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Tag:
always
This year I was diagnosed with a metabolic disorder towards my eyes. And my diet changed completely.
Then around May time this year I started to feel depressed, suicidal and I had anxiety. And I started cutting.
Then I promised my best friend I would stop cutting. I broke that promise twice. This time I promised and he made me swear on his life:(
A month ago I found out my dietitian thinks I need Physchologist, she thinks something’s wrong with me.
About a week ago I had surgery. And then about 2days ago I did the most stupidest move in the world and it could’ve ruined my life. […]
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I can’t help but want to scream when the memories of this day flash through my mind, as if they were not memories, but annoyed spirits. They fly around inside of my head, touching every aspect of my mind, looking for the slightest excuse to gain control and make my life a living hell. They seem to be a sentient thing, a personality outside, and yet within, myself. Made specifically to destroy me, and gruesomely efficient at their work. Perhaps, if they truly are sentient, they enjoy their work, and that is where their almost deadly determination and efficiency originates from.
They hurt by reminding […]
At age 34, I’ve dealt with the darkness many times over, faced the abyss, waking up to the desire to no longer be here, but pushing through anyways, retaining a sliver of hope for better days, however long it may be to see them again.
Becoming crippled in my prime, on crutches for 7 months, knee braces for another year and 1/2, struggling to finish college while majority of my peers go about their days oblivious to the able bodied gifts they’d take for granted..The physical pain meaningless in comparison to the psychological, will I ever get better? Is this the new reality? I never got […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kItuXocJUwk
Whispers in the wind do I only hear when you’re not here
I bought you flowers so a petal falls every time my pedal hits metal
For every risky move I breathe in a soft wish for death
But you already know that…
I ask for nothing but peace for you as your memory lays 6 millimeters under
May the wounds of your fathers stop in the afterlife where answers come
I wasn’t the best grandson but may my intentions and good heart be plain as day
But you already see that…
There weren’t always obvious roads to take in the clouds of confusion
Paths I rejected accepted me wholeheartedly until I was too […]
Someone help me. Even if it is just to talk. I’m suffering.
I can’t contain my demons anymore.
You did this.
You made me do this.
It was always there.
Lurking in the shadows.
I kept my demons at bay.
I always managed to hide them behind my wonderful smile. My… Laughter…
You did this.
You broke me.
You pushed me to the very edge.
I’m there.
So take it. It’s exactly what you deserve.
Don’t apologize.
I don’t want to hear you say, “Ek is jammer.”
For what I am going to do to you
For the pain I will inflict on you
Just know, “Ek is nie jammer.”
I […]
Your life fucking sucks. You don’t really mean anything because compared to how many other people there are in the world you’re nothing, and compared to how much time there has been and there will be you’re nothing. And yet you go through so much stress and pain and crying. So your life pretty much sucks ass. And you’re a fucking jerk because other people have it way worse than you. Some people don’t have parents. Some people don’t have a home. Some people don’t have anything to fucking eat. And you’re always whining “I’m depressed, I’m not loved enough.” You are pathetic. You deserve […]
So my friend had a boyfriend who used her in so many ways. And they’ve been going out on and off for many years (3 or 4 years?) So about a week or two ago he shows up at her house after a few good months and they get back together and now I feel totally betrayed. I helped her get over him and I was even there when she broke it off with him. He is toxic. He does drugs, drinks, and is a compulsive liar to everyone. He has even been in jail. I wasn’t even surprised they got back together after my […]
Warning: for those reading this, I apologize for the lengthy post. I just can’t help but feel trapped in my body. It seems I can never escape the thoughts in my mind besides when I’m sleeping. I just want to sleep forever.
Why is it always me??? Why can’t I find the happiness I so truly want and deserve? Why do I feel unwanted? Used? Betrayed? Unloved? Is something wrong with me? Maybe I’m destined to be alone forever..and if that’s the case, why am I still here? The man I love doesn’t seem to love me back… yet I’ll find any excuse to try and […]
Make me hurt
Scratch and tear at my mind
Come on, I actually want it this time
Where are you when I need you?
Rip my heart apart
Why not
WHY NOT
Why not, you bastard
I’m begging for it
I want it
I need it
Give it to me
How dare you abandon me
When you’ve been my faithful companion for so long
You
The one thing that has always been there
You liar
You said you’d never leave
I believe you
You’ll never leave
You Goddamn monster
You’re fucking sick
Does it please you
To watch me bleed on the ground
I loved you once
I think we all do
Then we hate you
We wish you dead
You’re deep inside of me
The only way you’ll die is if I do
And […]
I’m 30 years old. Nearly everyone has cheated on me. I think that my boyfriend will if he hasn’t already. There is always something for him that I have to fix about myself. I feel like I can never be good enough. My family is fed up with me complaining about him, because it’s my choice to be with him. I don’t want to break up with him because I remember what it was like to have him fawning over me, and I think that somewhere he cares. I’m so confused, I don’t know who the true person is for him. He’s criticized my weight […]
whether I want it or not. I don’t want to cut myself nor do I want to die anymore the mere thought seems absurd to me. Sometimes it’s hard to believe I used to want to not only that but I attempted suicide countless times. Yay such a huge step but the truth is I’m still sad inside the only difference is I’d rather live with the sadness than die and feel nothing. I have so many issues that plague me for one I have become emotionally numb that or maybe I haven’t found anyone worth having feelings for. I use sex as some coping […]
It’s Hard
It’s hard, nearly impossible, to describe the way one feels when they are with her. It cannot be grasped from a single emotion or moment in time, but comes from knowing her. How when you talk to her, you can be honest, but you cannot be ignorant. Or the little jokes and common things that always seem to be there. A humor with the occasional sadistic twist. Difficulty to make her smile, even in the best of times. Her insistence on making everyone wear a seatbelt in her car, no matter what the distance may be. Something that isn’t quite being cold, but isn’t […]
I can’t stand it when my mom comes home. She is usually home 2-3 days a week. She always has something bad to say to me. Today I mentioned to my parents about a stomach pain that’s been happening for almost a week now. And she told me I’m faking it. Its nothing. Just take some zantac etc. I’ve had stomach problems for the last two months on and off and still haven’t been to the doctors. My dad finally spoke up and said maybe I should go to the doctor. Anyways my mom…honestly sucks. She never has anything nice to say about me. It’s […]
I went to the Buddhist center with my roommate and he was volunteering there and I was with a woman who is some regional leader that he’s close to and people were chanting for 2 hours. So I did the 2 hours of chanting then most everyone moved to the auditorium and even though we were just listening to people speak and not chanting, I had a vision that I’d live somewhere past 85 and I would always be alone, never marry, never have anyone, and never have sex again from this time forward. I didn’t think I’d be homeless and I don’t know how […]
it’s been awhile since i have been here. i was hoping not to feel compelled to write here again but circumstances have decided otherwise. it has been a rough year for me.when my birthday came around i had every intention of being dead. i had made arrangements, secured a means, everything was set to go. then the day came and for some reason i couldn’t do it. a few short days later i had a very ugly and traumatic breakup with both my shrink and therapist. and yet i survived. i have been off psych meds for the first time in over 20 years. things […]
The way I perceive reality is troubling. I don’t know if it’s that I have an unrealistically bleak outlook, or that I’m too emotionally weak to accept the truth. But it’s hard to get my head around.
It seems to me that humans are evolved to seek advantage in whatever way we can. We find our place within the social structure, and then develop ways of pursuing power and status. These ways can be hugely diverse and obscure, but what links them all is some demonstration of fitness. Maybe we cultivate our appearance. Our sense of humour. Athletic prowess. Our knowledge. Or our artistic talent. Our […]
Hello beauitful pple and all of you are 🙂 sorry i have not been on to post just been really busy with shoping for xmas my gosh i always get a headach when i go to the mall how do i post a youtube vid on my post ? And that is it for now i hope you all have a great night and always remember your beauitul in and out