Perhaps self deceit was the very thing necessary for my survival for a season. Focusing on anything but the real issue distracted me, protecting me from experiencing the trauma I suffered and caused. Despite some truly wonderful people I met here, for me SP was not a safe place to share the deep hurts. It was not a place of healing. But that’s not why most people come here, is it? I came here to find the best way to die. Then I came here to commiserate. Then I came because of the wonderful, beautiful messed up people here. We managed to laugh despite of […]
To preface, I am very drunk. Like really drunk. i wanted to be drunk when I posted again. I’ve been putting this off for more than a month. My head’s been leaking, but I kept putting it off. This summer has been ok. Nothing major happened. Just working at a grocery store. Nothing much else. But school is slowly coming. I don’t really think it has sunk in. Once it does, I’m pretty sure I’ll be a nervous wreck. But until then, I’ll keep on keeping on. My mother’s birthday was the 28th […]
Yesterday was my birthday and it was supposed to be a happy day but as I blew the candles out I wished for death. I wish that I would die that day that I wouldn’t wake up that I didn’t have to be alive anymore that something would put me out of my misery. This time I had a great birthday I had all the means to be happy, but for some reason no matter how good the birthday was there was an extreme overwhelming, feeling of numbness of misery of loneliness, and I just wanted to run in away from it all. I was […]
i was diagnosed with CPTSD 2 years ago. it stemmed from my ex. sexual assault and attempted rape. i met someone january 2022, he’s been my boyfriend since july 2022. we still havent had sex. he says he doesnt mind, which i believe: i know other people around us think its weird though (they don’t know what im still suffering with). i know its weird though. i mean fuck ive had a bf for over a year and still freeze when we go to have sex because of my past. whats wrong with me? it cant be normal at this rate. im scared my past […]
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Normal people obviously can’t relate to us. Only those in our situations can. SP is a place where we can all relate to depression/suicide and can talk openly. Which is a nice thing and something sadly lacking in 99% of all online or IRL spaces. BUT we all have our own different issues. What afflicts me is not what afflicts others on here. Say for example chronic illness. Or the other myriad health problems I have. Or financial problems. Or age.
There’s a good chunk of people here who are in HS/College/Very young who aren’t […]
Why is it so hard to stop believing something negative about myself and this world if I constantly get evidence that it isn’t true? Why can’t my stupid brain just understand what I want it to believe and what I don’t want it to believe. I’m debating on drinking again because I can feel the fear in my body. Even though I understand my beliefs are unwarranted, my body still behaves the way someone in fear does.
Sometimes I wish I was just a robot, maybe then I could turn off certain emotions like an on/off switch. I really hate being human. Sometimes I wish I […]
If nothing is changing then how much longer can I go on
I never really felt lonely as a child, though I spent much of the time on my own. The awareness that a few rooms away was someone who loved and accepted me unconditionally was enough.
Now I spend nearly all of my time alone, and I feel an all-consuming void in my life where other people would normally be, that grows larger every year. I see family who care about me once a week at most, and the pervasive awareness that they wouldn’t be able to accept who I really am now leads me to feel distanced and separated from even them.
I have no friends. I […]
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I am so disinterested in everything that I don’t even have the motivation to catch the bus.
That’s my problem, always thinking but never acting. That’s what depression and fatigue does to ya. And then not acting leads to even worse depression… -_-
Some thoughts are causing me extreme pain, they won’t go away. I have gained weight, due to medication and I also eat like crazy. It’s gotten out of control, I used to do exercise at home and eat only particular things. I think my bad mentality got me addicted. I have given up a long time ago.
I do maybe know what I am going to study with my 25 years of meaningless existence oh so far. That’s a first for me. But I cannot imagine going out all the time. It’s so stressful for me, because I find myself revolting. I can’t handle any more […]
heh, it’s funny to me, how easy it is to forget what I’ve been running from. Easy isn’t the right word, it took me nine years to get to the point of rolling back that which helped me forget, namely really powerful medications. Power is the thing, the obsession, the part of myself that has terrified me. It was brought back to me by an author I thought was dead, writing a story about giving into a desire to be used, to be drawn to an irresistable force. My whole life, that’s been the holy grail.
Of course part of it is fantasizing about becoming such […]
I used this site years ago. Then my life changed, and I didn’t need to anymore. Or so I thought. If only trauma were that easy to recover from.
Today I feel like it might even be impossible for me to fully and permanently recover from. I will always be this broken. I will always be on the outside looking in. I will always be waiting for someone else to decide when — or if — my life gets to begin.
Every day like this breaks me a little further. Keeps me that little bit more removed from the possibility of healing.
that I’m in this situation. I never wanted to move to x state to begin with. Never wanted to move in with mother bc she’s fucking crazy. But nooo, everyone wanted me to move in, and me stupidly wasn’t aware at how crappy and awful the conditions in the house were. And then I got convinced to move into the “studio” where it’ll be “renovated.” pffft. The place is still a dump. What got renovated was done a shit job by the contractor. And what wasn’t renovated was the other half and it’s all rotten old wood […]
Some of you may remember me from around 2018, I posted a lot about how intensely I was trying to end things. Some years after that I posted about how everything got better and how I’m great now.
Well, those good things that happened are over now and I’m right back here where I started.
So hi everyone
It’s been a decent week for once. (I took this picture a suicide attempt ago.) I drank SN and just kept watching the sky change colors. I don’t feel as hopeless now. It’s just, a lot of effort throwing the bottle away. Like I’ll need it or something. it’s hard letting go…I’m supposed to start somewhere. I’m keeping it for now