Being extremely self critical about everything you experience and do really fucking sucks. Its hard to even recognize it as being critical of yourself most of the time, it just feels like the truth.
I keep thinking about the things that are stopping me from leaving and maybe if I can get my shit together I can make this easier. Are there life insurances that will pay out on a suicide? I’m going to look into that. Maybe if they can be set for life then I won’t worry about them. See, I’m the sole provider for my little family so I can’t just drop dead and know they will struggle to just get by. I want them to be okay.
I don’t deserve them or anything I have. I need to stop holding them back and let them […]
i spoke to my therapist today. i read to her my recent journals to help me evoke emotions so i could actually talk about something. i spoke about how bad the nightmares have been getting, how the paranoia is affecting me, et cetera… and i don’t quite remember how, but we ended up on the topic of the recent violently abusive situation i was in (in august). there was something there that i hadn’t unearthed before? the anger towards my parents. allow me to provide some context: in the situation i was in, i was being blackmailed. my abuser was forcing me to do horrible […]
It’s been a bad day. It’s been forever since I’ve had this bad of a day. I can barely leave my bed. I keep crying for no reason. Why do I exist. I want to just disappear. I wish I was dead so badly. I wake up every morning just wanting to do it but I can’t because other people will be sad and I can’t do that to them. Why can’t I just be selfish.
and then followed them and tried to understand them and help them, wishing that they didn’t kill themselves because they are the best person you know
Man I’m tired. Why does it matter what I write when someone else can say what I feel much more easily and honestly. This dude is right, spot on. Even if it weren’t for the “disease”, which is what I’m calling it now since I don’t know what it is… It may have played out in a more complicated way, but this is ultimately the reason I pushed my only friend away.
Today is my 27th birthday. I didn’t want to get this far. Life is not for me. On the outside everything might seem good but it is not. I try to work all the time in order to focus on something other than my misery. But in the end money doesn’t help either. I don’t want to spend it on anything. So what is the point really?
i’m in a place where i am mentally unable to handle anything. schoolwork feels like trying to roll a boulder up a mountain. functioning in general, actually. i feel so isolated. my friends aren’t as responsive as they used to be when we were all in treatment together… i just feel like shit. i haven’t been able to even work up the motivation to finish my paintings (which are way past due). i have a reading response due tomorrow (600 words) and i haven’t even been able to figure out what the fuck i’m going to say about this passage from Walden. he contradicts himself […]
I’m fed up, with the whole thing. Specifically, I work my butt off, tend to turn in good work, which even my employer admits…. yet, despite supposed ability, I’m not worthy of paying enough for me to do what I want, which is to not need welfare to survive.
So, my doctor had pushed me out a month and a half, now I’ve been on the on call for cancelations, which means that at this point if he calls, I pick up. This morning I was doing more “essential” training… and I get the call. So, I take it, and I told him how it is, […]
The anxiety is almost as bad as depression. Maybe worse. God, I’m cycling between crippling depression and crippling anxiety. I can never relax. I can never enjoy life. I hate my life. I hate my mind. I hate that I am not (or cannot) make my life better.
WHY do I have to be born? Fucking A. If I was never born, I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit my WHOLE fucking life.
I was only 14. I texted my brother and said “you know I’ll always love you” and turned off my phone because I knew his reply would make me stay. I didn’t want to stay. I was constantly self harming, sleeping, failing everyone around me. I dropped out of high school because I knew I would never graduate. I’d never live to. So I took a bottle of pills and passed out on the floor hoping it wouldn’t hurt and hoping everyone would move on from me quickly. But I woke up in a hospital. My head hurt and I felt horrible but I was […]
I’ve lost important social traits. Emotions that are key to expressing the inner heart and soul of one’s self. Isolation has destroyed my hope of finding friends, a lover and being more involved with my family. I don’t know how to feel.. I’m not numb. I’m just not completely aware.
My Grandmother, who I live with and been a caretaker for 6 years is really pushing me to get a better Job. I have an average job that pays minimum wage. Its decent cash and it keeps me somewhat busy yet its not enough for her to back off. Its never good enough, but […]
i often feel like it’s my fate to never be truly happy. as if i’m destined to suffer, that’s my purpose.
many try to make the point of “oh, the bad parts will be over soon”
and to that, I have to ask when? when will they be over? when will they cease to repeat themselves?
it’s a question left unanswered, because the answer is something they don’t want to admit.
The answer is “never”.
for me, at least. I find myself to constantly be a target for abuse, manipulation, pain, et fucking cetera. over and over and over, a never-ending cycle of torture and emotional turmoil.
i don’t have the energy to […]
How do we stop being depressed?
I’ve been searching for that answer for over 3 decades… -_-
https://youtu.be/A1uuhYyf4nM
I started self harming again. I hadnt done it in 14yrs. But i bought some chemicals and burned my arms like the good ol days. Im already regretting this choice because its all i think about now. My mind wants me to destroy my physical being as a punishment of all the hard ships i endured for so many years. Asking for help has been a bust. Not even human services wanted to help me because […]
It’s bleak. All of the impending disasters, decay of anything half-decent, lack of rest. I’m stuck in this place designed only to pump profit from people. There’s no other place.
It won’t get better. Unless it collapses and something else takes its place. Would get caught in the collapse anyways.
Why try to be happy in an environment so poor? Any hope, any happiness is tainted with inevitable failure.
I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of being told to try. I’m tired of people, blind to the horrors that surround them, telling me “It’ll work out!”
For who?
The past hasn’t been worthwhile, the future won’t be either.