Been home 2 years with back injury. Had a 2 level fusion and it has failed. Have to have another one. My business is gone. I’m financially drained. Nothing gives me joy. I love my wife and dogs and they are the only thing keeping me from doing it….but I am scared that’s not enough with the constant pain. When is enough enough? I know everyone will understand why. Lawyers, Dr’s, Work comp. Nightmare. I give up god, please take me before I do it myself.
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back
“..lying awake in bed feeling the spot on my chest
where you used to
where you used to rest your head…”
– Being as an Ocean
The Hardest Part is Forgetting Those You Swore You Would Never Forget
This song kills me every time. It was ours. It was one of our many. This was our band. right up there with Trophy Scars. Why did i give you so much of […]
I really don’t want to die but I feel like it’s the only thing I can do to escape everything that haunts me in my head and my life. I just can’t stand my thoughts and insecurities, therapy and medication are a bunch of horseshit I know this firsthand as I’ve been on countless medications etc. The only thing that breeds a positive change are life CHANGES and improvement. Nothing gets better if nothing ever changes. I don’t want to fucking hold myself back anymore, I want to be free. I feel like I’m imprisoned in my mind and it’s been too long like this, […]
I just want to talk about this one time I was is maths. I used to sit in the back left hand corner, out of the way. I now sit at the front dead centre where everyone can see me. I don’t really go to maths anymore.
Any way, back to the left hand corner. That day was colossally shit. The morning wasn’t great, it was just another one of those days where everything was subtly crashing down around me in the plain white room that is my maths classroom. For a while there was this guy in sixth form who came into our maths and […]
No matter how I try to ignore this feeling it keeps coming back…it feels like its a part of myself and it’s wrong for me not to feel the pain or trying to distract myself from the monster inside me…3 days ago I threw away all my razor blades thinking that if I don’t cling to the thing that makes me feel that way it will slowly fade away…I was never so wrong in my life….for 3 days I thought I was invincible then boom!! My ex whom I still love so much found someone else…she has been ignoring me for weeks..at first I thought […]
I had a bad dream the other night so horrible that I kept waking up, but I would fall back asleep. The pain from the dream has been lingering lately and truly saddens me. I sit here and tell myself and the rest of the world that I’m over the first guy I loved. It has been almost a year and the urge to have any contact with him has long been gone. I don’t love him anymore it feels like our whole relationship the past 10 years were all part of a dream. Him moving on helped me to move on and I needed […]
When I was a freshman in high school. I thought graduating would be some type of exciting, overly overwhelming, and a burst of happiness moment. Well looks like I was wrong again, It’s the week of my graduation, my depression is back again, I’m not stable whatsoever financially or emotionally, my relationship w/ my boyfriend is most likely going to crumble within 2 months or so, I’m just very unhappy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Now I’m here. Typing this bullshit. Fuck.
I don’t know what I’ve done to be exiled by all of my friends. I’ve been home a week. I haven’t been home in my house over 24 hours straight in a few years, I’m always out doing stuff with them. This is the third time this has happened in the last 10 fucking days I’ve been home. My best friend straight up ditches me day after day and then tries to blame it on me, making up stupid validations or excuses, and somehow I’m the one at fault. My other friend begs me to hang out with her because she’s bored, yet never calls me […]
Still Hanging In There – Even If There Does Not Seem To Be Any Light In Sight
written by Justanotherfaintstar
I was twelve-years-old when I had my first thought about ending my life. I do not think that there was a specific event that triggered it. I think it was just an accumulation of many different events and circumstances that left me feeling helpless and completely out-of-tune to the world and my life. I did not have many close friends in school, and my family always seemed to jostle me back and forth with their demands and expectations. People saw me, but it did not feel like people took the moment to look back and actually acknowledge me and get to know me. As I […]
Relized i dont have any friends and that no one cares about me. Religion always makes me question myself. I like a guy who will never like me back. Parents fighting constantly. Mother always dramatic. Dad always to childish. Cousin acts like hes all grown up. Everyone forgot my birthday even my parents until i told them. Might have cancer. Cutting myself. Tryed getting help but it didnt help in anyway . homophobic friend. Ughh… Why so many problems? Why isnt there a end?
-Brian
Here i am back in a psych unit… I saw my therapist on Tuesday and i was too honest with her. So now i get to spend a week in here! I really hope it’s only a week because I’ve got to finish off my last preparations before June 11th. wish me luck people
I’m 31 years old, no kids, been engaged twice which failed. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and the last girl I dated decided she rather go back to being a lesbian. So usually I just hide behind Apathy and drugs. I only have a high school education, because I lack effort to do anything more. I’ve always been more of a workhorse.
Anyway…
It’s pretty awesome starting off your week after Memorial Day by losing your car. Apparently the car place felt as if they couldn’t wait till this Friday to let me make a payment, and didn’t tell me they would wait.. so they towed […]
ever since primary school I had been cutting. I dud it because all my ‘friends’ were horrible. One day they were all friendly the next day they would be holding me down and throwing footballs at me. Bow I’m in secondary school. And it just got worse. I was alone again. Then people started commenting on my appearance. I began starving myself to make ne skinnier than I am. I gate being ugly I hate it. One day I decided I was gonna do it. I had enough. But then this boy stayed up all night trying to stop me. He was the kindest person […]
Always been the person to be there for everyone else. No matter what I went thru I pushed that aside to help the ones who couldn’t ever offer help me when I feel the same pain or in my opinion worse.. But what happens when I feel I need someone to be there? When I feel like I’m falling apart or becoming weak who other than myself can I talk too..clearly I know the answer to that, I just don’t want to believe it. So stressed out and wish that being my only friend and only comfort was enough. Sometimes it has been but that’s […]
This is your captain speaking. jk its actually “londi” a.k.a. the bestie of “Freeman”
umm i hacked into this website cuz i caught her looking at this nd i was like … dafuq ? then she tried to trick me with the password shit but i caught her ass. well i just wanted to let all of you ppl commenting that I’m thankful that you guys take the time to respond back to all of this stuff she posts. I hope you guys can understand what some ppl are going thru and Im glad that you are trying to help ppl get through this tough shit.
This is my first time posting on here, but I really feel alone right now. Even when I’m with my family I still feel lonely. All my friends left me when they found out I have depression. I’ve been suffering from it for 5 years now and about a month ago I tried to commit suicide. all I can think about is commiting suicide again except this time I will make sure I succeed. Ive been working on a plan since I got out of the hospital. I can’t keep going on like this I need my suffering to end. Ive been cutting for A […]
I’m happy till I sleep. Sleeping is my struggle.. Is my hell. Most of you struggle with suicide and cutting and I’m stuck with sleepless nights full of fear an torment. I’m happy. I’ve been sucked up by depression and spit out by suicide. Cutting didn’t give me the help I needed so I left. I’m not going back. I refuse to go back. My breathing shallows and I become more and more afraid of leaving this world before I complete one of my tasks. Anxiety hasn’t let go of my wrist and it hurts.. It hurts so bad. I can’t over power him.. I’m […]
Haven’t posted in a long time. Been busy making preparations for my next (hopefully last) attempt at ending it all. Lately have had time to only read a few posts and leave a comment or two.
I was thinking earlier how long it has been since the last time I can remember being myself. Not this broken down version I have become. The old me. The real me. The human me. Not the zombie I have been the last year.
Those of you that have followed my posts, know my story well. My ex-fiancée and her kids abandoned me and erased me from their lives. She went […]
I’m not really sure what my last post was cuz I am having to write these as they come to me on a word processor and then copy and paste them when I do have internet access. It has its ups and downs. I can’t get distracted by pop ups and the curiosity of social media and all of that meaningless mind wasting junk that it can be. I find that if I can get caught up in all of that it ends up becoming some sort of drama filled b.s. game and I’d rather sit back and and watch then participate in any […]
Depression is not Lana Del Rey songs with tears streaming down your face. Its not a blood stained tub with blades all over the floor. Its not a boy rocking you back and forth as he whispers “I love you” a million times in your ear. Depression is disgusting. A low feeling. Not something that is beautiful and poetic. It is a dirty feeling. It is you sitting in a tub with scolding hot water trying to burn the feeling away. It is the stale smell of the clothes in your room because you have no energy to clean it. It is laying awake at […]