Quack. Brrrr.
I really think whatsapp has to take the the large part of the responsibility here. Theres something about whatsapp that causes a certain rearrrangement and reshuffling of the brain when it comes to txt messages from a potential romantic interest.
Everything was fine up until last week, txting back and forth, a certain simpatico had been established, She was doing most of the txting and it was pretty cool and then last Saturday I txted and straightaway I felt this vibe, somethings wrong here, shes not txting back. If this had been on another messaging format I doubt I would of cared but theres something about […]
i made paper cut outs today. i laminated them afterwards, and went to cut off the excess plastic. i was in the middle of carefully cutting around the paper, when the overwhelming urge to cut up all of my hair, my skin, and my clothes came over me. nothing triggered it. just an intrusive thought. why do they have to happen, though? my mind is already so cluttered, why does my brain create more mess for me to wade through? i’ve avoided cooking for a very long time because of it.. i can’t even dice vegetables without an intrusive thought telling me to stab myself […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I had a strange dream the night before yesterday (maybe it was early morning) in which I saw one of my former friends (by now Ive pushed them all away for good). He was a cool friendly dude back when I knew him and quite healthy as far as I remember. But in this dream he bumped into me at an airport lounge and I was dream shocked at his wasted appearance. His mouth was twisted and spine was crooked. I couldn’t make sense of his impaired speech. Then there was a nonsensical flash back into what had happened to him – he got hit […]
Committing suicide doesn’t end your pain, it just passes it to someone else.
ME- Love, friendship, meaning, a zest for life, money, health
YOU- ?
how we’re all suffering and feeling similar things, and yet we feel so alone?
No one knows each other here, so we are alone. I mean, for me at least, I have no real friends. I have no real connection to anyone or anything on this Earth.
I’ve always been alone. I used to be young, strong, and fine with being alone. But now it’s fucking depressing. What I crave the most is a connection with someone, IRL, to like me, to love me, to care about me.
What is life if no one cares about you? And […]
I feel cursed.
I feel like this universe has it out for me.
too tired to fight this eternal battle to stay alive and do all the upkeep of keeping oneself alive.
I’m struggling hard, I feel trapped with my own thoughts. It’s not like I can express them to anyone because if I vent to my to my partner it’ll cause problems, if I vent to my family it’ll cause problems, if I vent to friends it’ll cause problems but the longer I hold it all in the more the feeling to self harm grows and I’m not sure what to do anymore, do I want to live or just die
i had talent. people would compliment me on it all the time. i don’t know why i didn’t pursue it. I was afraid of of failure. Now i am a failure, at a job i absolutely hate, hardly have any money. I try to imagine that i would have failed either way, but i wish i had just tried. But i didn’t and now im stuck here. It’s worse having wasted talent than no talent at all because if you aren’t good at something then it’s no harm no foul. But it sucks knowing you were good at something and you didn’t pursue it because […]
I am starting to hate everything else that isn’t me, I already hated myself from way back then but now I’m starting to get annoyed at everything. I’ll tell my story here just cuz I wanna leave something behind at the very least. My biological parents were separated before I was born and I spent the first 5 or so years of my life with my dads family, dad wasn’t around much and I don’t know why. But at least I slept with my dad when I was 3 years old and below (in the wholesome way, not holesome way.) But after that he just […]
The internet is forever, so if I did die, at least I left something behind:
It’s that time of year again where most of your friends, family, people you follow, post to the world how much they love their “significant” love one. It’s always depressing around this time of year because of the choices I make to better my future doesn’t lead me to finding my special someone. Because I picked a job that is dominated by guys, and especially people way older than me, I rarely interact with the opposite sex. Just because the government says talking to strangers is the equivalent to killing them […]
I have been happy maybe once. My first boyfriend i loved so much. Every other day of my life is so unhappy. Good things happen, but the default of my emotions are extremely sad. I take 2 different Add meds in the day. That helps sometimes. Pot is very much helpful. I can be sobbing and i smoke and its like i didnt feel like that. I have tried so many times to die. I dont want to because im a Christian and i have two cats i would never leave behind. What the hell should i do then?
today I was sad. I have had no motivation to do anything, and that also applies to journalling. I made a promise to myself to do it every day… so, here it is I guess.
I’m 44 years old now and I’ve hated my life ever since I was in elementary school, I believe it was in the 2nd grade when I made this realization, I knew I was in for a rough ride, I hated my family, where I was born, who I was, everything. I’ve been in a living hell ever since
the only reason i haven’t offed myself is because the people around me keep pleading me not to. why? why do they care? my ex came to my house last night around 1 am because he was worried about me. He rang the doorbell and woke my parents, but luckily they went back to sleep. He walked to my house. At midnight. In the cold. why do they care? I was on the phone with him for 2 hours telling him to go home but he was refusing to do so until he was convinced that I was safe. I just want to be gone. let […]
No matter how many times the shame hits me, I know I will return to it. I know the thoughts in my head are wrong. I feel it, every time. The recognition of how fucked up it is. But I just don’t care. There’s no version of me that I wouldn’t be ashamed of. So why not push it, right to the edge? Think and feel the worst things I could possibly think and feel. Be the most wretched creature I’m capable of being.
There is conflict inside my mind, but that side of me will always win. I don’t care enough to deny it. To […]
Another night of no sleep, so you people get to suffer along with me. More sleep deprived drivel. Now then, lets get on with it. No sense in putting things off. (Double entendre? You decide.) Single file, all bunched together, screw “social distancing.” There’s pain to be suffered!!! Pain is good, it builds character! Shall we?
The rules were set in the beginning. I’m only along for the painful ride. My control is limited, I make my plans and run my errands, knowing that life is in charge, not me, no matter how much I think otherwise. Life is a fickle mistress, one day loving and […]