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life seems more unappealing as the days go on realizing more and more everyday how much of a burden you are to everyone you love and you only cause inconvenience or pain and make everyone not want to talk to you because you’re nothing but a pile of rot. and then you realize it would be beneficial if you died because your best friend would surely be happier with a different friend and your partner could be happier without your existence and your family doesnt have to live with a disappointment everyday because they know you’re just a worthless loser. so then you sit in […]

So I went to the doctor on Tuesday, the head doctor, only doctor I go to. I got a PA, which is always an adventure. This one was decent, I’m not complaining. Rather, new provider, I’ve got to give her the gist of what’s going on with me. What’s going on with me? Sleep problems, eating problems, a couple severely suicidal moments in the past two weeks. Not particularly suicidal right now, because I’d have to care to be that.

My heart broke for her a bit, she tried to cheer me up,  “Hey I see you got into *prestigious university*, that’s awesome” and I’m like […]

There is nothing but bad shit on the horizon and beyond. What is 100% ahead of us?

-old age
-sagging skin
-wrinkles
-more health problems
-aching everything
-every body part starts to fall apart
-less able to DO things

I am middle age so not “old” yet but I just don’t see any fucking “silver lining.”
I already have health problems, and the older you get, the worse it gets. So it’s nothing but misery ahead for me.

You’d think that hunger would force us to go out and get food. But nope. Depression > Hunger. I haven’t been eating regular/much the last few months and yet I’ve GAINED weight. WTF. -_-

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I can’t believe there are people out there my age that don’t feel the way I do . That aren’t lonely and isolated. That don’t think about killing themselves almost everyday. That have friends and are happy.

I went to the store today and saw a group of teenage boys. They were laughing, smiling, chasing each other around the store. It made me so jealous I wanted to cry. Seeing people my age enjoy being a teenager makes me feel so shitty.

I just wish I could be a normal teenager. I wish I had friends so I didn’t feel so lonely all the time. I wish […]

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Why does this world have to suck so much?

Through the years, I’ve been dreaming about returning to the house I grew up in. It’s up for sale again. Painful, you know. I just close my eyes and the memories flood in. I want it back so badly.

I wish I could undo most of my life. Hell, I’d go all the way back to say HS. I’d apply to a different college. My whole trajectory would have been different then. WAY different.

My life has been in shambles, in ruins, the last 15 years. Well, 18 years is when it went downhill. But definitely shitty AF the last 15. And it’s gotten progressively worse. The last few years has been hell. It’s come to a point where this trajectory is leading me to a quick trip to hell soon.

I want to know WHEN my life will get better, if ever?
It’s been so long that I’ve lost my will the past 15 years.
Not much fight/hope/will/determination/desire left in me…

There’s no way to know unless we have a crystal ball and a crystal […]

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It’s so hard to just function when my mind is consumed by how completely I’ve fucked up my life. Let alone do anything to be productive or improve my situation. I waste half the day wrestling with twisted fantasies, grasping for some kind of real foundation on which to base my life. Most of the rest is given over to sadness and regret. Why do my work, when I’m a worthless, unlovable, unbearably neurotic arsehole? Why do what’s necessary to prolong life, when my life will never be worth living? It’s like trying to drag an impossibly heavy weight behind you.

I want to be someone […]

I’m the reason why I’m the way I am. A mess, unable to properly convey myself to the people who truly give a shit about me.

I’m the problem. I’ve known that since 2016.

I hate the thing I currently am. I’m no person. I’m some ugly machine. A defective one. How do I even tell anyone these things?

I over relied on someone. They’re far away and with someone else now. We’re still friends but when she’s not well, she withdraws from everyone, and I hate that I can’t speak with her. I think I’m trying too hard to keep up […]

I was in a Chinese takeaway last night carefully checking everything I ordered was in the bag, its all fun and games until you get home and and an item is missing, one has no choice but to check the bag there and then on the counter. Whilst I was meticulously checking the bag item by item a verbal bust -up emanated from the kitchen. ” Fuck you” said a voice from the kitchen, ” No, fuck you” said another voice from the kitchen. The kitchen door swung open and a delivery driver stormed out with what I deduced was the owner in hot pursuit. […]

sloopy / what bad self harm looked like before treatment

she’s doing much better now

I love her so much

I don’t get why she waits for me. She calls me. Checks on me. When distance was the right intervention. I miss being as close as we used to be. In different ways, she made […]