I look in the mirror and see someone I don’t know. I try really hard to get up everyday, but it is soo hard. I go to school, but I don’t see the point, it’s getting me know where. Applying for jobs is a lot easier said then done. I found out today that my mother helped my sister’s boyfriend find a job and he got it. After she promised that she would help, and she through me under the bus last mouth. She let me do an interview at a school that would have helped me get a degree and I would have had […]
… and it’s true.
I was just told this by my GF after she ran through the checklist of all my failures and shortcomings. As if I was completely unaware and aloof of how utterly fucked I am and have been for the last few years. Now, I’m sure she means to somehow motivate me or in some other way try to light a fire under my ass to somehow ferret my way to at least a treading water type of existence in some clever way – she’d be ecstatic if I could manage that.
What’s funny (ironic/weird type funny … and in a twisted way funny ha […]
I’m sick of people.. And no one likes me. I’m tired of always trying to fit in. People come and go, does anyone really actually stay? And if they do stay, it’s only little interaction, just little thoughts like “i haven’t talked to this person in a while, I guess I’ll see how they’re doing.” And so you talk for maybe 4 messages back and forth and then they leave again. And you sit there optimistically like “oh okay, talk later then”… That hardest part is accepting that, they’re much more apart of your life than you are to theirs.
Imma go pound on my keyboard now. Have […]
it has been many months since i last posted on this website and i honestly thought i was getting better. Then, BAM!!! life gets you down once again and you find yourself asking the same meaningless question : ‘why me?’.
first i lost my family and simultaneously i started to fail my modules and have my bursary tugged away. i keep trying. i keep trying to pull myself up again but i dont understand why i need to suffer so much. so far my career is all i have left but now even that is fading from my life. it isnt like im not trying or […]
It feels like ages ago that I met my boyfriend, only it’s only been a matter of weeks. That time, I was still paying for my own rent with my part time job, and going for a language class.
I was contented with my life that time, because I lived in the same city as my younger sister, who was attending university there. I was new to the city myself, so I had no friends except those I saw in class. It was hard to talk to them more than just “schoolmates” so it was bland for my tastes. I decided to get some folks to […]
Hey guys, I just thought of something random and was wondering if you’d like to join in:
QUESTIONS:
1) describe the nature of your mood, whether it be miserable or ecstatic
2) describe what you think is going to happen to you, and then what you want to happen to you
I’ll start:
1) I don’t even know if I have a ‘mood’ anymore. I think my subconscious has virtually blocked all emotions in order to protect my conscious mind from telling me to skip off a bridge. I have skeletons in my closet that I simply cannot banish from existence, and the demons that emanate from them grow daily; […]
Once there was a girl, a happy girl, full of life and love. She would look on ahead at the future she would experience with joy and excitement. Nothing could touch her.
She went on, loving each day more than the last. Until a darkness touched her. She no longer looked in the mirror to see that smiling young girl looking back at her. Instead she saw death. These days continued, the death growing stronger in her eyes, consuming her will to live. It suffocated her, drowned her in a way that no one could see. She turned away from her friends, thinking all she […]
I can’t take anymore of this life. I can’t take the back and forth feeling of being happy to being depressed/suicidal. I don’t want to keep getting like I don’t belong anywhere and that I am a worthless waste of space. Please someone just kill me already because I am unable to do it myself.
I won’t bore you with a backstory. But it’s not good – abuse, death etc. etc. Back in November I fell in love with this girl. I’d been in long and serious relationships before but this was a very different feeling. After things went, for want of a better word, tits up I gave up on the idea. When I found out it wouldn’t work I got severely depressed. It also sparked OCD, insomnia and anxiety. I felt a little better one day and developed a relationship with someone else however my feelings for her faded and the feelings for the first girl came back […]
It takes 3 days for this to take effect. Heh, fooled them into thinking I actually ate today.
I’m done with what they’re saying. They never wished they had me? Well good, I never wanted them as pathetic emotionally abusive parents either.
So I’m doing both of us a huge favor.
Funny thing, both of them were attacking me today. They wanted to push me into action so I can finally take the exam? Even if I do pass (with my critically low ‘danger of failing’ score on the exit hesi) and get a job as a nurse, I don’t truly care about people, since why the hell […]
Burn It All
Went to a live concert last night. Pretty good show. The frontman really knows how to put on a show. Not bad at all. When I get to that point I’m going to blow people away. See, when I go to shows it’s selfish. I go only so that I can visualize myself on the same stage seeing myself doing the same things better. Seeing what things I like regarding lighting and acoustics and even the performance. I pick up […]
My whole world came crashing down today when I realised my whole world is not what it seemed and I am really in fact a stalker. It all started around two or three years ago, when I took a dance class with a dance teacher I never had before. I had not even walked into the room and I believe he was staring at me with awe in his eyes. I notice that he would pay special attention to me in class and when he told us to freestyle he looked uncomfortable but it as though he was getting turned on. This uncomfortable look was […]
drowning in your flesh
rotting in a cage
constant fear of mirrors
nausea when you look in one
dreaming about slicing off bad body parts and sewing on good ones
inability to look at a cis-person
feeling like a turd when your mom tells you to suck it up and quit begging for attention
envisioning yourself as a good-looking ideal-bodied person and feeling like the shit…but then the fantasy collapses and you’re back to square one with your awkward wrong body
It’s pretty unbearable. I can’t even get hormones for probably several years since my parents aren’t too supportive. I have an appointment with a gender therapist in two months, and that’s only […]
I’m the kind of person that get really get attach to someone who cares for me. Like if we start talking for a while and becomes a routine it’ll become like a part of me. So eventually, when you decide out of the blue that your going to leave and not say a word it’s going to hurt, of course not knowing what i did or didn’t do that made you run away from me of fucking course that it’s going to hurt. Because the other night it was all laughing smiles and love and now it’s ( i don’t even think i can name […]
I started smoking cigarettes a few months back and found myself becoming addicted to nicotine (as you’d expect). I find that giving in to the addiction helps, when you’re craving something and you get it you tend to feel better, even if just for a short time. The idea is based around something I saw in trainspotting, the main character says that when you’re on heroin all you worry about is scoring and when you’re off it you start to worry about a whole lot of other things. I know there is a great difference between a heroin addiction and a nicotine one but they […]
Slowly moving, despite the fact that I’m holding myself back. Forward’s my direction, if I can keep from falling backwards. Words don’t mean a thing, and I am often contemplating, upon what I want. It’s enough to make me go insane!
I thought the title to my post was fuckn funny. Made me lol. I am so fuckn bored. But hey, at least I’m not in […]
I hate my life. Since childhood ive been neglected, hurt, lied to, and abandoned. I dont see a purpose to go to school and go to work everyday if we just die at the end. Ive tried to kill myself a numerous amount of time and everytime i look back i cry and say to myself “I was so close, i wish it would’ve taken me.” I just want to fucking die. I dont want to live anymore. Im tired all the time and no one knows what to do.
I just want to die today I’ve been hit with the most painful
Feelings, I can’t keep this up, I can’t keep feeling life is not going to get better. I would prefer to be dead. I can’t eat barely sleep, I’m so distressed I did yoga before and all I could think about was please let me end this. I’ve got no stability , no security, an addiction, one that won’t leave its grasps. I know the reason why I want to die is because of the addiction. But I have tried hundred of times to give up, I’ve been to countless rehabs , […]
The guy I love has his life and a ton of friends. I can see how we’re not as close already. I have no one and he doesn’t understand. He honestly thinks he’s been rejected more than I have but I call bullshit because I’m rejected from every damn thing for my looks even for a place to stay! I’ve been told I don’t look human and shouldn’t be allowed outside. I literally am homeless because I’m too ugly for anyone to accept my money as payment for rent. I’m laying on the floor at work for fuck’s sake and it’s the first time I’ve […]
Its funny how ones mood can get better so fast for a moement. I went on a trip to a water park yesterday with my sister and a few friends. Found out from one of my friends that my recent ex tried to sabotage me publicly and his planned backfired on him badly…. Just because I spoke about the bullshit hes done to me behind my back on social media. I havent felt so good in a long time. XD
Now off to work for the next 6 days off the day after then traveling for 2 days after that.