:'(
Hi, I never thought I was going to write here, but it is since 4 or 5 years that when my Anxiety and panic attacks hit me, I tend to go to this website.
Knowing that there are other people that suffer like me, in some way, makes me less desperate. Maybe it is the ‘I am not alone’ stuff. But anyway.
I am an anxious person, I did enough therapy to get to that. But what people do not really understand is what it feels like to live with this anxiety. People say that you should enjoy what life brought to me, but it is like […]
I’m so tired.
Partially because the ~6 or so hours of sleep I get are of abysmal quality, but I mostly attribute my exhaustion to me being sick. I’m so fucking sick. I’m so exhausted all the time, the nightmares and night terrors plague me and I spend a significant amount of my day thinking about the awful dreams or worrying that it’s some kind of “sign” or “warning,” as if I have precognition or some shit (I know it’s stupid, I don’t know why my anxiety seems to make me delusional to an extent). The effects of my PTSD are fucking debilitating. The dissociation kills […]
Lmao I’m feeling this type of way tonight to come onto this site and checked my post history and I’ve been on this goddamn site for EIGHT YEARS now. Granted, it’s been on and off, but Jesus Christ. You’d think if I was going to, I would’ve done so by now. My first post is from when I was only 14 and now I’m recently turned 22. What a fucked up life.
It’s honestly hilarious when I look back on my old posts and read how broody, nihilistic I was. At least now I can laugh at my pain instead. I’m very grateful for […]
I don’t know if I’ll ever become anything useful. My education has been arranged differently and it’s supposed to help me. I do school slower and less than others. But I feel like it has somehow made my mental state worse. I feel like I can’t make it in life because of my mental health and general laziness. I’ll just end up being a disappointment and a burden. It makes me want to end it before it happens but I can’t because my loved ones would be sad.
I destroyed that relationship so hard.
I was so scared of losing him that I ended up hurting him.
He was the first guy who liked me for more than just my body…
I know what I have to do forgive myself.
I’m talking to a guy now who only likes me for my body. I’m deeply uncomfortable with talking to him, but it’s what I have to do.
The definition of overwhelming pain is when pain exceeds one’s ability to cope, aka my daily life.
I’m talking just the physical pain, too…there is almost always an accompanying existential crises about self-worth and chronic illness.
As someone living with multiple chronic illnesses, including endometriosis and chronic nerve entrapment, the story of my daily life resembles both that of a heroine in a gothic horror novel and that of a golem girl made of glass. And to me this makes sense, the mood of my body oscillating regularly between two worlds – stuck in the middle just like everything else in my life.
And so goes the story […]
last night I had another nightmare. i don’t know why I say this as if I don’t have them every single night. when i wake up, i have to spend a while laying awake in bed, trying to process what i had experienced during my rest. it’s horrifying. these people that i try to push from my mind reappear as if my dream is their real estate. i’ve tried medication, meditation to induce lucid dreams, i’ve done everything within my power. it’s like some twisted possession, my thoughts are no longer in my control and the images of disturbing, horrifying things sit in front of […]
I went to the emergency room yesterday after a trip to urgent care. The past three weeks I haven’t been sleeping well, if at all. I’m guessing I’d slept maybe about twelve hours over that period, several nights no sleep at all. Having gotten no sleep at all Thursday and Friday nights, on Saturday morning I “set my affairs in order”, composed several notes for friends and family, bought a fresh box of ammo, test fired my g*n, (it works) then, for whatever reason, went to urgent care. (He doesn’t want to die, but he also doesn’t know how to live. -editor)
I’d been experiencing a […]
I wish I could start over.
Who else feels, like they’ve thought all the thoughts, and there’s nothing left to say?
Every day is the same.
I just watched this. Thought it was very informative. Figured maybe someone else might get something out of this video too:
guys I’m hurting right now and i just want the pain to stop. its unbearable. i don’t wanna die but i don’t wanna live either…u know? its never ending pain and i hate it..honestly i think anything at this point is better than living but i’m too afraid to die alone…i need help here’s my email…
andriannamueller@gmail.com
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m a soon to be 20 year old with the feeling life doesn’t care what I want to be or what I want to do, anything I put energy into falls apart and it seems like I’m not meant to be what I truly desire. I’ve tried to kill myself several times each one ending with me breaking down in tears wishing I didn’t even have to do it. It’s like I HAVE to do it but why? It’s because I’m not what I want to see or what I want to be, everything I love to do is everything I’m not good […]
i functioned today. I sat at my desk instead of sitting in my bed. I drank more water than usual. I brushed my hair. I’ll probably write more later when I have the time to focus on my feelings.
feb. 7th 2021 – 3:16 am
it’s night time now (i date my posts based on the site’s time, not my timezone). this is when the bad thoughts get worse. I have too much time to think, there is too much silence. my appetite has been small, and i haven’t been eating enough food that is nutritionally meaningful. ive eaten rice (haven’t even finished it) for a couple […]
I didn’t want to get up today so I took a Xanax and went back to bed. My ex-wife still wants to be in my life and she is the one who broke me and she can’t understand why I am so filled with pain. Maybe its because she is bipolar and probably more screwed up than me. Still here I am getting texts, calls and random visits from her and I let her. She was chronically suicidal for years and Me and our kids didn’t know from one day to the next whether she would live or die. Now she wonders that about me […]
How do you become one, consistent, coherent self? I want so many conflicting & incompatible things, and my mind swings between them from minute to minute. They may all be impossible anyway. Doing anything may be futile. But if I could just maintain a consistent mindset for a few weeks in a row, I could at least move toward something. Instead of being paralyzed.
I don’t know what to do. How do you make lasting decisions, when your motivations are continually fluctuating? When you passionately want something one minute, and couldn’t give a shit the next. How do you live like that?
…it’s all i think about…
In life, it’s much more easier for everything to be destroyed (sickness, accidents, death, job losses, family losses, & even just one wrong decision can even destroy our lives, etc etc etc), whereas it often takes so much efforts, time, & even hardships to build something. So, it’s clear that sufferings outweigh pleasure.
And plus, just look at our world. Ever heard of the richest 1% control over 99% of world’s resources (& even people around the world)? How is this ever fair, or justifiable? If you think about it, that means most people will just only “living to […]
I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this […]