I dreamt of a cub last night… they were very upset with me. It’s been a while. I wonder if they’re okay.
Could they let me know how they’re doing? It’s okay if not, I understand. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.

We are not allowed to have chargers in our room so I have to give my laptop to the nurses station to charge.   I’ve shown them several times how to set it up to charge and several times they have not done it right so no charge.    How hard is it to plug in a laptop?   Yesterday I asked them to bring everything into my room and I plugged it in and placed it on the docking station and made sure it locked in place and bingo, it was charging.    they took it back and were able to repeat the same process and […]

I feel awful all the time and I don’t know why. Nothing seems real anymore, its like I never truly feel anything. Even when I interact with people in my life, it all seems like my experiences mean nothing to me anymore, instead everything seems so hollow (even though it seems like nothings changed.) I spend most of my days studying, exercising and reminiscing on past experiences for they felt so much more meaningful and REAL. Yet I don’t understand why I feel this way, I haven’t lost anyone nor have any major circumstances changed since then, so why I do feel so empty now. […]

Does anyone else wonder what it must be like to be normal? I thought I was normal once, turns out I was wrong, now I’m curious how that must feel. Plans, goals, friends, family, are things just that much easier when you aren’t fucked up?

the easy way out. it’s tempting. I don’t know. but i cannot step foot out of this house without thinking about my family.. about they might feel. I don’t want to leave them with my selfish decision. I don’t know what i want… but it seems so easy.

I’m tired. I’m so done. I want to kill myself because of how much of a failure I’ve become. My mother is mad at me and is ignoring me. My father doesn’t really talk to me much. My friends never text me anymore, only when i text them. Im failing classes. I don’t see a point in being alive anymore when everything around me is falling apart. I’m so tired of having to live. I’ve been trying to make everyone around me (in my household + coworkers) believe that I’m 100% and that nothing can phase me.. but I’m so broken to the point it […]

I should really stop coming here as often as I am now. I have been coming her for the better part of 5 years. There are times when I won’t post for months at a time, and other times where it becomes a thing every other day or so. I kind of want to go back to the former, but for right now I feel like the latter. Anyways I was just thinking about the baggage that’s sitting at the corner of the room. I did a coin flip to see if I should just get rid of it, but […]

I feel like I haven’t done anything with my life and that others have accomplished more than I have and live happier, more fulfilling lives. Everyone else is already engaged in and/or good at multiple things. But me? I waste all of my time and get nothing of importance accomplished. And I can’t stop because I lack motivation and nothing I do feels important. People always say that I’m a really smart kid but that’s bullshit. Maybe I was, but that would’ve been a long time ago, before I became an absolute failure of a human being. I’m not good at anything. My […]

I laid in bed last night thinking everything over. The different pros and cons of different places I would do it. The pros and cons of how I do it. I did some research and I think I’ve settled on a method and a place. Now I’m just waiting for the time. I’ve made my amends and I’ve come to terms with everything and this is the conclusion I’ve come to:

I don’t care who finds me, nor do I care what happens after I’m gone. I don’t care how this will affect the area, nor do I care about the people I’ll be leaving behind. […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

so i got thru the Ordeal™ of my partner’s birthday party and then their actual birthday. still healing from my freakout on the day of the party (legs all fucked up, can’t do most of my stretches rn), but that was an expected side effect. less expected side effect: started drinking again, despite the cals. dunno how long i’ll get to keep it before the weight shit outweighs the benefit.

took some selfies for the first time since 2020. considering posting one here like ElleInWi did.

Not so good sleep night last night.    Got about 4 hours per my CPAP machine.   Still in the Mental health unit of the local hospital until at least Monday when I may be transferred to a Residential facility.  Who knows because I have been getting the run around on the subject of bed availability. given my luck with sleep, medications and low blood pressure this week I am not counting on anything.

This evening the medication nurse managed to piss me off.     I have had a bad foot so walking has been a problem.   Yesterday I did make it out to three group therapy […]

…

I think I would rather take a bullet in the head than stand another minute in this place.

(Earth)

I’m so tired I would hit the ground like a slate of marble if it all hit at once

Let’s be honest here: we’re all screwed up as humans. The modern world moves at the speed of light, and we lose more and more of what really matters. We take pills to sleep and be happy. We talk to strangers about our feelings. We hide ourselves away online. We text instead of call. More and more, we’re disconnected from people and community.

So, here we are with another decade. What BS will come out of this one? Work-life balance is one from 2010s that circulated a lot. There’s always been this sort of crap in ever decade since the 1960s (if we’re thinking about being […]

I’ve never been homeless. I’ve never been an orphan. However I am emotionally homeless, as I have yet to find a place that completely feels like home. Although I am still grateful for how close I’ve come to feeling home. I am emotionally an orphan, as those that I thought were my parents… Never really loved me. Although I am still grateful for the family I have made.

I am emotionally homeless. I am emotionally an orphan. And it still hurts. While I will not compare it to actually being as I have never been, that does not make the pain I feel from both any […]

Just read over my YouTube comment history and realized how bad my personality disorder is

i’m writing a paper and i just realized i’d rather be dead than doing this. i’ve written just over a page in twelve hours bc i can’t concentrate and it’s such a stupid reason to want to die?? bc i can’t focus and get distracted like a fucking squirrel or something? and now instead of writing my paper i’m putting all this time and effort into making this account and venting to no one bc i don’t know how to tell my mom that i want to die so fucking bad bc i can’t write this paper that i’ve been procrastinating for a week bc […]

as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by death. Not usually so much in that I will die someday, though I always supposed that I would. I lost a caregiver at a young age. For some reason it still bothers me that no one told me she was sick until she was already gone. She was my great aunt, and is probably responsible more than anyone wants to talk about for who I became. She was an opera singer, spent a few years doing that in Germany, then settled down with her lawyer husband. Her daughter couldn’t have kids of her own, so […]

Light at the end of the tunnel for my depression is still non existent.   I feel like I just should of gone through with my plan.   the only thing that stopped me was keeping a promise to my wife who had told me 2 days before that she was leaving me,  go figure.     There is light at the end of the tunnel for a plan after I leave here.    I will be going to a residential facility for about two weeks or as long as the insurance allows.    After that I am planning to do EMBR therapy with my therapist here.    […]