I wrote here 3 years ago about my pain and about my suicidal thoughts. When I look back at those days from now, I see a human that has fallen to betrayal, mental and emotional abuse. I was a kind, caring and loving person. I used to help people as much as I can and try to make things right. None at that time did really care but I did my best regardless. Then I was betrayed by my girlfriend and members of my family. Most friends did not seem really to care. Others just made things seem easy. Honestly speaking I was […]

People underestimate how much music means to me. They have no idea that music is the only thing keeping me from a mental institute. Music does so many things for me. It keeps the monsters of the night away, it pushes away all feeling cutting couldn’t. It keeps my anxiety down, and calms me when I need it. It’s the only thing I’m alive for. The depression, the anxiety, the eating disorders, the bipolar, the ADHD, the personality disorders, they’d all be 20 times worse without music.

And trust me when I say I’d be dead by now. Without music, I wouldn’t have that one song […]

im not going going but im leving my life behind for a copul days weeks mothe 1 year at the most ill probly find the strenth to go on with out the suffring or ill find the strenth to pull the trigger im not saying i will and if i am going to ill do it after i get back like a week after just to say goodbye n shit but yer im not saying im going to do it now but im off on a jorney o self help ill be on the mores on the streets at home to get food n shit […]

All the crazy emotional experiences have come and gone. Years has passed and time heals all wounds. Yet, here I am with all goals killed and/or died. I shouldn’t have made it through the experiences I experienced. Now here I am alive and empty. Somewhat like Salmon spawning. They swam upstream and laid their eggs. But unlike the salmon dying soon after, I’m still alive.
I’m not a young kid. I’m 50 and have a career. Here is my story. I lived the American dream. No, not a millionaire but I am ok making 89K a year. It all started about 5 years ago. At […]

I remember when i was what society called happy, like, genuinely happy. a time when I didn’t feel like the world was blurred, like I was just a ghost. I felt, normal i guess. I was nine. that was it. nine years old. and then i just…faded.

I recall how I’d walk into the doors, I’d hear everyone talking, everyone would be with their friends. And me? I’d struggle just to convince someone that they could talk to me. I wasn’t well liked for God knows why. I guess people just needed an outlet to put all their hate, sadness, anger, and shit in. They chose […]

It seems people don’t
care anymore.

Every night I cry, waiting for the day when my suffering ends. But I can’t wait. Its alnost my birthday, but what do I get? Beatings and insults that’s what. My name meant happy. But I never feel that way anymore. I was never destined for happiness. My name should have meant suffering.

This as been eating at me all day! How the hell is she about to let you finger her in school? No. Nasty. Ewh. Tf? Stay classy hunn. You last had sex in a school room? Sendin naked pictures.. don’t get me wrong i’ve had sex. but not in school!

So I know these things to be true…
>I need a concrete game plan to work from…sort of like a “mind map” which tells me the possible outcomes of actions that I could choose from
>I feel as if I am not connected to the world without a purpose for my days
>i have lost my purpose in life since I am no longer someones wife, someones girlfriend, someones mother…. still searching for it though….
>Have come up with a plan for schooling, I wish I had lots of people to encourage me in this new plan for myself, I wish I had someone […]

Well, this is me, Brandilinn, I know its hard to believe that a  girl like me cab have all these  problems going on, well I’m  living proof of it. I really don’t understand why all this shit happens to me. I may have all these things going on, but I do have self confidence. Never have I once thought I wasn’t pretty enough for someone, but I have thought I wasn’t good enough, especially my family. Maybe the reason all of these things happen to […]

I am a dreamer, I admit. I am not always realistic. That’s a fact. I followed my dreams. I was never afraid to chase after the crazy ideas in my head. The processes has been painful. I have failed again and again, yet managed to slip by. I watch as my grades hit catastrophic lows and my social life deteriorates. All of my dreams are slipping through my fingers. Why can’t I do what everyone else can? I am intelligent. I am creative. I have endless possibilities. …But that’s all they’ll ever be… possibilities. While I could write a poem that would bring you to […]

Being near 17 kick from high school …….. my parents cant even afford food with my expenses…im better off dead right now ….just me the  lying lesbo whore why would anyone want me around

And the rest may soon too.

Some of you know my story already. Well, I/m getting older every day and as a 22 year old female in this society, youth and beauty are the only value that can be given to a man in a relationship. I spent (wasted) two years of my best years and now my value has declined. I know this sounds harsh,  but men become more attractive as they age and women–well, in society’s view– become bitchy, controlling, bitter and sexually invisible after a certain age. Biologically, men are wired to be attracted to youth and thus, fecundity.

Anywho, I’ll save my ranting. […]

I want to die. I want to live, but I can’t, because I desire to die even more. I have nothing to live for. The only person who ever saw good in me said that he never meant a word. He never cared about me. I am nothing, and I have nothing. I just can’t take anymore pain. I cry all day, and there’s no relief. I’m tortured in my mind and exhausted in my body. My heart aches with broken promises, everlasting disappointments, and lies told in malice. I can’t tell a soul, because nobody understands a stupid, little depressed girl. Nobody cares. If […]

I have been off work for two days with a migraine.  I work away from home so I can’t even be with “loved ones” when I am like this.  I have no one to talk to when I am away and am getting so very tired.  Thankfully I work in a job where killing myself is very easy and can be an “accident” so that someone will still get my life insurance.  I have thought about killing myself so many times it would be strange to have a day without those thoughts.  I don’t know why I feel this way, I have a loving family, […]

Is there a method that will just look like a suicide attempt but I will wake up few days later in a hospital,after a few days of peaceful sleep?Sometimes I just think that failed suicide attempt is the only thing that will show me whether certain people still care about me…and if I would find out they do,maybe I would no longer want to kill my self and the terror would stop

why do i think the way i think why do i whant to diy i was taking to soem people today thay were so happy why cant i belike that it just gets me so deprest the cuts on my arms tell that stroey im sp alone so and i know people have said this befor but im so lost in my own life i dont knoe who i am know more its like im falling but people look t me and see me flying im crying all thay see is a happy person not me me im so confusd im lost

I hate life. I hate (almost) everyone. I hate education. I hate trying for a pointless future. I hate hope. I hate myself. I hate my feelings. I hate persevering.

Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why do I put on a mask and hide my emotions? I can almost feel a curtain come down, blocking my soul from whoever may be there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck,trapped oddly enough by my family. My husband has too much at work, and I don’t know how my kids would handle me having a second stay in the hospital in one year. That’s why the permanent solution keeps rolling around in my brain. Just be done with all of this. There’s a […]

FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

People who have cancer and people who’s fighting death, people who wants to live, people who’d give up anything to live.

I feel that sometimes, whenever I plan suicide.  I don’t know. I’m weird and complicated. F*cked up and shitty.

I’ve felt this way for a long, long time. Kind of been going thru the motions, doing what others (or I thought others) expected.  Going to school, getting a job, married, having kids, etc. Just didn’t seem to care.  Got divorced a couple of years ago, haven’t talked or seen the ex or kids since then. Just didn’t care. When I try to rationalize it, it seems like it should bother me. But it doesn’t. Actually, I haven’t seen or talked to my entire family. I just don’t have the connections that you would expect between people that are family.  Never did, I was always […]