I’m so tired of it all. My mother is putting me under an enormous amount of pressure to get all of this school work done by the end of may, but I know I cannot do it. Even if I stopped talking to internet friends and reading, I would still not get it done in time. With one of my classes, which conveniently, is the hardest one for me, I can do it through the summer. But my mother came into my room last night screaming her head off about me finishing it and that I would not do it over the summer. She is […]

kso i have my suicide letter ready but i cant go through with suicide. i cant. i dont want to leave my brother behind. he is alwasy with me. i cant even leave him for a night without feeling bad. but at the same time i want leave. i just dont know what to do.

**pardon my lack of grammar and editing but i just don’t give enough of a damn.**

I’m only fifteen.

I have spent my tiny little life feeling like I’m on the outside of everything looking in on it.

Do you know the feeling, like you are the only one who realizes just how fucked up everything is? I do and i feel that way every day. All the rich white people at my overly socially competitive high school, my family life, society, the way our world works, life, they all seem like a circus act to me. i feel like almost every person on earth sees life as a fluffy cake with sweet pink […]

I set a date for myself last week.  I’ve been counting it down since then, day-by-day.   Every day that I count down makes me feel almost…hopeful.   What irony, huh?   I don’t know whether I’m going to be able to follow though, when the time comes, but I’m seriously going to try.  I’ve been making concrete plans and actually doing things to make come about.   I won’t give away the actual method (since we’re not really supposed to do that here), but let’s just say it’s going to be as quick as possible, with little chance for any mistakes. 

I’m trying not to be selfish about this, […]

Theres a darkness when you’re not around,
A sense of sadness that clouds my surroundings.
The tears flow down my face,
And a question of “Why” enters my space.
My chest covered by my knees,
And I’m here crying out please.
But no matter what I do or say,
You can’t come back not even for a day or two.
A sense of sorrow starts bubbling up,
And my hands are cupped around my eyes.
A tear rolls down my lip,
and my stomach does a small dip.
This is all I feel,
Something so unreal,
And that’s all I will ever say or feel.

Isn’t it funny how my mom says she loves me but all she does is criticise me? Funny when she finds out that I tried killing myself she yells at me?

Is it really my fault that when I hate my house so much that it is horrible for me to want to move out? Is it really my fault that CPS got called because my stepdad tackled me and I blacked out?

I don’t talk to my mom or stepdad, I don’t want them touching me or pretending that everything is ok. I want out. Is it really that weird that I’m rebelling against them? I […]

Got this website while browsing, like my heading state im 30 going on 31 and still want to die every day, some days worse then the others. I would never commit suicide, but i do know that if I could die for someone, if I could go in someone elses place that still want this earth, I would gladly take her.his place. I have searched for 30 years for my purpose which i believe i did what i had and was expected of me -yet dying is what i live for.

It is not going to get better.  It is actually going to get better and worse.   It is going to fluctuate like the temperature does during the year.  Or the grades of a collection of students.  Or the color of sky at dusk and dawn. 

There are no guarantees.  There is not a happily ever after.  It does not work that way.  Even if you expend 100% effort and 100% faith what you want still may not happen.  Then again it may happen exactly as you choose.  Or it may happen in a totally different fashion.  The only thing you can do is keep going forward.

Acts […]

I started drinking and smoking pot around age 12. before I went into puberty, Now i am 23 and my bones have not developed. My wrists and hands are smaller than most childrens. I also have gynocomastia (development of breasts due to hormonal imbalances). It seems my hormones are fucked. I have no sex drive and no ambition. Ive been rejected by many females for my feminine qualities. My father killed himself when i was 17, and all my life since then Ive just wanted to be a man and take care of myself and my family…now im developing into a fucking woman! I had […]

Drowning in my emotions. Waters deep
swallowing me whole.
Can’t breath Can’t speak no one can hear my thoughts. It’s lonely and cold I can barley see the surface. Does anyone up there know I’m here. They can’t hear the words they can’t feel the pain. Still drowning here getting ever so closer to the end.

My usage of psychedelics, especially mushrooms is letting me slowly exit my chemical lobotomy and into a state of awareness and ability to have common sense, energy, endurance, drive, determination, willpower, intuition and able to reason, be assertive. Now that my level of consciousness is higher than it has been in the past several years flashbacks are getting more intense and distressing. I’m starting to realize how braindead and blind I really was in the past and I can’t describe what it’s like to be aware of this other than downright disturbing.

This is my first time on the website, so I hope I don’t break any rules or something.

My story is pretty standard: a strict family, crippingly high expectations, and an inability to ever deliver what they wanted culminated in chronic depression and very bad self esteem. I once brought home a B+ for a 7th grade science class. My parents screamed at me and insulted me until I was literally on my knees, sobbing, begging them to stop.

In high school I was absolutely miserable. Because I was shy and socially awkward, I was unpopular, completely ignored. I did well in my classes, but of course not nearly well enough to please my parents. Nobody talked to […]

From the time I was 2 until I was 14 I was raped molested and took from place to place for men to do what they wanted to me! My mom knew they beat and took my childhood. Then I was adopted at 11 and raped by the boys there until 14.. I am now 21 my spirit is broken my will to live is gone! And people tell you change the future.. Well I cant change the past and let me tell u it alot to do with your future. You look at me and you would never know anything had ever happen to.me… […]

First let me say this is my first post on this website. This is my first time even on this website. If I’m posting this in the wrong forum or doing anything wrong I’m sorry.

Hi… my name is Chanc. I’m twenty three years old and from Arkansas. I live with my partner of three years in our own home. I have two dogs and no children. I was raised by my mother and paternal grandparents. My father left when I was an infant, and we’ve had a very distant and strained relationship ever since. He’s a decent enough man that enjoys alcohol and dislikes responsibility. […]

So I have s terrible family, no friends, I’ve totally ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had. I don’t see much reason in moving on any more, I’ve been stuck in this rut for my entire life… I’ve wanted to die for so long, and I’ve only ever once attempted suicide when I was 11 (17 now). So yeah, I have no hope and no faith in this life. The only thing that’s been really holding me back from killing myself is that I don’t want people to feel bad over my death (stupid right?), but the agony of living it is worth them feeling […]

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that I lied. I’m sorry I couldn’t face the truth and covered it up. I’m sorry I tried to hide everything so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the full truth.

Mom and dad… I’m sorry I couldn’t be that perfect daughter. I’m sorry that I don’t get good grades and panic while in public. I’m sorry I let myself get beat up. I’m sorry I don’t tell you things anymore. I’m sorry I didn’t try to help you when I knew things were getting tough. I’m sorry I fight with my brothers. […]

were would be the best place to hang myself? I need ten feet.

Today was even worse I have this overwhelming desire not to live anymore. I passed a wreck I even stopped to see if everything was okay.. I got back in my car and cried because I wasnt the one who died in the wreck! I would gladly take the place of the other person.. I cry everyday more today then usual.. No one would care if I died my family would only be worried about their perfert image and what people would say about there daughter killin herself. My funeral would be filled with not close friends and a happy family but with people who […]

Because let me tell you, all of this is getting pretty old. And by all of this I’m implying life.

he came back last night. it was him trying to break in. i yelled out, babe? is that you? he said yes in a very tired tone. i opened. i can’t describe the feeling i had when i saw him standing there. he said he was there knocking our secret knock for a while. that explained the sounds i was hearing but was too scared to check it out. he was physically and emotionally drained. so was i. he held me and i just cried. i cried because i realized how weak i am without him. he cried too. he said he is scared to […]