ive thaught alot.. like i always do .. honestly.. all the times .. they hurt me.. all those men that took me for advantage.. its not me.. its not my fault.. i may have walked the bridge but i didnt jump.. they pushed me.. they should fall not me.. FUCK THEM .. LYING FUCKING IGNORANT STUPID PERVERTED.. NO GOOD IDIOTS…THEY SHOULD ALL GO TO FUCKING HELL FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS.. because … i did nothing rong i was just looking for somone to tell me i was beutiful and amazing.. i cant die over them.. i still hav so many years to live .. […]

I feel like I am being hounded. I have no-one to turn to or talk to. I feel like I have no purpose in life other than to cook brownies for my sister’s film crew or do the laundry for my family or some other menial household chore. I want to end this but haven’t the will to find a purpose outside of what I know. I hate the role I have as my family’s domestic servant. I want out. I have very little money and only a high school education. Getting a job is so hard because I can rarely remember all the stuff […]

a dark hole .. falling down ..

i miss the days ..she  was around..

shes still here but the feelings are gone..

a kind of love that didnt last long..

before had no reson no life to hold on..

i has torn apart at the very bottom..

scars that would never be forrgotton..

i hope you know you where my only reson..

my only hope .. only smile to beleve in

and even though.. its true you where taken ..

i hope you know you gave me heven…

your by best friend.. i know you care..

you numbed the pain i could not bare..

only you coud give me laughter..

and .. i know that where not right together..

but […]

today.. i left my facebook open.. my friend was

wondering how much i pade for a pop of extacy ..

my mother read it .. she flipped out..

so  i left home not wanting to go back..

i met up with my boyfriend .. and finally had my relese

i got cocane… but now sompthing dosnt feel right..

drugs are all i hav to live for..

one night one night i had this dream .. the sky was dark and the whole worls was mean mommmy you where there but you went the same ..you had no money and you were insane i remember you spent everything we had on morphine…

you couldn’t pay the rent of a two bedroom so we shared our broken house with a couple of goons .. who sold drugs and where all cracked out they stayed in the living room sleeping on the couch ..

momy mom why rant you eating … im not hungry dear .now goodbye im leaving.. she walked out the door sometimes it […]

((sorry that this is song long… p.s i hav the tendency to write “have” as “hav” and “back” as “bac” and “you” as “yu”))

I’m new to this site. The fact that I found it by accident or fate I hav no clue yet. I might as well start writing because it seems that it does help at least from what friends hav told me to do. I’m taking their advice to figure things out and try to help myself through things that I do go through and think negatively about.

Where to begin… well I hav tried to commit suicide before by cutting and taking […]

My family read my diary, which described all the details of my sadness and my wish to die. I am now on lock-down. They don’t want to leave me alone and I am being pushed toward hospitalization. I now have to move out of my sister’s house because she fears for her children’s safety, not really mine.

So,

I’m looking for a place to live, but I honestly want to be done with this. I have no where to go and no on wants to claim me. I’m pretty sure no one cares about me and the one person I thought I could count on made me […]

they prescribed me wellbutrin– an antidepressant, and risperidone, an antipsychotic.

i’m not psychotic. I just have a neurochemistry problem. schizoaffective disorder, maybe– “disorganised thinking comorbid with mood disorder”. i was in the hospital for six days this october, on the behest of my school psychiatrist. oh it was just like “Girl, Interrupted” except I didn’t have the manipulative roommate. I was put on seroquel, then they added abilify. mild numbing and mild despair. oh on the 4th day Dr Bashir actually got to listen to me for 20 mins and I got taken off abilify and was put on wellbutrin. my school psych replaced the seroquel with […]

She sits alone and wonders, when is the end of broken dreams? […]

I’ll get to the point. A last year, in the same week, both my girlfriend dumped me and my best friend since 3rd grade died. I had nothing. I attemped suicide twice. I’m still in severe depression. But that’s not what I’m here to say. It gets better. I’m slowly starting to come out of it after about a year and a half. GIVE IT TIME. GIVE IT TO GOD.

I don’t know if anybody else has ever had to hear this. My mother says this to me all the time and each time I fucking hear her say it all i want too do is fucking scream at her. Every time i make a simple mistake “Tune into life”, every time I’m moving slow “tune into life”, every time she fucking blames me for something that i had nothing to do with “tune into life”. Does she really think that that is good advice. Because I have tuned into life, that is the problem, i have always been tuned into life, i pay attention to the world […]

standing at the edge of the cliff
.                                                        breathing
I feel myself growing old
slowly creeping rust
that winds within me;
I stand in a world reeling–
feeling– cold, within a mind
where once was bold. now you
see
.           me.
go from dust to dust.

things that begin. must end
so things may begin again.
be not  jealous
.                             […]

Dawg: I doubt that the sinus infection would have much effect on my method of gas but I also have a little pleurisy to go with it. Like I commented before, I want this to be like laying down for a nap with absolutely no pain or discomfort involved.

I was flipping through the channels yesterday and came across an old Star Trek re-run in which Warf said “it is a good day to die.” That got me thinking, what would be a good day to die for me?

First I assume that my eventual fate will or cannot be changed and that I only had (like) […]

Seriously fffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this mortal coil.

Been drinking with a friend who said “you just can’t give up” as if that’s rhetorical.

Got my rejection letter today for the job that would have saved me in so many ways.

While we were drinking my composure was fairly good but I went to pee like four times ands cried in the bathroom each time.

I’m drunk as all fuck right now. Tomorrow I am driving home for my four-year-old sister’s birthday. I have to make decorations for the party. I figure I didn’t remember shit at four, they can just tell her I was an imaginary friend until she’s 25. The week following, an ex-boyfriend […]

This world is not for me. I can not live for myself any longer… I simply can’t function.. I taste nothing, feel nothing.. even the love I once had is no more… but yet… I wouldn’t have it any other way… I don’t wish to feel, to taste, to live. My heart that was broken seems no more, it has cost me the hold and control of myself I so desperately need. I must live independently… but it is hardly possible… how much further can i fall? How much more will I take? I still hide with fake emotions.. trying.. for what? The help I’ve tried […]

My wife died 1/1. Had funeral 1/11.

I’m putting my affairs in order. I think I want to join her.

i hate when a person tells me they don’t know, then what is your fucking purpose. i hate when your own filty family won’t help you, even though you would help them, i hate when your asshole sister betrays me and like an ass i forgive her, i hate when one moment person is nice to you and in the other they are ready to hit you or betray you or likes to argue with you, make up your fucking mind people are such asshole.NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED.

It had been two weeks since i last cut or burned or anything because i was doing the thing when you draw a butterfly on where ever you cut or burn and you have to keep the butterfly alive but today i killed it :c

Dear life, family, friends, enemies

As a kid we were read fairytales the kind where life was always perfect when it came to an end. I use to think “The End” mean’t that life was perfect. I always thought that one day I would find that guy and have the happy ending. But I grew up. & now I know that “The End.” isn’t for fairytales at all. Its when you realize that life isn’t happy and you finally realize you are done with suffering. Done with walking down the school hallway while everyone laughs. Done with hating yourself so much that you find the need […]