Im just confused with the emotions i feel. Feeling a mix of sadness, guilt and anger. For once in my life i am utterly clueless as to which path i should take. I can’t stop thinking of her and the people around me aren’t helping. I hate it. When people i know pretend to have been so close to a person who died just so they feel better and can get sympathy from others. Well the truth is that you never really gave a damn about her life. I can’t go back to the place i was last with her. I tried it once and […]
Anxiety, you’re an asshole. You don’t give me comfort and I’d rather see you go but you don’t. You’re trying to find happiness clinging to me? We’ll you can’t have it, it’s mine now and I refuse to hand it over. Who are you? To alter my life like it’s your own. We’ll I’ve had it, I’m about to let go of everything you’ve ever known. Why? Cause I don’t need you anymore anxiety, you’re tragic. Everywhere you go, you go bringing havoc. I’m done anxiety, trying to see while you blind me in the night with your fears. I won’t shed no more tears […]
Maybe I should just give it one more shot. My last time I was successful, well a combo of drugs and the lq withdrawls, either way, it did work, so it’s my time.
The other day some dude was talking about jumping, he had rented a room. I am super afraid of heights, but I hate wasting money, so I would just HAVE TO JUMP. Vodka will give me courage, unless it makes me sick, or worse I just fall asleep. I have the money right now to get a room and alcohol. I pray, many times a day, I pray for others and that I’m […]
I found my way back to this site, over 3 years since my first and only post. It’s been so long I had forgotten I even made an account. And how disheartening it was to have the realization that in many ways, I am no better now than I was then. The stigma that is still around mental health leads people to believe that these conditions are just something one can “get over”. That surrounding yourself with loved ones, exercising, getting a pet, etc., will “cheer you up”. I stand as one of so very many examples that this is not the case. Though I […]
I’m so close. Once this morning, I don’t know how close but it was this weird split state of a happy dreamland – very nondistinct, I would describe it as fairies, la-la land but there weren’t an any actual images, just a state of being – and another part of me just instinctively knowing something is wrong and my body trying to untie the knot. My body won.
Once my body won and I came back to this reality, I immediately threw the rope (bathrobe belt) back into my packed up things and crawled into bed. My neck hurt a lot.
But the thing is… I don’t […]
Friday night I was really lonely and texted everyone I know who goes to my college to find someone to hang out with, or even just to come outside for a little bit to have a cigarette. It wasn’t that late, around 11, and not one of the 10 people I texted wanted to or could. Then one friend texts back and invites me to his friends. We just played pong and drank beers all night, and eventually my friend went home; his other friend was going to walk me home because it’s not a good area to walk around alone. It’s around 2am, his […]
What does it take?
I did everything like i was supposed to. I got myself alone, away from others and made sure help just couldn’t arrive in time. But I couldn’t do it.
I stuffed the barrel of the shotgun into the back of my throat bit down on the barrel and pushed the trigger.I tried and nothing. A three year old could make that gun go off, why not me!? Few days later I stood on dam in a city far from my own. It was way past midnight, no one was around. I stood there. and couldn’t do it.Couldn’t take one damned step into the […]
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just tired”
“No. I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah. It is a nice day.”
“I’m happy.”
These are a few of the lies
The ones we tell all the time
Thes are a few short lines
From a book we continue to write
We don’t want them to see
For fear that they too will leave
So we hope and pray that we fit
And all the while faking it
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I want
I don’t know […]
My uncle died back in February. He had a seizure that ultimately took his life. He sat on life support for almost 2weeks before they pulled the plug. When I saw him the first time, I knew there was no chance.
I stood in the hospital room and watched him fight for his life thinking this should be me. I wish I could switch spots. What he do to get what I had been asking for. He wanted to live. I didn’t. He had kids, a wife, and ppl who cared. I don’t. So why did he go instead of me? I know that probably […]
I’m getting off now. I read some posts and gave the best replies I could. I don’t know if I’ll get back on here. See you.
I hadn’t properly drank for over three months. It’s not like an achievement, the chance just hadn’t come up recently. I guess it has pros and cons. It’s good that I don’t go out on the lash every night, but then when I do drink I have to make up for the lost time. It’s a bad way of handling it, I mean I could just not drink at all.
But, the thing about drinking is it’s similar to that at feeling I long for to not feel anything at all. You can just lose it all, not have to care about stuff, it’s addicting.
It was just me […]
Last night I lost control over my feelings. Couldn’t stop crying. My family went out so I stayed home alone. I turned off all my bedroom lights and went and sat in my closest. Started crying; weeping. I was thinking about cutting again. I was saying to myself “You promised. Don’t break the promises you made.”
Although I promised, I turned on the closet light and looked for the blades (2). As I was holding them in my hands I kept thinking of my friends and the promises I made.
After a while holding them, it was hard but I put them back and got up. […]
I want to run away
Say you’ll come
I want to be okay
Let’s just run
We will never look back
We can leave our pain behind
Let the past stay in the past
I’ll be yours; you’ll be mine
I’m just going to leave. But I can’t help wanting someone to come with me.
I need some help with this issue that has been making my life miserable. I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to advise me on what I need to do. I spent a very introverted life. I was a virgin while marrying. I found sex in marriage boring actually ! I couldnt make it pleasurable for her either. Then we got into some ego conflicts and finally separated. I lost my job too. I am unable to find another partner nor am I too keen as the wounds from my failed marruage havent healed completely. Now here is the strange issue. I have been […]
I need some help with this issue that has been making my life miserable. I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to advise me on what I need to do. I spent a very introverted life. I was a virgin while marrying. I found sex in marriage boring actually ! I couldnt make it pleasurable for her either. Then we got into some ego conflicts and finally separated. I lost my job too. I am unable to find another partner nor am I too keen as the wounds from my failed marruage havent healed completely. Now here is the strange issue. I have been […]
So basically my dad told us the news on his birthday which sucked. This was before he left us.
Then my mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had a lot of treatments done.
What else.. My mum and dad officially got a divorce and my dad stayed at his parents’ house.
I started getting bullied, cyber and at school. I still do, it’s because I’m apparently ‘fat’.
I developed anxiety and depression. I moved out of my mum’s, but got kidnapped back by her, unwillingly. It didn’t last long. I then got a psycologist. I still have her. It sometimes helps, but hardly.
I then moved out of my […]
I try to be a really good person. I enjoy doing things for people, especially strangers, to make them feel good. I hugged a random girl crying on the phone the other day. I’ll compliment random people’s outfits, makeup, or hair when I get the chance and overcome my anxiety. I have a friend I met at college named Jess and she is the nicest, sweetest person I think I know. I wonder what made her that way. The fact she helped me out when I needed it most, barely knowing me at the time. She’s pretty much always there for me. She drove me […]
God is boring . boring God .
why human’s imagination & fantasy is better than God boring reality ?
why God is boring ?
I hate this world . I hate this life . I hate life .
This world is so boring , boring world !
This life is so boring , boring life ! life is boring .
Why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, […]
Just watching the sand trickle down the glass. Feels like time is short. I’m not afraid anymore. There’s not even any anticipation. Just a feeling of inevitable fact. Like punching in on a time clock, knowing you’ll be punching out on that same time clock shortly. Just a perpetual circle that is fated to be broken. Maybe I will be back, maybe I won’t. Either way, will it even matter. Going to try to ride out the next few days and attempt to ignore the eternal fishing pole that is calling my name. It’s getting harder and harder to drown out and I know I’ll […]
I wonder what my mom would like for mother’s day. Flowers? Perfume? A hug? Maybe from her daughters! That’s right she doesn’t count me as a daughter. She’d probably like it better if she could sign a certificate to disown me. I can sort of give her that.
My mother has two daughters (half siblings who are in their mid-twenties) whom she has always loved and adored. They got anything that they asked for and more. Me? The COMPLETE opposite. I barely got attention infact the only attention I ever got was negative. Neither of my parents have ever told me that they loved me. But […]