Warning: for those reading this, I apologize for the lengthy post. I just can’t help but feel trapped in my body. It seems I can never escape the thoughts in my mind besides when I’m sleeping. I just want to sleep forever.
Why is it always me??? Why can’t I find the happiness I so truly want and deserve? Why do I feel unwanted? Used? Betrayed? Unloved? Is something wrong with me? Maybe I’m destined to be alone forever..and if that’s the case, why am I still here? The man I love doesn’t seem to love me back… yet I’ll find any excuse to try and love him still because it is so much better than to face everything alone. I’ve been used so many times in the past…I guess I’m just used to it.
I just want to feel like for once in my life..I am enough for somebody. I just never seem to be enough for someone. I always love too much..care too much..feel too much for people who don’t give a damn about me. Yet I love them still..tsk..how tragically pathetic.
I cried myself to sleep again last night. I always thought there was something romantic about fighting for someone. About winning them back, about eventual happiness. But as I lay here with stones in my chest where hope used to lie, I have come to realize that there is nothing lovely about trying to convince someone to love you.
I’m just tired of being here…I don’t want to do this anymore…
To my lovely family: I love you all so much.. But I can’t seem to find the strength or the will to go on anymore. I never meant to hurt any of you and I’m sorry.
To my one and only love, I am sorry. Not a lot of people thought we could last. I guess they were right..despite my effort of trying so desperately hard to prove them wrong. I wish I could say love could be my salvation..I just wish you could’ve seen what was right in front of you. I loved you better than anyone and yet I love you still…I just wish I was enough..I wish I was strong enough to stay here.
5 comments
I’m so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is you won’t ever stop loving. Start walking forward. By walking forward you give your live purpose. Even if that purpose is simply putting one foot in front of the other. There is someone waiting to take your hand but the only way to find them is to start walking away from the pain you are currently in. I will be thinking kind thoughts of you today.
I relate to this so much. I’ve felt that I give and love more in a relationship (platonic or romantic) than the other person does. But I don’t think it’s actually (always) true even if I feel like it is. I think it’s depression that makes it feel that way.
Sometimes I like to imagine that my life is a novel and it is at the point in the novel where the protagonist (me) has just experienced something devastating- but it is only in the middle or start of the novel. There is still time for the protagonist to recover, still plenty of time to get to the happy ending.
Do your thoughts make it difficult or impossible to focus? I find that it helps to do something that forces me to think logically (instead of emotionally). I’ve done a lot of sudoku lately. It doesn’t make the feelings go away, but it’ll at least distract me.
@evil: that is one of the best life metaphors I have heard this month. I am the protagonist of my own story. Brilliant!
@broken. I like listening to Hazy and friends they help. And evilandelions is right. Thinking logically instead of emotionally is a good distraction. Like although my suffering has subsided some. im trying to learn a different language and math subjects that i never learned. So it helps involving my mind to think of other things while time moves on. And i do feel alittle better. Oh! And my dad mentioned once, ppl change eventually. Thoughts feelings etc. So i feel i have hope for u too. I hope u hang in there… Like i did
Hi broken_angel , i feel for you , but don’t forget , it may be he who is the fucked up one.
To me you sound like a good catch. He may be just stupid , and think he is better than he really is.
A man like him can very easy end up a lonely old man , living all alone and regretting big time.
You are just designed to care , you are probably one of the good people , most people are not , most people think of nothing except themself.
You are not pathetic or stupid. I don’t even know you and live thousands of miles away. And i like you
Maybe i am in luck and you actually live in NZ.
But no such luck i suspect.
I hope you are still here , don’t give up , i am alone and would like someone to love , i suppose you are in the U.S.
There will be thousands of really good men , that would love to love you. Your country is massive.
Just make them work for it , make someone deserve your love and personality.
To me you sound like a person who may be a bit insecure , and there is probably a good reason , but don’t despair .
Please don’t hurt yourself. Dont worry about hurting family or anyones feelings , its your turn to be selfish , save yourself for you and fuck everyone else.
Good luck , and you are an angel , and only slightly broken
Cheers and warm regards Grant