How? I don’t know. I just have this feeling… I know I deserve to feel better. But I don’t like feeling better. It feels like I’m forcing myself to feel better just so I can meet my parents expectations.

I try to tell myself… “I’m fine”. I seem fine from another person’s perspective, I think. More or less. Or maybe not… I don’t know. I feel wrong. I still have thoughts about… well. “What if I just tripped and fell down the stairs, “By accident”. Nobody would miss me, right?” “In 5 years? In 20 years? Will it be anything different than if I just, ACCIDENTALLY happen […]

How fake and plastic everything is? I was on YouTube, and there was this “Humans of Earth Day” promotion. I didn’t see people doing things for their community and helping create sustainability. I saw people selling “sustainable” products (=expensive), showing off about fooling people with plant based meat alternatives, and bragging about how Green and Vegan they are. I felt so frustrated and demoralized. This is constant. The Internet has made us all plastic. We don’t DO anything. We just compete for attention. Those videos were made for views, likes, and subscriber counts. There was nothing honest about it. It’s all mindless bragging and showmanship. […]

Opened up YouTube (not logged in) and this was in my face. Decided to give it a listen then decided to share.

Found a new word today. I’m sure everyone can relate : Urban Dictionary: post-suicidal

So I had to split from my ex wife with BD/BPD again after 4 months and I made the mistake of texting her yesterday and telling her I will unblock her in a year. Well I let her text me back and got a big pity party from her like usual. I know she was trying to suck me back in and she is good at it. I had to block her then again. I haven’t got past it yet and can’t stop thinking about her. All the pain came back on me also. She is very good at the intermittent reinforcement and I feel […]

I seem to be on a never ending alienate spree towards my friends. I keep reminding myself to stop unloading my emotional drama baggage in their inboxes but i cant seem to stop myself. Almost like 1 of those social vampires and then like a dumbass i wonder why no1 will talk to me. Like dammit just stop it, stop what you are doing, you are killing them (not literally). But a part of me is on autopilot and is like well since we are at rock bottom lets just keep going til we see hell. I just feel so sorry for any1 who tries […]

I’ve been a lurker on this site for a while, and just now decided to post. I don’t know how many other “helpful” sites I’ve been to that tell me to think positively. Get out there and do your best. You just need to keep trying. I just want to scream SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! I don’t want your platitudes! I don’t want your fortune cookie nonsense! I want to be heard! I want to be seen! JUST LISTEN TO ME! I’m in pain. I’m lost. I’m confused. I feel hopeless. BECAUSE I AM HUMAN!!!! AND I FEEL PAIN!! I […]

I spend a large part of each day trying to remember why I’m still alive. It slips away from me so fast, and all I’m left with is the nagging sense that everything is wrong. The isolation, the loneliness, the longing, the fear. Things are not ‘ok’, and it’s unlikely they will ever be ‘ok’ again. They’re just not bad enough (yet) to overcome the terror of death. And until that changes, all I can do is prepare, and try to make things as easy for myself as I can. The problem is keeping that clear in my mind, when a large part of my […]

never in my life have I found a community like this one, a community so unapologetically open about their pain.  it’s such a breath of fresh air.  i feel.. so much less alone when i read & write here.  the ability to share my story, my struggles, my feelings, and my trauma here has saved me.  the thing about trauma is that it’s so taboo, i can never talk about it.  i have to keep it shoved away in a lock box- but not here.  here i can scream, and cry, and experience my unrelenting rage with no shame.  here, i get to struggle.

i get […]

This Sunday, it will be one whole month since the day that I thought would be my last. I got prescribed a drug by my therapist this Monday. Olanzapine, I’m supposed to take it every night. It feels weird. I thought that taking medicine would make me feel even worse but now I don’t really care, I just swallow the pill.

If anything, I miss having a normal life. I miss being able to call someone and have fun whenever I wanted to. I miss studying. I miss having something to do, and people to care about. I know my limits, though… I won’t try to […]

I’m literally getting closer and closer to doing it. My plan was to graduate college first, but God damn it, I’m this close to saying fuck it and just throwing myself off of a building. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so fucking tired of being alive, putting effort into shit that doesn’t make me even mildly content. I’d say I wonder how everybody else does it, but I can’t muster up the desire to care. I don’t care about anything anymore.

I go through my days miserable. Sometimes I’m considering if it would really be all that easy to step in front […]

Sleep evades me tonight.    It is almost two in the morning so it is either a late day eight or an early day nine.   Luck evades me as well.      I complained about the sleep and requested the prescribed medication.   However when they took my blood pressure it was too low for them to allow the medication.     Not mad at the nurses.   They are doing their best to help.  Just mad at the overall situation still.

Even though it looks like I have  a plan for two to  three weeks of residential treatment when I get out of here and EMBR therapy when […]

Why do you cut?

To feel pain. I hate myself. I deserve it. I shouldn’t be alive.

Why do you drink/smoke up?

To stop feeling. The pain hurts too much.

Getting lost in the music….

i’m going to scream all i’ve been doing for the past three days (between meltdowns+panic attacks) is scrubbing and cleaning to prepare for my partner’s birthday (because only three days ago he told me that we are hosting the party instead of having it at H’s house like usual) and it’s been physically exhausting and sensory hell and i’ve been perpetually soaked in filthy water.

usually i get up and then 2 or 3 hours later he wakes up but H is picking the both of us up an hour before i usually get up which means i’ll need to wake him up before she comes […]

I hate being awake I hate being asleep I hate being tired I hate eating I hate not eating I hate sweating I hate being wet I hate being damp I hate being dirty enough to taste it on my hands I hate being dirty enough to get another infection I hate not cutting I hate being caught cutting I hate when people talk to me I hate when people talk about me I hate when people see me I hate when people think of me I hate it when I can’t draw I hate when I can draw but the drawing ends up looking […]

Yes,   I am still here.     I can say I do not want to be here but I am not referring to the hospital.   I still want to disappear from it all.  Thus it is best I am here as I am trying to keep promises.

I did get some positive news today and that is they found a facility to where I can transfer and receive some extended treatment (up to 30 days) Right now I am just in the psychiatric unit of the county hospital with detox and patients with other issues.   While I do meet with the Dr and they do have some […]

I haven’t thought about this site in awhile. I stumbled upon it when I was actively suicidal years ago, and I spent a long time searching for my old post I made when I was feeling awful. I hated myself. Deeply hated myself. And when I was looking at all of the other posts while searching for mine, I realized, “dear God, I could have written any one of these.” Everything that you all say sounds so familiar… it’s just been a long time since I’ve believed it.

I decided to stay alive. I decided to give life a chance. I was hospitalized. I got put […]

Hey my friends ! I really wanna know how everybody’s doing. What’s something that made you laugh this past week? Did you run into an old acquaintance? How is life right now ?

Last night was interesting, something happened with my husband and he got up to asking me what was wrong and doing the whole, “what did I (he) do” thing, which drives me insane, I’ve told him 1,000 times that it’s not him. Anyways, all words just get caught in my throat when I’m in an emotionally charged state so I just sent him a text since my voice was lost, the intended message was apparently a little vague. Rather than what was actually going through my head, he read it as me wanting to commit suicide, it makes sense since this is something […]