this is how nightmares are made.

i had once blood collected using this system. by the time nurse was about to plug in the third vial, i realized that this isn’t medicine – they are vampires. i fainted, then and there, and had a nightmare. it supposedly lasted less than a minute, but for me, it felt like half hour of terror.

I have reach an stalemate in my fight against depression. My family doesn’t believe in mental health and I don’t have any close friend willing to share my troubles.

I feel so lonely. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve spent so many years trying to numb the pain that came with self-awareness. Recognizing what I really am destroyed me, and I can’t see anyway back from that. But I also can’t bring myself to end it. And I can’t stand this cage I’ve built for myself. I want to be invested in life again. To really feel, rather than constantly managing and denying feelings. But the feeling often seems unbearable.

I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. To hide the truth behind rationalization and reason. I don’t want to be this detached zombie. But I can’t stand the truth. The truth makes me […]

One month clean. After almost two years of heavy use, driving me deeper and deeper down a hole of insanity and clouded thinking, cyclones of emotion and extremely bad judgment calls, today is one freaking month clean. The world is a boring, banal, and predictable place when you’re sober, and for right now, that’ll work.

And eight hours of solid sleep last night helped. God I needed that.

I keep wondering am I the trouble one here. I don’t know. I’ve been trying to change myself from time to time but still, it wasn’t enough. I feel lonely even surrounded by people. I cant share my family problems with my friends because I don’t want them to be judgemental. I keep ignoring my problems. I hope that it will somehow be okay. And I can’t seem to get along with my family. I can see my brother sharing his problem with my father every time he’s home from work. But why do I don’t get the same treatment? And when I try to […]

i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t wan

make it stop make it stop make it stop please i can’t fucking take this anymore

i’m suffocating

“All things human hang by a slender thread; and that which seemed to stand strong suddenly falls and sinks in ruins”

“Hey dudes I’m afraid I’ll hurt people if I leave”.

Really? Come on dude. You’d have to have pretty low emotional intelligence to honestly ask yourselves this question. Can we be honest here? Completely honest? How many of you actually think this? How many of you are just using this an excuse, a cover-up not to leave? Bargaining by saying these people will be “hurt” if you leave and they’ll miss you lmao. Or pretending that you care HAHA! What kind of reasoning is this? How do you have so much trouble with a simple matter of discretion?

I can’t imagine many of us have people […]

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord, make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even gray, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I’ve had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink […]

My battle with insomnia is getting worse.  I’m averaging maybe ten hours sleep a week, with at least two nights a week of no sleep at all, as last night was.  As soon as I begin drifting to sleep, I stop breathing. Yes, it does sound like sleep apnea, doctor is busy running tests because he says I also have some kind of heart issue.  Now I get to deal with nightly anxiety caused by not knowing if I’ll sleep, and life is a big bowl of cherries right now.

So – I find a piece of paper on my desk titled “My SP Plan.” Short […]

i’m tempted to do it; to take a butcher’s knife and just cut off the flesh in which his name is engraved.  i would take back my power and erase him from me.  this vessel is no longer mine.  i want to tear off my skin.  i feel ashamed and disgusting to have ever been in his control.  i have not yet figured out how to un-train myself to sit, stay, and lay down.  the fear is embedded in my soul and my entire being.

i’m tempted to do it, if i’m lucky i might just bleed out

Today, I played the role of my mother’s therapist. It’s not a new concept – me and somebody else, talking through their issues for a few hours until they feel better. But today, it took everything out of me, and I didn’t realize it until just now.

Up until, like, two minutes ago, I was wondering where the hell this came from. I’m normally depressed, but this is way worse than the usual. This is like my worst couple of years came racing back out of nowhere all at once.

The only thing that usually sucks about playing therapist for someone is that nobody really asks about […]

It’s over now and it seems like a nightmare I lost myself the first time and now I am losing hope. I have no interest in dating anymore.. I give up on the dream this time for good, I am tired of starting over and trying to do everything right and still having the same result. I spent 6 years working on loving myself and seeing myself as an amazing person who is worthy. And here I am newly single feeling crazy like I invented that I deserved love and was worthy. If these men who claimed to love me and care for me don’t […]

It quite funny how empty i feel for these past few years. I don’t even understand why did i feel this way. I have a nice family, a roof to stay, foods to eat, money to spend, friends to hang out. No matter what i did to distract myself, only works for few minutes. i have never tried to suicide but i have the urge to attempt. I think the only reason that make me not doing it for real is because i am a muslim. yes, that is the only reason. The endless thoughts about everything got me screaming inside my soul every single […]

I can’t take it
i can’t I can’t i can’t
get out of my head
get out of my head
get OUT OF MY HEAD

I hate him
why did he do this to me?? why did he make me do all those things?? i want to tear my flesh open my skin is fucikgin crawling
I HATE YOU ****** you took EVERYTHING FROM ME

YOU TURNED MY 8 YEARS OF ABUSE INTO 9.  THIS BODY IS NO LONGER MINE, YOUR NAME IS ENGRAVED IN IT.

im at my fucking breaking point.  i’m VERY close to making an extremely irreversible impulsive decision.  would that make you happy, ******???? […]

I have been both depressed and mentally ill for as long as I can remember. Despite this, I have managed in my late 20’s to have a stable career, a place of my own, and even decent bonds with friends. On the surface I have “made it” or at least I should feel that way, yet I still want to end my life every single day.

I wake up to go to work, a job I actually like doing and pays well, and yet I look myself in the eye and think “Why am I even bothering?” Every day feels about the same: wake up, work […]

half an hour and some hundred clicks later:

Citizens, we learn, have the option of installing packages of ideological assumptions and philosophical inclinations, called “outlooks,” on top of their programming. These pre-packaged value systems have effects ranging from subtle tweaks in attitude and aesthetic sensibility to massive perceptual reconfiguration and drastic personality changes. Inoshiro reacts to the trauma ve has suffered by installing a particularly extreme and rigid outlook that makes ver placidly indifferent to everything, an outlook that cannot be uninstalled. In […]

It’s been a long while since I’ve been around here.
A lot has changed, and yet here I am back again.
I remember writing stories here, and I read some of them and I thought about some of the people I met here all those years ago.
I guess I’m just checking in.
I’m doing better, and I hope you guys are doing better too.
I was 19 going on 20 when I started here 5-6 years ago, it’s just odd to think about.
Being here, surrounded by others who got my struggles really did help me out. Having this outlet has definitely helped me […]

he gave me everything and nothing all at the same time.  i was absolutely convinced that i was in love with him, that he was the only one who could ever truly be with me.  because he told me so.  he told me that he was the only person who could ever possibly understand someone like me, the only person who could truly make me happy.  it was a falsity, to say the least.   a sham.  i bled for him.  i destroyed myself for him.  i gave him every ounce of life that i had left in me until i was running on empty. […]