You never let me do anything. You “said” you always wanted me to “grow as a person” but whenever I didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you hit me. You starved me for days without food, and called me names nobody should ever be called. You measured love by success and trophies, and made sure to cover up all my bruises before a competition. You stole my glory from me. My victories were never MY victories, whenever you talked to admiring parents, they became YOUR victories that I had gained because of you. While enduring this, the flute became my only friend. Well you know […]
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always
I guess I am writing this for everyone else out there who understands what I’ve gone through. To know you aren’t alone nor are you ever alone no matter how much you may feel that way its not true. I have been battling depression and suicidal tendencies since I was 8 years old. From age 9 to 17 I was raped and molested by my friends father. He is in jail now, but it really messed me up. I started cutting starving binging and purging because i needed to control something again because of how much I had lost. I didn’t know what else to […]
I can feel it in my palms, the way they sweat more than usual. Like when I’m anxious (always) they get a little clammy. But these past few weeks I’ve had this feeling. That strange feeling , its even difficult for me to comprehend. & I feel it in my gut everyday. Ya’ know, most people tell me “don’t do it, you’re selfish if you do.” “you’d kill yourself over a person who killed themselves? that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” But the truth is, it’s not the dumbest thing a person has heard. Especially if that person was now left alone, due to […]
This is it. I’ve finally reached the ultimate irreversible thought of suicide, and never going back to the ‘so called’ dumb shit life. It’s gonna be a slow suicide anyway, it’ll probably take about 2 weeks for me to be completely dead, without being taken to the hospital. Now the hardest part is to pretend like I’m not dying haha. I’d like to say sincere goodbye to my dumb life, and my closest one’s, who’d hurt me too much that I didn’t want to live anymore. I have no worries that I’m leaving my parents behind. They truly don’t need a worhtless child as me. […]
So I found out that I possibly have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and everything makes sense now. And I just want to kill myself because I just don’t know what is real and what is not. And I don’t want to live in this hell for the rest of my life.
I am not quite sure if I have it, but I have almost all symptoms and I fit every description of a person with BPD. I have mood swings, the “I hate you, don’t leave me, It’s your fault, I love as a brother…”, the getting angry for small things, the obsessions, paranoia, easily getting […]
Nothing to look forward to.
Nothing to keep me strong.
~
She died alone, her last few days on earth
caged. Knowing this, my heart breaks.
~
The stars were never meant for me to see.
Just a shit hole, that is what will always be.
~
Many, many times I passed up security for true love, because I wanted love that was passionate and consuming. It has been almost two years, and only within this past month, I begun to heal in some way from him.
~
She died lost and scared, thrown away. Her body tossed into the incinerator.
Knowing this, my heart cannot bear.
I […]
Tomorrow the cycle
My human
Tree like the oak
Long-sacred
What do you call this
Crossing line of design
I am here to go and to find
I’ve always been on my own, the reason
Cast from paragon
Conquer the dark, the dragon
…
And then, I’ma play Pokemon.
do we lose people in order to teach ourselves to be stronger because the people we lost were the ones we were maybe too close with? Unhealthily relied on people? To teach ourselves you can’t become this dangerously close with someone? Or do we lose people because the human race is selfish and one person is always giving more than they’re getting until ultimately the other person won’t give anything back at all?
why must i live only to be hit.
why must my life always be in pain.
why does no one care when they see this kind of thing?
why is it that when people see the buses they laugh and stare?
why does no one care what happens to me? why does everyone think its funny?
is it because you hear and see it on the news everyday a father who is drunk punches his child and gets a way with it i tryed getting help only to be told you are a lier and a sinner thats why you deserve it. i walk alone on […]
I feel nothing. But at the same time I feel everything. Basically all I can think about is committing suicide. I just want to disappear. I want it all to be gone. I don’t understand what goes on in my mind. I want to be gone. I’m sorry mom and dad. I know I said I would never kill myself I just have to. You want me to be happy and by doing this I will be happy. It’s not your fault. I know I should be greatful for all that I have and I am but all those things don’t make me not want […]
This job did its job. It took me some to understand what has fallen through. I was freaking out initially because such changes always seem terrifying at first. I recalled a post of mine where I wrote that I can’t follow my way because I have to bear the burden of sustaining my body/ I feel obligation towards my parents/ I hate society and can’t help influence of people while interacting with them. It now seems that all these things were direct or indirect products of my not having a job. I am saying that because these things are vanished now, I no longer feel […]
Over the weekend I had one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I can’t help but love him even though he won’t be mine. He admitted to being superficial. But I ended up getting to rub him down with a full body massage. And it was relaxing, in the sense that, it’s a moment I’ve always dreamed of, giving all of my attention to the one I love, in a romantic way. Only thing I couldn’t do is follow it up with kisses, since we’re not at that level. I’m afraid I’ll never see him now that something he’s committed to doing has […]
This time of year always fucks me up, the goddamn school year is starting again. I don’t know, when I look back, the year don’t seem so bad but its the before and during that makes me wanna kill myself? If that makes any sense? Like the anticipation of knowing my anxiety levels will be off the roof again? Knowing that I will be aware of every move and word that comes from my mouth? Knowing that nothing really matters yet I fuckin care and make myself think that I need to impress and make sure people don’t get a hint that I actually want […]
People used to always tell me I looked like my sister… she was my best friend through out all the shit we went through, never leaving my side and always by me. She was my rock but then things just got way out of control and then we separated and it’s still so new to me because I’m not used to not seeing her or her not coming to me for advice … no one told us how hard it is to loose someone so close to you. I wish she could see me living my dream and be there cheering me on but I […]
It feels so empty without him around. My friend, that I met and fell for from day 1, my feelings have just been growing stronger even though I know I don’t have a chance in hell. If I were just half way normal looking and almost a normal size, I might have a chance at the love of my life. Yeah I’m afraid it’s to that point. He has stolen my heart and soul. There are times I get a little aggravated and plenty of times I get hurt in how he can want every girl on the planet but I still don’t have the […]
A song i can relate to….
I think it’s time that I got off the kitchen floor
But is there really any point at all?
Waking up this morning felt the same
Better sleep while life is so mundane
It could have been yesterday that I locked the door
I blocked the windows up so I can’t be sure
Now I haven’t even got the will to eat
I’m lame and self-obsessed, that I will concede
I’d like to light a cigarette but I cannot
The lighter’s dead and the gas has been cut off
I’m the one you always seem to read about
The fire inside my eyes […]
I used to be a very cheerful girl until the day I transferred to a new school. I thought people would accept me if I came here. I mean like this place isn’t my hometown neither is it my home country.
On my first day to this school, I introduced myself with hesitation and nervousness. At the break time, it felt like as if I was already accepted. But I thought way too fast and got it wrong. I was verbally bullied on my first day. I was talked about around the class for that time. But then soon enough they ‘befriended’ […]
ive always been pretty fuckin cocky. but i mean with a mind and body like mine i cant fuckin help it i mean cmon haha. I’ve never felt more in charge of my life and myself than I have since the night of the full moon two nights ago. I looked up and let Dyana go. Dyana is my twin spirit. she latched onto me in the womb to save herself out of fear. so i’d naturally been carrying and protecting her my whole goddamn life. Talk about confusing huh. 26 years of being two people in one body. fuckin nuts man. finally shes […]
My Life has devolved to jerking off and working shitty Job I don’t like. I have lost interest in everyone and everything I hold dear. I am lonely, my lack of social skills precluded any chances of ever getting into a relationship. I had started a relationship with some girl but we separated because of my unenthusiastic depressed ass. I see her pics and she’s pretty thick now, I missed all that, she had charm too and everything I’d always wanted in a Women.
I’m generally a fucking mess. Anybody watched Phillip Seymour in the film Happiness? Yeah that’s me. My fucking life sucks. Fleeting thoughts […]