Have you ever had a little string hanging from a knit shirt, that when you pull it, it just continues to unravel?  That’s the best description of my life during the last few years.  The thing is, I don’t know where I went wrong and, therefore, don’t know how to fix it.  Three years ago I was in a dream – living in Manhattan, attending an Ivy League school, in my seventh year of dating my high school sweetheart who I was convinced I’d marry, working as a journalist and about to start at CNN.  Today, none of those things are true.  And, I’m left wondering, how […]

I went to see my theripist today and told her about this site and she was worried about me and then told my mom. My mom is more worried about me now then she was before and I don’t think that she trusts me alone now because I confessed that I wanted to overdose on my pills in hopes I would die. I know depresson runs in my moms family but I don’t think anyone in my family has been as depressed as me before. I feel like the people I tell about my problem that are close to me don’t trust me anymore. When […]

Your email resonated so strongly with me- I wish there was a place for ppl like us. Anyhow- I respond to ur emails immediately coz I’m checking all day.

still working to clean my house.. I did get a pleasant surprise… the UPS man brought me a Ninga Blender… I am not sure who sent it.. I know I did not order it…  maybe I should make a large pitcher of some frozen drink and kill the rest of my liver….. I did my conference calls today at work but sat at my desk most of the day with my office door closed and just gazed at the monitor and did absolutely nothing.. I have not done any actual work since the holidays.

I’ve been doing some thinking since my post yesterday… how does one move on and better their life when anything they try to do blows up in front of them? No matter how I try to fix things, no matter what I try to change or do I always seem to end up back here. It’s like I’m wandering in a dark forest, yet no matter how far I go in a direction I never seem to find a field. Like I’m searching for a single ray in a moonless night.

Sometimes, it feels like the best option I have is to […]

seriously looking to catch the bus?

Will someone talk to me?

yeah, another post from me. I’m trying to quit cutting so you better get ued to me posting alot.

why are you doing this to me? how can you keep doing this? I’ve missed you so fucking much, I’ve NEVER stopped waiting. I waited an entire year for you to come back, doesn’t that deserve anything. or do you just not care. I know more about you than you think I do, and y’know what? next time you come online, I’m not going to pretend. I’m not going to say ‘he’s just come back, atleast give him a nice welcome.’ I’m going to act the way […]

I tried looking for help.

I told him, he told her and still left. She made it worse, shouting and getting angry. No one can understand. Why am I all alone? The crying and cutting isn’t helping any more. There is no use for tomorrow.

I read somewhere, in an almanac of popular myths I think,  that it’s a great fallacy that “You have to be really depressed to commit suicide.” and I thought at the time, gosh that’s true.

I’m barely depressed at all. Oh my friends would say differently – they love to gaslight me… but it’s the truth; I’m really quite regular. I have a good job (that I do badly), I just quit smoking (future facing eh?)… I save money each month to buy (another) house one day. Some people envy me. I really do OK.

I would also like to kill myself. I wanted to believe in God, […]

I’ve told this story to very few people in it’s entirety, but I want to share it now, openly, for the first time.

So 3 years ago I was separated from my now Ex-wife and I moved out on my own. I had never lived alone in my life.

After a oddly sheltered childhood (sheltered mainly by way of neglect) and a 17 year marriage where we had very few outside friends, I entered single life as a very naive, fragile person. My pain and loneliness caused me to suffer from pretty bad depression.This caused problems at work, particularly with a close female friend.

For the first time […]

I’m not coming out, not now, not ever. everyones bi, it’s the new fucking fad. I’ll just be thought of as another one of those sheepy fucking scene whores, who do it because it’s ‘different’. well guess what you attention seeking little ingrates, you’ve made me hate myself. I’ve NEVER hated myself, I’m a good person, but now? now I just think to myself, ‘you’re disgusting. you’re one of them, just another scene whore.’

thanks for this. fucking fakers.

No escape

Nothing to be done or can be done to reverse the damage……

I dont like holding things back but i have to because of how my parents act. I dont have many friends atlest not any that understand how i feel. I was a great kid growing up but when i hit eighth grade, i finally said i was fed up with being the goody too shoo my paretns thought of me as. I hit high school and started dating a senior. Slowly i started conversing with the bad ass kids. they became everything to me, and after nine years of nothing but being pushed […]

There are chemicals
in my brain
that can make me
feel empty, lonely
completely insane
worthless, pointless
hopeless, and absolutely
fucking miserable

They make chemicals
to tell my brain
that I should actually
want to try and live
make me happy
feel complete
whole, and satisfied

They make chemicals
to make life full of
wonder and mystery
and magic and love

But in the end
its all just chemicals
all the feelings
the despair and isolation
or the contentment and pleasure
none of it is real
its all just chemicals

All the wanting
and needing
all the searching
for something to feel
something to heal me
when all I […]

I’m going to my theripst apointment this morning but I’m afraid to tell her and my family that I’m so depressed and suicidal. My mom will be there which makes it harder because I’m afraid to tell her. Everyone I’ve talked to says to me and my mom “maybe she should go to the hospital”. I don’t want to go there and be away from my family. They say they care and will try to help but I can’t confide in them. My moms going through a divorce and my sister has a stalker and is trying to break up with her boyfriend and the […]

trapped in a life
that I don’t wish to live
not afraid of death
just can’t seem to find it
too tired to keep living
too tired to die
feeling so hollow
so empty inside
feels like I’m just barely alive
maybe one day
I’ll cave in and die

Please email me at:  random-random1995@hotmail.com

I know this sounds kind of desperate but i can’t talk to my friends about this kind of thing because they will think i’m a nutcase and my family know and don’t care.

So if anyone wants to talk about anything, please email away 🙂

My dads being a jerk and saying that if I want to hang out or see him I have to give 24 hour notice, yet when I do he forgets and makes plans with his girlfriend. I feel like I don’t matter to him. If something comes up he just doesn’t tell me until I’m ready to go and call him cause he’s late!  When I was younger he was my hero and now he’s ignoring me but asks why I don’t hang out with him! I still love him but my opinion of him is changing alot lately. He even breaks our promises about […]

Let me rant on again…
I’m a 16 year old male from California. That should do you enough good, right?
This planet, this beautiful (or my image of the paradise it was portrayed as) earth inhabited by life. Also inhabited are evil, greedy humans. They are parasitic creatures that prey on this planet’s resources and each other. I fully understand that there are good people, who make you think different, but think about the majority of the people, the evil, vile creatures. These people deserve to suffer, but why not let them suffer without me. I would much rather be dead than to suffer, but […]

I just dont know anymore….. I am 29 years old and  10 years ago I thought I had my entire life mapped out. I started getting into debt, I met my husband who was illegal at the time, my family has disowned me because of him and I live in a tiny basment paying out of my ass for a place that looks and feels like a dungeon. My husband verbally abuses me, he has no job, I was layed off about a year ago but finally found a job that doesnt pay me crap. My husband says hes looking for a job but hasnt […]