Okay…This has been going on for a while now..My best friend has issues, I can tell but she wont let me in to help her, she knows all about my problems and is always there when I need her but now I wish she would let me in so I can help her. Whenever I ask her if she’s okay she says ‘yea’ but I know she’s lying to me, I really don’t understand…She knows I’ve went through similar stuff to her. And when I ask her again if she’s okay she turns away and walks off… I feel like she’s pushing me away for […]

Was in a lot of pain, anguish today.  I really only feel like anger is the only way for me to feel any sense of normalcy and it’s getting me nowhere.  Somehow I”m still able to maintain a job, but my relationship with my supervisors is bad.

I was however able to nap.  Usually, I’m too uncomfortable to do so.  My body just doesn’t feel right.  Having enough sanity to know that I’m not well does not count for me enough sometimes.  I suppose it does represent a type or shred of sanity, but what about actually feeling good?  It’s true, not everyone gets to feel […]

I don’t really know what to do… There’s this really cute looking guy at my support group thingie and I think I really like him the only problem is he’s gay……What do I do? I know I can’t be with him but I want to be more than friends, Should I just forget about him?

Today marks the one year anniversary of the diet that changed my entire life. One diet was the start of a long and hard downfall, one that ruined relationships and pushed my body to its limits. 5 pounds lost quickly turned to 20 pounds lost as my calorie intake headed down a steep slope. 1000 calories a day… 900… 800… then 700… 600… 500… 400… 300… 200. As I lost weight I grew weaker, I lost all energy, I could not focus at school, I bruised from the slightest things, I had chest pains, and I was dizzy all the time. But it didn’t matter, […]

Day by day goes by and stuff happens and it puts me on the edge. I hate this life its not fair. I did not choose to be born so can’t I take my own life? But truthfully and honestly I am scared shitless. I don’t know how or when I am just certain that it will happen. I had a close friend who committed suicide and it has always been a rumor how he did it. The family never told anyone. But I heard it was bloody. I dont understand how somebody can have so much courage and be so brave. I havent done a lot […]

I feel alone. Ever since I was placed in the hospital everyone thinks I was cured as soon as I got out. That’s not the case though. If anything I have gotten worse. My best friend betrayed me, I have turned back to cutting, I have turned to drugs and alcohol, and I am thinking about skipping my dosage of antidepressants everyday. I have become withdrawn and can’t trust anybody. I wish that my other two best friends could understand and help me. There are days where I want help and others where I feel hopeless. After more than two years of chronic depression, I’m […]

I want to lose weight. 

I want to stop purging.

I want to stop eating.

I want to stop cutting.

I want to stop therapy

I want to be able to talk to people.

I want to avoid all interaction.

I want to never be noticed, ever.

I want to have friends.

I want to stop hiding.

I DON’T want anyone to know.

I want to disappear completely and completely cease to exist.

I don’t know if I want to kill myself.

You might as well love yourself…I mean why not?  Everything else hasn’t worked, and hating yourself doesn’t do any good. Why go along with the crowd?

I look at myself at this stage in my life, and I wonder how I got this low.  There seem to be a lot of things to hate. I live alone, have been alone for many years, I work a job where everyone thinks they are my boss, and I’ve gained more weight than I ever thought possible.  Depression is lingering around, and my therapy sessions are just more self indulgent journeys on the hamster wheel. 

One of my best friends […]

🙁 Depressed as shite today.
I don’t wanna try anymore..
Sorry don’t pay any attention to this..

the only reason i’m still here is because of my mom….i don’t think she will bear the pain finding me dead…without this i’m dead…i was vary good person…smart…good looking..i just fucked it all…why wait here for 100 years,if you can go tomorrow…..you’ll not feel pain if you dead,literally..

Now I think a little bit different about my life. My life is lonely. I should never trust someone, so I can’t get hurt. Even if someone wants to meet me, I shouldn’t trust them. Never trust someone a single word about feelings or opinions. I must become cold so I can’t get hurt again.

People aren’t continuous. They come and go like they want. Speak to you when they want, obviously nearly no one here at university wants to speak to me, but I am also not interested in talking to people who can’t understand me the slightest. Maybe they will come into my live when […]

I just got done cutting my wrist about ten minutes and i regret it!! i was just so upset and angry. My mom said that if it happens again she is going to take away my license and car. i dont want that!!!! i dont know what to do?!? I dont want her to find out but its so hott so i cant cover it up she knows by now that if i say it was the dog that im lieing! i dont know whats going to happen. i need advice.

She paints a pretty picture,
but this story has a twist.
You see her paintbrush is a razor,
and the canvas is her wrist.

From: After by Amy Efaw

That feeling where you are litterally on the edge.. you can not see anything but blackness, nothing is bright no more. It is just dark. All the time. You don’t feel like your getting anywhere.. and you just don’t want to be here. You start to think, maybe all this misery will end if i just end it now it wont take long, all this pain i go through i could end it all, it wouldn’t take long, yeah it would hurt but isn’t it better to just die than face misery everyday. but then when in comes to it theres something that stops you. […]

Trying to make sure I do my method of falling asleep peacefully.  Not sure it is going to happen. Not depressed, not in pain other than the normal chronic health problems.  Which I was hoping would do me in but the doc says nope, Mr… you can live with this. /begin sarcasm  Lol.  Out of the men in my family I’m the lucky one not killed by disease.  /end sarcasm

I stopped taking the meds months ago.  Hurts but not as much as the insomnia, the freqent urination, the weakness and joint pain.. agh.

At least it wasnt as bad as the chemo years ago.  My hair actually […]

i made a facebook so i could keep in contact with my best friend that lives hours away, but of course wen i make a facebook, people think if they arnt my friends on there, that i aint there friends in real life, its so dumb,so i have  annoying people on there to that harrass me till i add them, then i add this dumb ***** and everything i post, she likes, she comments,its so fucking annoying, then she post every little detail about what she is doing,seriously,like people want to know what you make for dinner every night,its embarrassing that she likes every single […]

The darkness of life,

The brigthness of death,

Life’s excruciating pain,

Death’s soothing pleasure,

Life’s long term toil,

Death’s eternal rest,

Life’s confusing uncertainty,

Death’s confirmed state,

The confinement of life,

The freedom of death,

The caustic acid that is life,

The healing balm that is death,

Life’s sour holding,

Death’s sweet release.

Recently I left the hospital for a suicide attepmt because a while ago I fell in love with a wonderful girl, but then found out because of me her parents were hurting her so I figured; if I died her pain and suffering would disapear, but when I woke up in the hospital she was there by herself crying i thought it was me who caused her to be beat but she was in my hospital bed next to me I later found out she only allowed her parents to do that because she didnt want me to leave her alone in this world but when I […]

Today at school people were joking and pretending I’m suicidal because I made a thoughtless yet jokey comment about my life having no purpose.

Their teasing made me laugh a bit.

Because they don’t know how right they are at times, which is entertaining.

They’re aware of my darkest secret without realising the truth of it, that it wasn’t just a joke.

They don’t know that throughout my History lesson today, I was considering what to write in a suicide note.

It’s not like I’m likely to actually do it today, or tomorrow, or next year and it’s likely I’ll never need it, but it seems like something that should […]

It is funny how when people are upset about their issues, one of the main responses they are given is a comparison to people who are considerably worse off by objective comparison.

Nobody brings up people who seem to be considerably doing better by a similar comparison. 

The motive behind it is understandable, yet since this is a world with no gurantees and one can only control ones actons and thoughts to a limited extent after one is born, why shoul one feel guilty for being born in a country where poverty is less of a problem than say a third world country.

Why should one feel guilty […]