Im trying to be in a good mood today but its not working very well. Ive been totally  faking all of my smiles this morning, and it doesn’t make ME feel any better knowing that im fooling the people around me into thinking that im ok. Maybe they feel better though. So now they don’t have to worry about me and can get on with their day.  I feel like death and just want to get the idea out of the way, maybe by doing it, but idk.

Since the age of 8 I’ve been depressed, when I was 8 I used to say that I wished someone would come along and stab me, I can’t remember why as I’m now 15 but the problem’s still there. About 4 months ago I overdosed on 12 paracetemol, I don’t know why they make such a big deal about overdosing cause you’ve gotta take like 30 for it to effect you. Last night I cut myself and poured ink into the cuts hoping that’d do something, it didn’t. I need something that actually works? I’m seeing a psychologist but it’s not helping at all.

I cant seem to get this song out of my head. Its “adams song” by blink 182. It feels kind of perfect for explaining the way I feel. “ I never thought id die alone. Another 6 months I’ll be unknown. Give all my things to all my friends. You’ll never step foot in my room again.” I think that’s the song im going to put on repeat in my room when I kill myself.

I want to say that I’ve never been as stressed as I am now but my whole life has always been so filled with it. I grew up with a skitzophrenic unmedicated mother from age 5-16. My two older siblings are mentally slow and one of my younger brothers suffers from severe autism. I spent my whole childhood in fear of my mother and had a constant worry that she would die due to multiple suicide attemps. I have done everything since adulthood to seperate my self from the constant family stress and create happiness for myself. Instead my mother […]

I’ve been crying all the time for no reason and can’t seem to stop. Yesterday i purchased a helium canister and other items to gas myself. I just want it all to be over. What’s wrong with me? I don’t even know why I feel this way. I’m 33

I have looked through many of these suicide stories. Notes, left from people who were in their final approach to their decisions of suicide. I have read stories of people who have lost loved ones and can no longer go on. I have read about those who have come to the conclusion that suicide is the only way to exit the pain. I decided to share my story. I am now 18. It has been over a year and a half since I had reached my limit.

A few days before my 17th birthday, I had been thinking. You see at the time, I had done […]

For years I have not been happy. I put on the fake smile and laugh along with friends and coworkers. I pretend to be having a blast when in fact I feel absolutely alone despite being in a crowd. I hide the cuts and bruises I give myself, or make up excuses (“fell down the stairs again”)

I have always hated my physical appearance. I have never had a serious relationship, likely due to the fact that my father abandoned my mother and I when I was small and I have had little contact with him over the years. I don’t know how to bond with […]

i’m sick of  trying to feel happy and pretending to be happy. I’m just going to go to my f****** doctor and get some depression pills. Maybe they will work can i  even get depression pills at 14 idk but if it dont work I hope i choke on them or i might overdose myself on them.

I can’t believe what is happening to me. I failed my exam for the second time. Why? I’m so ashamed..I worked so hard. I’m so hurt..this has shaken me up really bad. I’ve only got 2 more attempts before I get kicked out. Then I won’t have a job. I’ll be a total loser..even more of a loser than I am now.

How did it come to this? How did my life suddenly spiral out of control like this? I work hard, I try so hard..but it’s not good enough. My heart is broken.

Each day I feel like I’m walking through tar. I don’t want to […]

I’m going to be 34 soon and don’t ever feel that I will make it. I have this constant fixation on killing myself and cannot afford medications. I have lost my job, have not worked in over a year. I have run out of money, racked up a huge amount of medical debt from being hauled off in a cop car to the hospital and all I want to do is get on medication and get stable. I had to move in with my parents who don’t understand or even really care about my panic, anxiety, depression and isolation. I […]

Another Saturday is here and again I’m sat at this damn computer thinking too much…

One thing that popped into my head with the whole suicide thing is this whole idea of life being a test…If suicide counts as you failing this “test” and when you die your brought before some god or being or whatever what would you say…I personally think I’d try to rip it’s damn head off lol…anything that would make you live your life in pain or depression and then accuse you of failing because you decided you didn’t want to deal with it anymore…well it’s certainly not a god as we […]

Strange thing is I have survived three suicides already….my first big love and my son’s father blew his head off with a 25.06 rifle and then HIS two brothers overdosed within the following year. I took my son from that small town and ran. Been runnng ever since. Can’t run far enough though. They tell me I have PTSD and Anxiety disorder and try to feed me antidepressants but often I can’t afford the damn therapy anyway and no one …I don’t care who they are can ever say they understand. We can never understand each other’s minds. People are all different…like snowflakes. I get told […]

I recently attended a memorial for a woman who died of cancer in her early 40s. She was beloved by the community which was attested by the fact there were over 700 people in attendance. She obviously was a loving individual as you don’t get that many people otherwise unless you’re a celebrity or famous person which she wasn’t.

If there would be a memorial for my demise there would be very few people. This is notable and in hindsight pretty pathetic really when all you ever believed in was to love and be loved. Well I never did figure that out. How to do it […]

Sometimes you’re just too far gone and NOBODY can help…..it’s been a wild ride but tonights the night it all ends….God forgive me

I originally posted this about a almost a year ago and unfortunately I still haven’t worked up the courage to kill myself. Nothing has changed except I haven’t seen a mouse in awhile but if I’m not running the ac, I can  smell dead mice. I didn’t want to rewrite this, so I’m just reposting it. Today is my birthday. I’m 45 today and all I want for my birthday is the courage to end my life.. Or to die in my sleep. My preferred method of death is by drowning. There’s a place not too far my house where I think I could do […]

I care. I care for so many people. But all I’ll get is a fucking dick response no matter what. It isnt easy to wake up with no one giving a fuck about your tommorow, yet I put on a damn smiley fface for everyone, I’m just an accessory to everyone’s ego. Well I’m fucking sick of it. I try so hard to be a kind person but I just get it spat in my face. Even my mom ignores me for that boyfriend. I see her 2 hours a week cause she decided to move in and not tell him about me, and I […]

I honestly don’t know how to describe how I feel about even posting here. There are so many things going right in my life, and yet I believe that so much more is wrong wrong wrong. I’m married to a wonderful woman, and that is, and she is the highlight of my life. Not one minute before I met her I had “decided” what I would do for whatever my lifetime would be… Ugh this is hard… Anyway, leave it to the Hollywood Conspiracy to make an axiom a funny, “The nerds were right.” I believe the nerds are still right about the world and […]

Another day of feeling like shit. What can I say I’m good at it? All I ever really here is how bad I am and can do. Here is my story.
When I was little life could do no harm. Ya there were […]

Hello. I was born to self-destruct. I feel crushed. I wish I’d done this a long time ago. I just wish I didn’t have to imagine the awful pain in my wonderful Emily’s eyes. I love you, sweetie. I love you so much.

I am ready, but my girlfriend and my band mates aren’t.