of my life, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own body. My father told me that I was his property. Not a person, but only a piece of property. I wasn’t ever abused physically or sexually, but mentally I have been. I’ve been confused and tricked by my own father to tears, just for his amusement. I was […]

I see what’s coming. I know what will happen. And i know i will do everything to avoid it and still it will happen. That’s the impact of her words (my mom’s). Or does she see through my soul?

Why did i have to meet you?  Why did I fall in love only to have my heart crushed?  Was it just one more thing to confirm my decision?  I guess that is what I have to believe…It would have been so much easier not knowing you, not believing I was loved, not feeling happy again before its over.  But it was a facade.  Now I lay here crying knowing I have given all my love and energy to someone who just took it for granted and can’t understand the significance of someone loving you unconditionally and giving you everything and leaving nothing for themselves. […]

Ive been on Prozac, Lexapro, Saphris (it made me manic) and one more in between I can’t remember, I am trying to keep it together with 450 Wellbutrin 200 Zoloft. I am sick of taking them. I tried to ween off the Zoloft and I was crying uncontrollably. I want to just fall asleep and not wake up, I think about it every day. I stay in my cave all day trying to nap with the TV on.
I am waiting for my parents and my dogs to pass away, then it’s my turn. I don’t want to make my parents sad. A lot of […]

Dear Ones,

I, too, have felt suicidal, but I have also found hope of change. Having found it, I would like to pass it on for whatever help it may be. This is the first offering.

One of the difficulties is the lack of insight into why the nightmares come. Why? Others seem to get on ok, even thrive, but not me. I can not cope. How, if it is possible, can I come to a new perspective? If the “how” can be answered, I was very certain the why will also be resolved. A Course in Miracles has shown me how.

I was drawn to A Course […]

godamn these past few days i’ve been feeling SOOO fucking depressed.. it’s weird and it’s really bad..

even in this past year.. when I was moping or whatever.. it was ok, I was still getting with girls.. or there was always something that was contradicting my feelings.. but this is some real shit.. this is how i felt when I was 16.. quiet, depressed and low on confidence..

I kept on thinking about suicide and I actually was considering it.. though I don’t think I would ever have the balls to.. but I feel like 27 is the threshold age for people who deal with this kinda […]