(context: i am incredibly mentally ill and my brain swarms with thoughts that arent mine and are actively cognicidal to perceive and its pretty dope tbh)

So, it’s kind of just horrific! idk! There’s only so many ways I can describe it. My brain: isn’t mine! The thoughts: only get worse! What, will comparing my situation to Harlan Ellison make it any better? Will it really? Probably not! And just… Idk.

I don’t have a single reason to be alive; I actively do not want to! It is a putrefying thought to be alive, it’s anathemic to every single piece of myself that it can be, it’s […]

WHY in fucking September is it still 94 fucking degrees? For the past 4 fucking months, it’s been blisteringly hot and humid and disgusting. Sweat dripping literally 10s after you step outside.

THEN in a week, it goes from hot, sweltering summer 90s weather, to suddenly being cold, so cold that you now need a fucking jacket during the morning and nights. A week ago you sweated through your tank top and shorts!

And HOW is it possible for it to be both HUMID and COLD? WTF?
The temperature has dropped significantly during the morning and night, and it’s quite chilly now, but […]

Why is it that some ppl have to suffer so much while others have it made, without having done anything to deserve it? Some ppl win the birth lotto- 99% of your life is determined by who you’re born to and where. Who your parents are and how much wealth they have (or not) 100% determines your fate. If you were born in Africa, you’d be screwed (yes i know, not all parts of Africa are bad off). If your parents were selfish assholes and never treated you well since a baby, well, you’re in for a lifetime of mental issues/depression/trauma, […]

There is no meaning of life. We just exist, and die. And life goes on, and on, and on. For million, billion of years, etc etc etc.

We are just a speck of dust in the vast universe, in the grand scheme of things.

Of course, 90% (or 99%?) of people (human beings) will always try to find or give ‘meaning/purpose’ in their own insignificant lives, because the reason is simple: it’s survival instinct. Human beings (people) will (usually) try to keep living, keep surviving, no matter what. It’s evolutionary. It’s in human nature.
Even if it means people (humans) will create anything as their toxic positivity […]

I wish I didn’t stay up so late. No one to talk to. Everything starts suffocating me. I’ve been so low for months, years, unable to seem to take care of myself hygienically for so long. Especially my teeth. My teeth are starting to crumble and crack. I know I must have multiple cavities. My 2 front teeth are coming out in bits in pieces. It’s pretty embarrassing. I just feel like a failure. An embarrassment. I guess I’m going to the dentist soon. More money wasted on me for appointments. As if eyes weren’t enough. Yay. I never really enjoyed the dentist. Scared, even. […]

I do not know how not to be alive. At the same time; I am not, in many ways! Emotions and thoughts and feelings and opinions and identity are all eroded like chalk cliffs in front of a roiling coastline and they are hewn to the rotting bone and they are diseased and dying and scraped away entirely. So, I’m kind of a non-person!

But I keep doing a few (very few, as I’ve mentioned I barely move, I eat rarely, I do not engage in any activities, I have not talked to my last two friends in so long) person things. I do a farce […]

So the short version is this:

I was in a guild in this money-sucking game.

1- The Guild Master and the top SIX members left suddenly, without warning and without notice. Basically dooming the guild and everyone that was left.
2- So I joined another guild. That guild kicked me out after like less than hour. I ofc hadn’t done anything. No decency to even message me as to why I was kicked out.
3- So I joined another guild but that guild was a baby guild and there’s no one on my level to do Adventures with.
4- So I left and […]

The stereotype of the old crochety senior citizen is true- I’m now “middle age” but the older I get, the more people and things annoy me. And the less I patience I have with humans and things in this world.

1. Crying babies / screaming toddlers / unruly little shits
Holy shit- I can’t take the screaming little brats. I just wish I could go and smack them. *whack!* lol I swear, kids were MUCH better behaved when I was younger. Previous generations smacked their kids if they misbehaved or were […]

There was this sci-fi episode- possibly an Outer Limits episode- where the Father in this small town had the ability to make anyone and anything disappear. They’d get transported into this other “dimension.” The Daughter turns out to be even more powerful than the Father as she is able to bring people/anything she sent away back.

Anyhow, I fucking WISH I could make ppl disappear. Or at least send them to another dimension so that they’d fucking behave when you let them back.

OFC, this only works if you are the only person that has this ability. If more than a few ppl […]

If you are feeling particularly low about the world or on the edge of going through on it due to the state of the world then perhaps skip this post…

Imagine “winning” the lottery only to find out you have to win it again with similarly steep odds to actually recieve the cash. I guess one could find solace in the fact that we weren’t asked to enter the first game anyway. In fact we find that those who didn’t win were the lucky ones. I speak of course about being born and then having to clutch at straws to be allowed to actually live.

Lets be […]

People ask, where do I wanna be

What do I wanna do

Where do I wanna end up

And I don’t fucking know

I feel like a Toy Story toy, I’m nothing without someone else playing with me, putting me in construed situations, pulling my strings, I’m happiest and most myself when I can go limp and silent in their hands and at the end of the day be put back in my place

My selfhood and my drive, my determination and my will, my so-called creativity, all are brief battles

Tumultuous unguided and unpredictable bursts that only […]

20 hours ago, I decided to start lessening my night meds some more, because I had an appointment across town at 9 AM, so I needed to get up by 8 AM. Hell of a night, not in a good way, I tossed and turned and maybe got 3 hours of sleep. But when I woke up I wasn’t that tired…. and it was just, I’ve been sleeping an average of 9 hours a night. I don’t buy into the modern humanity trend of undersleep…. because sleep is like a dry run for death, it’s literally the best thing.

but I figured I could get away […]

I’ve had three failed suicide attempts over the years, twice in my teens, once in my late twenties.  Each time no one should have been there, it should have worked.   Living since then with the humiliation of a reluctant survivor, I’ve always felt cheated.   While life has improved on many fronts since then, and by all accounts I really should have nothing to complain about, suicidal ideation still haunts me on a regular basis.   I can’t help but feeling that I need to finally see this through.   I didn’t ask to be brought into this world, I reserve the right to exit.

My therapist asked what […]

I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been made a prisoner of my own brain by something that has ingrained itself deeper than I can tear it out and I cannot stand it anymore! I have barely been able to move besides when absolutely necessary for months because of something that, as people keep telling me and telling me, it’s all in my head! The thought’s, apparently, aren’t real! Not that I didn’t already know that from the onset of this. Ugh.

Something my brain (the parts of my brain are seem to not fit entirely well together anymore; it feels as though there are […]

So I’m playing this game that requires you to be in a guild and last night, the guildmaster/leader suddenly tells us in chat that he’s “too busy” to be a guild leader anymore and left the guild- WITH the TOP strongest 5-6 players. They ALL left together. Sounds like they all left to start another guild on their own, or jumping to another server. Very SUS that ALL 6 top strongest players left all at the same time. There’s only 30 ppl allowed in a guild so 6 is a LOT.

Pretty fucking shitty what the GM did, leaving so suddenly and […]

I’m here again because I have nowhere else to be. 

These past couple years, my life has really gone downhill. I don’t know why. I keep trying to fix things and make my life better, but it feels like every single choice I make is the wrong one. It only gets worse. Everytime I think that it’s the worst life can get, things get worse. And worse. And it never stops.

I tried making friends, I tried eating healthier, I tried exercising and being outside more, I tried alcohol, I tried drugs, I tried therapy. It doesn’t work. It’s just not working and I feel so fucking […]

This is a rant.

It all makes me angry.
Can’t afford anything, stuck in a job I despise for 3 years now. It’s one of those jobs where the job isn’t difficult per say, but the work environment and the management are atrocious, complete garbage. So many people who’d been there for longer than I have up and left because they were fed up with it too, and that’s my cue to leave. Taking a sick day because I’m fed up with the place.

Yet all I see are jobs that pay less than this one, or jobs that pay more that I […]

And here we go again… I come here when im at the lowest of the low. When i REALLY want to take action. I read other posts and I sometimes leave one myself. It seems pretty pointless. But then again so does everything right now. Why do i bother. I must want to have hope or I dont think I would bother. It would be easier for me to go. But not easier for my family. UGH There seems to be no help for my feelings or thoughts. I have tried everything and so many different meds. They dont help. I have done counseling blah […]

I’ve been putting this off. Like usual. I’ve been putting a lot off. School and lab assignments. Helping with that computer thing for my brother. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like doing anything. What to talk about. There really isn’t much. I’m just trying to take it day by day. Last Thursday I got absolutely shit faced. I avoided drinking for about three weeks. I had been drinking quite a bit and getting drunk was starting to get harder. I heard that if you take a break and come back, the […]

I hate myself. Why do I try to do anything ever. I always fail, if not that way then in another. I’m not enough for anyone. My “friends” that I made in the fucking mental hospital abandoned me. And I know people always say “don’t be friends with people from the hospital, outside of the hospital” but I don’t care. This was different. I love them with my whole heart, and they threw me away like I was nothing. Like I am nothing. And I hate hate hate them for it. Is that fair of me? I don’t fucking care anymore. They left me behind […]