it’s funny how i’m just a natural listener and talker. so many people are just one or the other, but i need to listen to other people so they can get their feelings and problems out and also talk about my own problems and just about dumb shit that is important to me. i wish i could just pick a side, but i can’t. i listened as my roommate talked to me about her concerns about her academics and her friends back home which I thought was nice. i tried to be as responsive as possible so that it would seem more like a conversation, […]
I’ve tried to not give up and started living again, but I come back to my dark side. Fuck this, fuck all of this, it’s not gonna get better, no signs of improvement are showing. I’m destined to be alone and a failure, everybody ignores or leaves me and I’m gonna be a fuck up, I have no hopes, no dreams,they all died along time ago, why am I even pushing further, when I don’t have the will or effort to even do it. Enough is enough, I’m gonna kill myself.
morning folks, here we go again. the overwhelming urge to end it has passed, finally. and im back to sort of functioning again.still have all the problems though. no job, facing eviction, no food. why kill myself quickly and comfortably when all i have to do is wait and slowly die of malnutrition and hypothermia? oh well, guess meathod dont matter if the results are the same. i have learned some things this past week that i didnt know before. #1- this website- wow, wish i had found this long ago. reading the posts is like reading my story. #2-feelings- surprise, surprise. who knew. i […]
I am one of those hero-to-zero types, and I cannot bear the disappointment and shame I’ve put on my family. I wake up every morning wondering why I am not dead. If I wake up at kike 3 in the morning, I get hit by a tsunami of sadness, because I only have 2 hours before I face the world. Face the ones I have disappointed.
God, 1 year ago, I would have laughed at myself for being so emo. I can’t laugh now.
My father is so disappointed in me; it breaks my heart.
I don’t even know what I’m doing writing this here…I haven’t told anyone, […]
I’m comfortable with sadness. I wonder if my life will always be like this. I wear sadness like I wear a shirt, always with me. I want to be happy, but happy is unfamiliar. How is it that sadness has become my comfort, my home? If I reach out my hands, happiness is just in reach. But I cling to the darkness because it is familiar. I don’t think I deserve to be happy. Its like when I personally take 2 steps forward my home life knocks me back10 steps. So I’m back to the beginning again, back to feeling worthless and stupid and ugly.
I wish I could go back 11 years a go and be 5 years old again. I use just to play and not have any problems and in that time if I cries the reason will be my doll is broken or I was playing and I fall down even school we use to learn how to color and cut a picture and all our friends in 5 years old were the true because they were still young and they are not wild. we use to be scared of darkness and monsters but when we grew up when you there are many things that […]
Believing in Jesus ultimately helped me. Not too long ago I was very suicidal and broke down. I prayed to God and asked him to help me. The next morning the morning news aired a story about TMS to treat depression. Soon after that I attempted to partake in a medical study that offers TMS for depression. I was screened out of the study which disappointed me and I never got the treatment that I cannot afford. Before the treatment I had to get off 2 medications I was taking to treat my depression. It made my condition worse. When I was screened out I […]
Welcome to your life
There’s no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world
It’s my own design
It’s my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
There’s a room where the light won’t find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I’ll be right behind you
In a couple days I will turn 21 and when I do I’ll have fresh cuts on my body. I can’t help but look back on the long list of failures In my life. Yesterday at a fast food place strangers at the table next to me were laughing at me and I heard them say “he looks like the hunch back of Notre dam” and I cut myself a lot over that. On my birthday I have to see and know there are dozens of fresh cuts and old scars.
There isn’t enough time in the world to go into depth of how much I […]
I am getting closer and closer to the end now. I have already scouted the location. Its very high and easy to access. There are no fences or anything to prevent me from jumping, which is odd because i wouldn’t be the first one to commit suicide at that spot. At the bottom there is concrete. I will try to hit it head first. Should be the fastest way to go.
I have put my affairs into order as best i can. I have written a suicide note. I will probably do it this week. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow night. Seems almost inevitable now.
There are a […]
Every day it gets worse and worse, not quickly though… slow, like an hour glass that seems to never end but it does, just so slowly that it seems like it never changes.
Some days I don’t think of it too much, other days are a nightmare and other days at it’s worst i cut. When I’m alone its at it’s worst and yet when I’m alone is the only time I don’t feel alone… if that makes sense, its like when I’m around other people I feel more alone than ever because no one understands, no one wants to know or care and I don’t […]
I always wanted to kill myself ever since my dad got lung cancer and passed when I was 10. But the thoughts of suicide got worse when I started to get bullied in school at 11. Every year it got worse and worse. I started to cut myself and snap rubber bands on my wrist till they bled. I never felt good enough for anybody. I always felt out of place. I’m twenty now and working. But I began to get bullied there too for being skinny. Its not just the bullying that bothers me, its being single and lonely. I’ve been used […]
Lately I have been thinking, I am not the person I used to be. The fact that I can’t get it out of my head makes me so fucking sad. I think back at the person I used to be and now that things have changed… Many, many things have changed. It makes me so mad and depressed about it. It sucks too because I just want to not think about it. But they won’t leave. I can’t think of any way to stop thinking than to just “stop existing.” Because why else should I even be here, if I am just going to keep […]
I know in the back of my mind it won’t help but it’ll at least help me forget.
or give me the confidence to finally kill myself. I need to feel less guilty. Then I’ll finally do it.
I have never been one to share my personal thoughts or feelings. I try to go throughout life quietly, minding my own business and not involving anyone with my personal affairs. That being said, this was difficult to publish into cyber space, among all the folks who have nothing better to do but verbally attack other human beings from behind a screen. I know that. But here I am. I have never been a “glass half full” type of person. I’m more of a “the entire lake is dried up” kind of gal. Which is why I found it strange and even checked myself for […]
Every day is the same… wake up, put on the mask that hides how I feel, how I’ve always felt, and then get on with another shitty day until i get back into bed that night and can take it off.
I’m so used to being depressed now and from such a young age that if i suddenly and miraculously stopped I’m not quite sure it’d feel right. Nobody has ever known how i feel, never told any friends, nor family and definitely not a doctor. I’d never want anyone to know but the funny thing is at the same time i’ve always wished someone would […]
I’ve started visiting this site a bit too often.It means to me that my life is going from bad to worse. This is definitely not a good sign.I don’t know how my life happened to end up this way. The sole cause is me myself. I cannot appreciate a single thing around me. I cannot appreciate a little good whatsoever my parents do for me or the words of wisdom people pass down on me.I have one or two friends who actually care for me.I’m young so maybe I’m yet to see some good things coming on my way. But, no. I cannot see the […]
I don’t really know how to start… this is the first time I talk with someone other than myself or my dog about my thought. I don’t really have anyone around me I am comfortable talking with. I feel as a complete disappointment both to myself and to my family. I guess to give a little bit of background I’m 25, live somewhere in Canada. I cant even remember the first time I thought about dying… looking back things seem to have been going down hill since I was 16. I can’t really remember the happy times, I can’t remember having fun, just being empty. […]
to be honest… I wish I wasn’t sick anymore cause no one gets it. I wish I could have some one like the “sick” girls in my books the girls that are just like me they get rescued y cant I y cant I have some one like tate someone to love me like he loves violet… I have a boyfriend sure but its like he just doesn’t care he said it was “you and me together for always” but he doesn’t love me and I […]
well update is I am taken by an amazing girl .I know I said I miss Stacie and we did get back together but broke up on Tuesday. well now I got a new girl who I adore . she is amazing funny thing is tht my new girl is my best friend … weird right .. but she is amazn and so adorable she is really cute when she gets hyper . ive slipped up and cut a couple times but im fine now b/c of her.